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How To Get Over Hatred Towards Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Starkgirl, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    I did everything you mentioned here, initially I used to let it go but her outburst became more frequent because I don’t say anything and then I started to walk away from her, she complained to DH that I am not ready to listen to what she wants to say.
    I tried to get out of house to be away from her, she complained to DH that I don’t take her along but leave her alone.
    Her words used to be “may be you both don’t want me here”
    And DH used to feel bad and told me, if I don’t like something about his mom, I can say that but I should not make her feel unwelcome,
     
  2. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Have you tried therapy to help you? Either counseling or medications?

    It is natural for DILs to get fears when they have to move with the inlaws permanently. But to spoil your health thinking day in and out about this will also be detrimental to your relationship with your husband.
    Remember 1 thing, your MIL is going to get old, she will not live as long as you, and if she goes out of limits your husband will support you. And even there try to keep yourself engaged with some activity of your own,or go for jobs. Try to minimise the time with MIL to avoid these issues.But it is better you get some therapy because you have being having anxiety issues for other reasons since your childhood.
     
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  3. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    Yes I know, this is not healthy and this was my last attempt to overcome it by writing it in words but if it does not help I will look for a professional help. Thank you .
     
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  4. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    I do pranayama every morning, I do exercise everyday because it helps me to get rid of my stress harmones. I started volunteer work since I can’t work here, I started studying and throughly I am enjoying it. I have good set of friends here with whom I go out and have fun. Finally ter is DH with whom I can talk about al my fears and who don’t judge me. He gives me honest opinion on how to handle such situation. All this helping me to a great extent but I am not able to stop thes thoughts all together, you know... so trying to figure out what works to calm my mind.
    I am not going to give in to these thoughts so easily, if i wanted to I never would have done what I mentioned above, I want to help myself but currently don’t know how.
    My sole motive to write here to get it out of my chest and to make myself understand what I am doing with myself is wrong ....
    Your replies helped me thank you
     
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  5. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Op I stress again seek the medical help. It seems that anxiety is deeply rooted in your brain. You really need professional help. When we keep ourselves busy to escape from something our mind knows that and as soon as finish being busy mind goes back to the habitual state. It's quite a work to break this pattern. I have been through depression it wasn't major but still it was quite too much for me. Imo Therapy and medication is the most preferred route to get rid of chronic anxiety so please do seek medical help.
     
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  6. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Good that you wrote here, because you get a 3rd person's perspective. We all feel a professional therapy should help since you have been dealing with anxiety issues since childhood.
     
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  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    From a behavioral therapy stand point, this is called “extinction burst”.
    When a child ask for a for candy, mom says no. It’s dinner time.
    Child whines. Mom serves dinner.
    Child throws a tantrum. Mom does her dishes and reminds child one in a while that dinner is on the table.
    Child goes running to Dad and cries to him about the same candy. Dad ignores and goes back to whatever he was doing. Child tries older sibling. She doesn’t care. Child is defeated, pouts, eats dinner and meekly puts the plate in the dishwasher. He then asks for candy “nicely” after finishing his food.

    When you don’t pay attention to people’s negativity they will act out more and more for your reaction. This is normal. You should continue ignoring and going away and going out. That’s the right thing to do. After a while, when she doesn’t get the desired reaction from you are your DH, she knows she is defeated. You don’t change what you do.

    She is welcome but her bad behavior isn’t. What is unwelcome in your house is the behavior. You are walking away from her behavior - tell DH that.


    I’ve have a very wise friend here who says that positivity builds positivity(@Gauri03). Make sure you take note off all the positives around you. In time you will feel positive. I seldom post in the daily positivity thread but I follow this advice of hers daily. I always look at all the positives. I train myself to think of a good thing when the going gets tough.
    That DH of yours is good. MIL is not here. He is always with you and he’s a good guy. Focus on that. Keep telling him how much you appreciate him.
     
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  8. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    I had this sort of anxiety when I was working for a very harsh dominating boss. I quit, and I can't tell you how relaxed I felt after that. You seem to be hypersensitive and not so thick skinned. Till you develop tools to handle these sort of people , best to keep away from them. Make your wellbeing your no one priority , firmly say no to her visits , and If you ever come back to India realize that you have all the power to say no to living together. Your husband has to realize how deeply this is affecting you.. if it was your mom treating him like crap, would he have preached tolerance then?
     
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  9. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    I wish, lot of matter which I mentioned in my post is finished but no , she keeps bringing it back and has to show her displeasure.
    I know you might say , I should ignore her.... I did believe me but sometime when her words hurt too much, I find it hard.
    Like when I told her I don’t know sewing, after few months she asked “what did your mother teach you? Or is she like you” she said it in a sarcastic way.
    From the moment I told her I need my afternoon nap , she has to prove to my DH that, she said all it in good spirit but his wife don’t like advise given by her MIL. She has to show this every evening either by her words, by her anger or her sarcastic taunts.
    There are so many situation which created so much stress in our lives which lead to my anxiety.
    I think I have replied in my another post why I do what I do but still there is no point of thinking of those things day and night and spoil my present.
    As my husband says l , “let’s cross the bridge when we reach it”
    Thank you for your response.
     
  10. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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