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Relationships Forum Chatter & Grey Matter

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Jun 22, 2016.

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Apr 19, 2018 #1811

Amica IL Hall of Fame

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My vocabulary has increased so much recently! I should probably say thank you, but I'm chicken.

Amica, Apr 19, 2018

Amica, Apr 19, 2018

#1811

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Apr 19, 2018 #1812

Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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So, in a thread in Relationship forum, OP said 'huh what' to my response. Then, effectively said help if you can or buzz off. : ) Being past the age and station in life to insist on the freedom of speech, I buzzed off. But the question under discussion continued to buzz in the mind well after I buzzed off from there. Buzzing in the mind continued for much longer than Ragini will approve of. : ) : ) So, here is an attempt to un-buzz. Enough of prelude, ado.. on with the question.

If a man has to play peacemaker/mediator between wife and mother as a practice, and they end up patching up (till next time), how does it look to you? All izz well? They are being reasonable and life is going on fine? Or ...?

The picture it brings to my mind is a teacher or parent deciding upon a squabble between two kids. Each one presenting his/her side, and the teacher/parent moderates the discussion, helps the wrongdoer see the error and arranges for a sorry/hug/kiss patch-up.

Is my analogy ignorant? Is man playing mediator a big (necessary?) part of life when his wife and mother have frequent interaction?

Even if the argument was decided in my favor, I would feel very "small" if it needed another person to intervene. Best would be man leaves it to the two women to figure it out, and does not interfere or comment upon how the wife/mother are dealing with it.

Unrelated: how is playing mediator different from standing up for wife?

Rihana, Apr 19, 2018

Rihana, Apr 19, 2018

#1812
Apr 19, 2018 #1813

Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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@Rihana , I don’t think the husband would have to mediate if it’s a small tiff and can be handled by the two women in his life. It’s obvious things were getting out of hand with a 2 hr shouting match. In this case it makes complete sense for the husband to help them sort their issues and he did help.
I also wanted to respond to your reply about the FIL mediating issues between the DIl’s. That would be a complete no no IMO. It’s different asking the husband for help vs having the FIL intervene. Why wash dirty linen in front of the FIL ? Why give him the opportunity to know your weaknesses ? What is the guarantee he will be fair towards both DIL’s ? Why complicate the issue further ?

Sandycandy, Apr 19, 2018

Sandycandy, Apr 19, 2018

#1813

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Apr 19, 2018 #1814

Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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Rihana said: ↑

Buzzing in the mind continued for much longer than Ragini will approve of. : ) : ) So, here is an attempt to un-buzz.
Click to expand...

Memo

Ragini25, Apr 19, 2018

Ragini25, Apr 19, 2018

#1814

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Apr 20, 2018 #1815

Amica IL Hall of Fame

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Rihana said: ↑

So, in a thread in Relationship forum, OP said 'huh what' to my response. Then, effectively said help if you can or buzz off. : ) Being past the age and station in life to insist on the freedom of speech, I buzzed off. But the question under discussion continued to buzz in the mind well after I buzzed off from there. Buzzing in the mind continued for much longer than Ragini will approve of. : ) : ) So, here is an attempt to un-buzz. Enough of prelude, ado.. on with the question.

If a man has to play peacemaker/mediator between wife and mother as a practice, and they end up patching up (till next time), how does it look to you? All izz well? They are being reasonable and life is going on fine? Or ...?

The picture it brings to my mind is a teacher or parent deciding upon a squabble between two kids. Each one presenting his/her side, and the teacher/parent moderates the discussion, helps the wrongdoer see the error and arranges for a sorry/hug/kiss patch-up.

Is my analogy ignorant? Is man playing mediator a big (necessary?) part of life when his wife and mother have frequent interaction?

Even if the argument was decided in my favor, I would feel very "small" if it needed another person to intervene. Best would be man leaves it to the two women to figure it out, and does not interfere or comment upon how the wife/mother are dealing with it.

Unrelated: how is playing mediator different from standing up for wife?
Click to expand...

It depends on the situation.

If MIL says "Khane mein namak nahin hai. Ma ne pakana nahin sikhaya kya?" DH better jump in quickly with "Yummm dal is perfect."

In OP's situation, 4 young adults yelling at one old woman in a backyard paints an ugly picture and negates any moral high ground OP might otherwise have had. Not smart to expect DH to take sides here.

In general, adults should be able to fight their own fights, but validation and support is always nice.

Meanwhile, OP hasn't yet told me to buzz off. *neener neener*

Amica, Apr 20, 2018

Amica, Apr 20, 2018

#1815

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Apr 20, 2018 #1816

yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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Rihana said: ↑

So, in a thread in Relationship forum, OP said 'huh what' to my response. Then, effectively said help if you can or buzz off. :
Click to expand...

When sugar and every thing nice doesn't want any deeper questions asked lest some sugar appears a bit spiced....all one can suggest is .....say "abra ka dabra " and all will be fine.

yellowmango, Apr 20, 2018

yellowmango, Apr 20, 2018

#1816

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Apr 25, 2018 #1817
sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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nemesis said: ↑

time flies indeed. Vacation, no. Here to check whether our mighty Sokanasanah got married : P
Click to expand...

Il n'ya pas d'amour heureux!
(Translation - not mine! - attached. Credit.)
Or, in a more local idiom ...
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Last edited: Apr 25, 2018

sokanasanah, Apr 25, 2018

sokanasanah, Apr 25, 2018

#1817

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Apr 28, 2018 #1818

Amica IL Hall of Fame

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Rihana said: ↑

CIB, I was actually going to write about dealing with some of your turbulent past and preparing for post delivery time in your split placenta thread itself. But, thought maybe you are already prepping well (and nominating very relevant for you, useful posts by soka for FP) : ), so desisted.

Now that you ask... where do I start? Responses to threads like 'are you living life to the fullest?' form in the mind and remain unposted. But nvm. : )

In random order:

Don't postpone going to a professional. Simply go and talk. At the least, it will help you feel lighter for a few days and that will help you process your thoughts, feelings. The last 6 weeks before EDD you may want to avoid things like counselor appointment, so pick up the phone and make the appointment now.

After that, make a list of your achievements in the past 1-2 years and against what natural and man-made odds you did those. Really. Supporting dad, TTC under such physical and mental challenge, dealing with money issues, the appreciation at work, your determination to progress in career a little step at a time, dealing with TTC stress so well, and doing all the research, and by God, at the top of the list put down that you paid half or more of TTC costs. Put them down on paper, in code if needed, and stick that in a few places, like fridge, cubicle, mirror near sink, car.

Stop blaming yourself for anything including inability to handle people etc.

You cannot deal with the future without processing the past. If I may suggest, I would say focus on this first in couseling meetings rather than dealing with in-laws after delivery. What do you want to do about the hell you faced before/during/after last India trip. Whom do you want to hold the most responsible? Whom do you want to forgive (need not be a logical choice, you can just choose). Talk about all this with counselor. Don't worry too much about giving him/her the Indian context. Just talk. But keep in mind that talking can also cause distress. So, strike a balance. Baby's wellbeing and your peace of mind are most important.

Once you have some hold on the past, and some form of resolution, then, move to thinking about the future.

Future - you will be the mother of a baby gotten after so many struggles. That is a big big big personal achievement. It might remain the biggest one of your life. Always remember that. Remind yourself of just what you conquered. How many times you negotiated with God. How you promised God and yourself you won't ever complain about x,y,z if only you can get pregnant.

So, look at that list of achievements often and remember you are tough inside.

In-laws: how much of a pain they can be is in your mind to an extent. Their biggest grievance is now moot. You paid half the cost of TTC. Your husband is not going through half the 9 months and labor, delivery. You are the human being bringing a grand-child into their family which will carry their last name. Stand tall in your mind even when sitting in front of them or in the throes of labor.

Most basic step to keep in mind -- less talk avoids many tensions. Less talk is different from silent treatment. Read soka's post that you nominated for FP and couple that he posted today. At any time if you can't think of how to react or how to deal with emotions, try to think what would soka suggest, and if you draw a blank, simply visualize the he puts at the end of most posts.

Umm.. not to goad you into reacting strongly just because.. but such a big thing should not be a "pleasant surprise." It should be an eye-opener that all the past taunts and the struggle you went through to buy a plane ticket should be viewed against this contribution of yours. You have to decide based on your personality and finer nuances of the relationship between you and husband, but some reminder of the past and a comparison with the present is called for, IMO. Your pregnancy and you both becoming parents does not wipe out the past. don't brood endlessly on it but don't simply sweep it under the carpet either.

CIB, you do not "at least" get to say you contributed your part. You get to say that even with so less work experience, and starting off with humbler job, you managed to do what you did. All the research you did, keeping in mind that money was not endless, while working ..... you have to learn how to say this calmly and without seeming to brag. You should now and then mention all your achievements, including those at work.

Drama in the house will be there. Relationship forum is full of how to deal with it. Pick a few and follow. Also, no matter how annoying they are, having another pair of hands can be helpful in the initial 1-2 months.

In addition to talking less, set the tone for their stay from the day they arrive. Right when the car comes home from the airport. Right from the week before they come when details get discussed more on phone. Talk less, react less, practice a few enigmatic smiles. Practice how to state what you want, with minimal accompanying reason, and how to repeat it again with minimal accompanying reason. And then how to shrug it off if what you want doesn't happen.

Think ahead about delivery room -- who all will be there. Don't discuss with husband since he is a mama's boy. Tell your doctor in advance that you want only husband in delivery room. He/she can make a note in the records. And you can tell the nurses on the big day.

Baby is a big change. Use it to start doing things that you earlier considered not an option. Just do it. Reduce the things you seek approval for.

CIB, your story, struggles and achievements strike a personal chord with me. I've written the above as it came to mind. Take what helps and leave the rest.

You inspire me.

Most of all, 6 months can seem like an eternity, but with baby around, it flies. Promise. If you ever want to, send me a PM.
Click to expand...

@Rihana, I'm a fan of your posts. Most of the time, I merely click "like" when I really mean "+1000." This time, I feel compelled to say: You blow me away. Your empathy and ability to connect with people is remarkable. As is your willingness to be honest and to give the occasional OP some much-needed tough love.

I'm glad I "met" you. And I'm grateful for the lessons learned.

Sorry not sorry if this embarrasses you.

Amica, Apr 28, 2018

Amica, Apr 28, 2018

#1818

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Apr 28, 2018 #1819

Naari Platinum IL'ite

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Amica said: ↑

Most of the time, I merely click "like" when I really mean "+1000."
Click to expand...

Amica if your single like means +1000, then you made some millionaires here!!

Naari, Apr 28, 2018

Naari, Apr 28, 2018

#1819

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Apr 28, 2018 #1820

Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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Agree Amica ! Some pearls of wisdom from @Rihana !

Amica said: ↑

@Rihana, I'm a fan of your posts. Most of the time, I merely click "like" when I really mean "+1000." This time, I feel compelled to say: You blow me away. Your empathy and ability to connect with people is remarkable. As is your willingness to be honest and to give the occasional OP some much-needed tough love.

I'm glad I "met" you. And I'm grateful for the lessons learned.

Sorry not sorry if this embarrasses you.
Click to expand...

Sandycandy, Apr 28, 2018

Sandycandy, Apr 28, 2018

#1820

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