Am I An Outsider?

Hi
I am least bothered when my mil treats me like a outsider.afterall mil can't be mother.

I will feel very bad if my husband hide any news like this.marriage s based on trust,love and respect .if my husband doesn't trust and didn't share I ll feel like left alone.i ll expect him to share though it might cause some pressure .both (husband and wife) should face such issues since both will be suffering.(husband do have family and social pressure,do both should support each other)
Don't worry,things will change for better

 

First of all, hugs!!!
I know it hurts. It can confuse you. But hang in there.
I respect your attitude to wish and welcome this newborn despite of your own struggle. You will be paid in double very soon for all the struggles you are facing right now.

There are often two sides of the same story. At least this is how it happened in my circle.

Both my co-sister's are TTC and yet to be blessed with a kid.
Whenever someone comes with a good news about pregnancy or childbirth, they feel hurt and pressurized naturally.
Therefore, everyone in our family avoid speaking about these blessings before our co-sisters unless it is necessary. Otherwise, we limit such talks in front of them.

But it also hurts them. Whenever they hear about such news through other persons, they feel bad for not being included in such discussions. They feel inferior and be in self pity mode. They feel like excluded for their inability to carry a child. This even hurt them and pressurize them.

It is really tricky situation, which needs loads of understanding.

 

First of all it is not fair on everyone's part to have kept it from you. This is not some random news, it is really big news. You have to wonder if they would accept it if you did the same thing.

Similar thing happened to me with my younger cosis got pregnant after 10 years. Back then cosis and I were not on talking terms but BIL called DHZ and informed him after 4 months. Then the next week my MIL called and informed my parents, other relatives and then me. Turns out MIL had known since 2 months but she chose not to tell me though I was speaking to her every week.
But when I had a miscarriage some years ago, she took the liberty to inform random relatives who I was not even close to.

I made it very clear that I was extremely upset by this and stopped talking to them for one to two months. Then she kind of got the hint and asked DH what was wrong. He told her the reason and then she called me. I asked the same question you have posed-that if I was an outsider. Told her clearly that as the elder Dil I deserved better than this and it was not right that they inform me when they inform the extended family. Told her I will always respect them and do what is expected of me but what they did was plain wrong.
Also reminded her that when I got pregnant I informed everyone including cosis mom but no one had bothered to let me know.

She apologized and said that she should have informed me much earlier.

Sometimes you need to speak your mind and make people realize how you feel.

 

If it makes you feel any better, my hubby and I were informed after his elder brother (A divorcee) remarried. We did not even know when they chose the girl, decided everything and got him married. We are never a part of any of their decisions or events but when it comes to giving them gifts or doing things for them, we are family!

 

This is just one of the incidents. There are many more. No I have not found peace. It's hard when they treat us like whatever they want but hubby forgives them completely and behaves like they are the most important people in the world when it comes to them. We have been married 13 years but still my respect is less valuable for him than their feelings. Wonder if Indian men will ever change.