Husband Nature

Goahead · Apr 3, 2018

injave been married for 13 years and tired of my husband aloof nature .. he cares for only fill mil his sister sister kid and her Husband .. for him everyone else is an outsider including my side of the family .. he acts so aloof in front of my family ..

With his sister , he would take days off from work and plan to meet her ... with my sister never plan any vacation and always says I want to go alone as family just us and kids ... only once we visited my sister and he took only a day off and he was so quiet all the time he was there ... he has to sleep on time like 10 pm at my sisters place but at his sister he will be up until 2 pm talking ... he showers cash on his sister all the time besides the regular gifts that we would take and for my sister - she gives so much and he says that happens when one sibling has kids and other dnt .. since we have kids she will give more anyways ??? Really what about your sister when she didn’t had kids and we did ... you always made sure that you give more to your sister no matter what ... even after taking so many gifts for His sister, towarsss the end he would say let’s gjve her $500 cash or $300 cash ... I used to beat my head as to why ?????
With my siblings he will never plan to go out but with his sister he will get up in the morning and rush to get ready and be out of the house to go out sightseeing ..

If he was nice to my family , tried to make relationship with my side of the family I would have understood .. but he wants to do everything just on his side of the family and acts Khadoos when it comes to mine ...

I dnt give money to my sister or brother but wants to be able to take vacations with them ... have a relationship and he does not allow me to or Crete this sad face all the time that makes me regret doing anything .. my brother is local and I have to think if this is the right weekend to call him to see us ..all depends on my husbands mood ... even when he is in good mood , it’s not that he will talk to him or spend time with him but at least he won’t be super rude giving signals that he doesn’t like his visit ..
What do I do with a husband like this ???
Another thing : I feel I’m not too string matured to just ignore my husband and do what I want to do .. I know some girls would have not cared for what he thinks and how he behaves and would have gone ahead to plan vacations and meet siblings etc ... but somehow I’m not able to do so with his grumpy face all the time ..

Only time I see him happy and talkative and being super nice to family is when he is with His sister or someone from his side of the family ... rest of the time he is quiet and not at all participative in any discussion or anything ... I just hate him for this behavior ...
If I tell him this he fights a lot saying he is nice to all ... of course he will say hi hello to my side of the family and that is being nice accordingly to him ... I can’t explain any of these things to him as he fights with me so much .. sometimes even for days and days he will make me miserable

yellowmango · Apr 3, 2018

Op....have you thought of going for counselling for yourself?
You thoughts and mind are full of your sil and inlaws that you are not appreciating the life you have.

Accept that your husband loves his family and wants to be part of their life. Period.He lets you stay out . Count your blessings .

Don't monitor his calls to his family ,don't count how many times he calls. He is your husband but he is a free man . He doesn't expect you to keep calling them and making sweet talk regularly . Count your blessings . He is letting you be you,so you let him be.

As long as he is taking care of your family and taking care of your family's future security ,don't interfere too much with his gifting . Invest wisely for your family . If you are not happy with what he gives,then you just have to be a part of the gifting. Help him buy the gift even if you don't give it. Men usually don't keep the budget in mind while buying gifts specially if it is not very often .

As for gifting your family,if he is not stopping you ,just buy whenever you find good stuff of their liking and keep.

Call your brother over but don't expect your husband to sit and entertain him. That is your job . Make his favourite food and enjoy his company.let your husband do his thing.If you don't force him to interact against his wish,he will not mind his coming more often .

You do the same when his people come .

Your husband is a fine man . Try to look at his good points. No one is perfect . You are also not perfect .
Your husband does not hate your brother like you hate his sister. Obviously your brother does not irritate him like your sil but it still counts .
He takes care of you and kids.

You have a good life. Please appreciate it .
Appreciate him and make him a part of your home team instead of always seeing him as the opposition .
Remember ,he is your life partner . Spends most of his time with you and kids. Spends most of his money on you and kids . He is fairly good to live with .why do you want to send him to the other team with your nagging about his family ?

If you are finding it difficult to get sil and inlaws out of your mind,try some counselling . That may help .
Don't waste a good life .Enjoy it.

nakshatra1 · Apr 11, 2018

I can feel your pain trust me- read some of your other recent posts.
I think it is a bad luck to be married into such a family, but many ladies face similar situation.All this is part of life. You can't change your husband - that is his upbringing. So better to accept something you can't change.You have been suffering many years. Better let it go. At-least you have the basics- house and all basics. So don't take much tension.

Try to find other things to focus on- like hobbies, etc Build your own life to take your mind off this unfairness and exploitation.There is much more to life. Inlaws are just one aspect of life, we shouldn't drown our life away thinking about them.Your husband's character seems good. I'm sure he has other positives too. Try to focus on good things and have a life of your own- hobbies etc

World is not fair. Parents shouldn't exploit their sons as ATMs,They should not exploit son for sake of daughter- rather parents should treat both children equally. A husband should plan the future responsibly without jeopardising his immediate family's future. A husband should not make wife feel that she is even lower priority than his sister/sisters' kid/ husband. Yes, it's true these are correct and ideal things. But they don't always happen.

Better to accept the reality, and accept the things you cannot change. You cant control how your husband is going to be, and you cant really change him if he was not raised that way. It's been many years now so I feel its time to let it go, and focus on the positives of life. You have tried everything and it didn't work. So, let him do what he is doing- you focus on building your own life and strength. I'm not finding anything negative in you - I totally understand and agree with the unfairness of the situation - I'm just suggesting you to not waste your life with these thoughts.

Rosey2018 · Apr 20, 2018

Goahead said: ↑

injave been married for 13 years and tired of my husband aloof nature .. he cares for only fill mil his sister sister kid and her Husband .. for him everyone else is an outsider including my side of the family .. he acts so aloof in front of my family ..

With his sister , he would take days off from work and plan to meet her ... with my sister never plan any vacation and always says I want to go alone as family just us and kids ... only once we visited my sister and he took only a day off and he was so quiet all the time he was there ... he has to sleep on time like 10 pm at my sisters place but at his sister he will be up until 2 pm talking ... he showers cash on his sister all the time besides the regular gifts that we would take and for my sister - she gives so much and he says that happens when one sibling has kids and other dnt .. since we have kids she will give more anyways ??? Really what about your sister when she didn’t had kids and we did ... you always made sure that you give more to your sister no matter what ... even after taking so many gifts for His sister, towarsss the end he would say let’s gjve her $500 cash or $300 cash ... I used to beat my head as to why ?????
With my siblings he will never plan to go out but with his sister he will get up in the morning and rush to get ready and be out of the house to go out sightseeing ..

If he was nice to my family , tried to make relationship with my side of the family I would have understood .. but he wants to do everything just on his side of the family and acts Khadoos when it comes to mine ...

I dnt give money to my sister or brother but wants to be able to take vacations with them ... have a relationship and he does not allow me to or Crete this sad face all the time that makes me regret doing anything .. my brother is local and I have to think if this is the right weekend to call him to see us ..all depends on my husbands mood ... even when he is in good mood , it’s not that he will talk to him or spend time with him but at least he won’t be super rude giving signals that he doesn’t like his visit ..
What do I do with a husband like this ???
Another thing : I feel I’m not too string matured to just ignore my husband and do what I want to do .. I know some girls would have not cared for what he thinks and how he behaves and would have gone ahead to plan vacations and meet siblings etc ... but somehow I’m not able to do so with his grumpy face all the time ..

Only time I see him happy and talkative and being super nice to family is when he is with His sister or someone from his side of the family ... rest of the time he is quiet and not at all participative in any discussion or anything ... I just hate him for this behavior ...
If I tell him this he fights a lot saying he is nice to all ... of course he will say hi hello to my side of the family and that is being nice accordingly to him ... I can’t explain any of these things to him as he fights with me so much .. sometimes even for days and days he will make me miserable
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For your own sanity stop caring anymore you can’t change him. Instead be happy with your own life and make yourself happy. Do things with your own family and go out etc. Ignore him and his family. You can’t get him to hang out with your family and be as happy as he is with his own. But you can increase your own happiness by being with people you love.