Worst Married Life.

Attitude of "he/ she will change after marriage" is a cover up that our heart makes to justify that decision, because our mind realizes that it's a wrong decision. Most of the time it's only 'no change'.

Since he has no willingness to change, this will continue for life. You can only choose about how to react to it.
Live with it - become numb / accept it n deal with it all your life.
Separate - live in a separate house, different city, country.
Divorce - legal way
- each options are difficult ones. None easier than the other.

Until unless your husband changes his habits of ex, smoke, drinks, money, attitude, behaviour, lack of responsibility, commitment towards his wife n kid, etc, nothing will change.

Your husband needs to get a higher paying job or you have to disown him financially for the financial situations to get better. Also safeguard money for your future n child n stop paying for his loans - as long as he knows that you are there to bail him out financially, he wont stop as he will never have to face the real consequences.

His family will continue the "we don't know" forever because they are enjoying the perks. They know everything but why would they accept, that will mean they won't get anything. So they won't help.

Btw, all these problems existed even before the child happened, but you still persistently had a child, n with medical help though he was not able to, due to his stress from the same problems. So you knew what you were getting your child into. Guess you again thought, he will change after the baby.

Would suggest you to get into meditation, yoga, walking or any form of exercise and listening to music or anything to calm your mind. You can do all of these things with the baby too if can't be left alone. Basically this calms your mind n works your body. First step towards finding your inner balance. Learn to control your anger for the sake of your child n your own sanity.

Then decide what you want to do with your marriage n give him in an ultimatum, if that doesn't work then there maybe very little hope that he might change, ever.

 

Go for legal action.As it is ,he is broke and won't be able to find enough means to put up a big enough legal fight against you.He is just a parasite living off you. You have a job and a kid.His family has never been of any help to you. Prepare yourself mentally and file for divorce. And don't accept his apologies when he comes running to you because he will soon realize that he has nothing without you.If you give in once,you will never be able to get away from this vicious cycle. Separate your accounts,Keep whatever jewellery you have in locker ,and find a separate accommodation for yourself and your child and then go to court.

 

I also feel divorce is the only solution

 

the day we stop believing ‘i can change him/her after marriage’ lot of issues are solved.

you had so many red flags waving so high and bright and you blindly believed you could change a person..

marriage works when you stop trying to change someone. suceess of a marriage is when your partner corrects a trait willingly for the otherhalf’s sake. you cab adapt compromise in a marriage but completely changing your basic character is not possible.

it is going to be your decision. what do you want from this marriage apart from the near impossible change in your husband

 

Hi,
I suggest you to take decisions when your mind is calm, without any stress.
Until and unless you stop supporting him, he will never change. First of all you should pamper yourself, be confident. Keep your important stuff safely. Keep your self busy with kid. Make sure you and your kid should not be affected with the situation.

 

There is great option “divorce”. Life is too short to deal with this kindness of husbands. Divorce and be free.That’s just my opinion.

 

OP,
It is a sad situation to be in. You are suffering now. Please calm down. Accept the reality that he is using you for his benefits. He is of no use to you now. It is easy to say ' go for divorce or separation' . In your case there is EMA, financial abuse, bad rabbits etc.. genuine reasons for separation.

But you are the one who has to decide what you want. But any decision should be taken with a calm mind and after rethinking about plus and minus many times. Focus fully on you. Try to relax like other Ilites suggested above. For any problem, we need to accept it, then think about what can be done and then only we can move forward with confidence and courage.

Please dont punish your kid like this. Whenever you get angry to your kid, tell yourself that it is not good, 'I need to change it' Get out of the situation and go away from the scene. . He/she is the only positive aspect in your marred life now. Cherish it. If your husbands presence is making you angry, take a deep breath, go another room and relax there with your kid. Completely avoid him. If you can start spending more time out side of your home with kid, do whatever that makes you happy, relaxed and peaceful.

"I behave like a psycho whenever there is a financial problems, drinking/smoking habits and his contact with his ex."

If so let his ex pay the loans, not you. Do you have any evidence that he is still having romantic relation with his ex.? If so collect evidence. [May be you can think about informing it anonymously to her husband without revealing any details of your dh. But that should be done very carefully]

If I were in your position, I will not pay any of his loans again. Learn to say NO. So far you have given him the impression that you are ok with what he do. That is why he is taking you for granted. He thinks and believes that you will tolerate anything and be with him forever . You have to shake that belief to the core. So you need actions now to give him a strong warning that you don't care and you are serious about leaving him as you believe you don't need him.

Now, think about going back to work, make arrangements to take care of your kid. Start saving for yourself and kid. Completely change your password for accounts so that he don't have any access there or open a new account. You have to show him that there is an effect to his actions. Ignore him completely. Fighting or arguing is of no use. It will increase your stress. Go on a silent mode, but talk only if needed. Please dont fight or argue infornt of your kid. Try to be emotionally independent. Detach from him. Be financially independent. Think about making alternative arrangements to start a new life with your kid and you. Gain mental strength to face anything. You need to be healthy too. So take care of your health and beauty well. Start loving yourself more than anyone else.

Once you decide and gain confidence, then confront him with an ultimatum. Till then simply use him. If nothing works then decide whether it is good to stay with him or think about a new life with you and your kid. I am sure when you are ready, the decision will come naturally to you. Only you can change your life. No one else. Life is too short. Be strong and positive.

 

WOMEN, YOU ARE NOT REHABILITATION CENTERS FOR BADLY RAISED MEN. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX HIM, CHANGE HIM, PARENT HIM OR RAISE HIM. YOU WANT A PARTNER, NOT A PROJECT

 

I feel very sad after reading ...c this family knows everything and making use of u..this family and this man is keeping you only for ur money ..if u stop giving money they will send u out...MONEY MONEY MONEY.

In this case you can’t change ur husband because he has to realize ...

I would suggest just come out of this house live in a sepearate house ..live for u and your son..I know it’s hard but don’t struggle being there and lose your child also.

There is a limit for adjusting ..come out and live happy..