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Mil-dil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by periamma, Apr 11, 2018.

  1. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    @nakshatra1 Now the trend has changed ma.In many families the parents of the girls are staying with them to take care of the kids.Girls feel comfortable with their mother in house hold work and by God's grace there is no anti response from boys side.Regarding dowry /gold /gifts ball is in the girl's court .Her parents must say strictly this is what we can afford as we have spent a lot on giving education .If the other side feel fine you can proceed or go on to get a better choice which is apt for you.In our place before finalising the alliance we write on a paper whatever going to be gifted and both the parents must sign in front of the relatives.
     
  2. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    @joylokhi Thanks for your response with practical thinking.
     
  3. ashwinid01

    ashwinid01 Gold IL'ite

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    Exactly my thoughts periamma.
    MILs also are human beings, they also have expectations, they also have emotions. What is wrong for us may not be wrong for them and vise versa. Some situations are like their thoughts and emotions are not wrong neither is the DIL wrong.

    Seeing so many posts especially about MIL nagging to r2i, i wonder do parents (girls parents) never urge their daughter to think about settling back to India? How would the daughters react then?In that case is the Mom of the girl mean? My parents and inlaws both want us to come back to India sooner or later. They have been very open about it. But i assume it is only their love and loneliness that wants us back.


     
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  4. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    True
     
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  5. Zxcv

    Zxcv Silver IL'ite

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    You couldn’t have said it better! How can I be comfortable with a “woman” who always thinks her son is superior and as a woman I will always be inferior is what the sad state is. Equal financial contribution, managing the house nothing matters..but just being a boys mother is what it’s all about and conveniently blaming the culture!
    Thst being said I am not generalizing all the MILs here..I am sure there are pretty amazing ones and I fact I know a few ones too..
     
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  6. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    "There are some parents who feel unsecure at their old age due to health or financial status.It is the duty of the son to pacify them and give peace of mind.Here no role is for dil and she can be cool for ever."

    Completely agree with this. Patriarchy screwed everything up, else everyone will be peaceful with their lives. Daughters/Sons should give emotional and financial support to parents in my opinion. Main problem arises when the mil and dil stand in kitchen for hours together gossip or involve in power play. In my home when my husband's parents were here, my husband accompanied my mil and fil in kitchen, watching movies and outings. I was doing things that interests me (studying, recording songs in smule etc). I didn't have to change myself a bit to please my parent in laws (just like Indian son-in-laws). So when my parent in laws left, I cried a lot feeling the vacuum in our home. It took so many weeks for me to recover from the missing feeling. Key to my good relationship with my mil is we never gossip about others or backbite about each other. Whenever we speak, we speak only positive things. To achieve this, all of us had put lot of efforts to understand each other and draw boundaries.

    In my opinion, people should forgive and move on. MILs should forgive DILs and sons. DILs and son in laws should forgive parent in laws.

     
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  7. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    Such a positive post. Please be positive like this always. Have fun in life :)
     
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  8. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    @anuyogam1988 - I couldn't believe what you just told us about when your ILs visited.So ,maturity and understanding does exist. Kudos to your ILs and husband too for giving you your space and understanding that you are an independent person. This is quite a rarity.
     
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  9. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    OP- I agree with your sentiments.I also think that intellectual maturity and knowledge is very important in a person,be it MIL or DIL . It is not the same as being educated. I have seen educated In Laws being petty and childish and then commanding respect since they are older. I have seen highly qualified DILs or son in laws plotting revenge in light of being egoistic. It is a very skewed relationship.Few in laws treat DILs as their daughters and vice versa.
    My own In laws like to brag that their DIL is well educated etc but when I am at their place,I am expected to stay in kitchen even though I am not the one cooking.I am expected to look my best adorned with all the jewels.Many a times,I was asked to change my attire because it was not to their liking.My reading books (which I love the most) is thought to be a sheer waste of time and looked down upon. I cannot peek into my phone because its disrespectful.If I rest or nap in the afternoon ,I am physically weak.This is not how my parents brought me up.We had chores growing up but we were given freedom to explore and do what we liked.They are educated folks and of course,want the best for their son and his family particularly the grand child.But all these actions of their's have hurt me and stop me from warming up to them.Its not that In laws are malicious always but sometimes all is lacking is empathy for the DIL. This is just my perspective from a DIL point of view.
     
  10. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Im sorry I dont agree. You make it sound like life is black and white when it is not and you are generalising about behaviour. Everyone has different experiences. Some people are damaged in different ways than others. Just like people say clapping involves 2 hands so does a relationship and respect.

    Mother in Laws need to be respected and loved as theyre elder to us and many other things. However, so do daughter in laws. You're bringing someone elses daughter into your home. She's not your slave. She's another human being.

    Some women have old MILS some have young ones. Some old Mils need looking after and some young MILS dont want to be looked after. The worlds changing. Respect and Love should still be there. If you make a mistake say sorry and move on whether youre the MIL or the DIL. It's a two way street.
     
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