Relation With Dh And In-laws

Please understand...
If your DH is badly affected by his parents' partiality and if that hurts his feelings to the extend that he gets frustrated for years, then the issue is rather very serious.
You can very well put your foot down, and make sure no one - not even his folks enter into your life (including that of your DH) to further damage your family's sanity.
Since you are a loving spouse, your DH will see/understand your POV, and agree to it.
You can be firm and make every thing a clear full stop.

Nevertheless, the case looks different to me. Not sure whether I clearly understood your case or not.
A frustrated and unhappy man will not voluntarily and happily extend supports to his FOO, that too after clearly acknowledging the fact that he is frustrated and unhappy because of their partiality.
If he does so, he may be suffering from a very low self esteem - which definitely needs therapy.
Because it is human nature to feel bad when someone is partial towards us.

That's why I fail to understand your POV here.
Basically many men in our context are subjected to partiality by their parents who suck their son's blood to lead a luxury life and help their favorite children. But the important part is that these sons do not understand this partiality. They are being fooled, hence they happily support their FOO.
But in your case, looks like your H is unhappy and frustrated, which shows how much he understands this partiality. Then why the hell he continues to be the victim?

 

It's not bizzare. That is Indian man psychology .

 

I understand your situation very well We can't ignore, afterall after marriage we are almost one and whatever DH does affects me, it's not that we can ignore the PILs even for our sakes alone.And especially in love marriage, you can't see your husband suffering deeply yet ignore saying it's not my problem.It's easy to suggest that don't have interaction with PILs and don't interfere in DH life. But in reality, due to PILs, DH emotional health, physical health etc get affected due to stress then his wife gets affected equally. And our future gets affected. Inspite of everything DH will do his duty and stay with them in joint family, then can a wife not be affected by the PILs' nature/attitude? A good parent is never partial towards the kids and never differentiate. And in Indian context we get affected by DH relationship with his FOO, because in India the DIL marries not just the guy but his entire family and she can't ignore.

 

I understand everything you are saying . Can't help you much but will surely pray for you

 

25 Great Tips for Building a Relationship With Your In-Laws



Common Courtesy Can Go a Long Way. “My experience was difficult at first. But, when I realized that they didn’t dislike me, they just would miss their son, it all changed. Respect, honesty and common courtesy goes a long way. Eventually, the F.E.A.R (false evidence appearing real) goes away, guards are dropped and you realize you’re now an extended family – not a discontinuation of one.” -Jenny Campbell

Seek Advice Without Accusation. “Understand that they have loved your spouse much longer than you. Never put them in a position where they have to defend their child. Seek advice without accusations. Celebrate them for their support and encouragement of your spouse.” -Frances Siple

Extend Grace. “…the key to our relationship is respect and grace.” -Melissa Stratton Sanchez

Treat Them As Family. I have always looked at my in-laws like they’re my blood and it has made it so much easier to get along. We have all worked hard to make it important to us, though. It’s not always easy, but it has to matter enough to you to keep on working on it! -Laurina Rose Hendrickson

Be True to Who You Are. “Being yourself. Eventually it will work out. If you try to be something/someone you’re not, it will only cause everyone problems down the line.” -Karen Royalty Smith

Have Your Spouse Resolve Conflict. “When there is conflict between me and whomever, I talk it over with my husband and he talks to them. For one, they’re his family and he knows how to talk to them, and for two it takes him out of the middle – he doesn’t have to choose between me and them, he helps to resolve any conflict instead of letting one build.” -Tresa Koester

Give it Time. Realize relationships take TIME to build. One or even several large scale fights do not mean you cannot have a relationship. You may be very different people and it takes TIME to look at the world from another person’s viewpoint with love. Don’t give up. Always be kind. Give it time. -Tristan Roszkowski

Accentuate the Positive. “I love my mother-in-law. I think it helps to try to accentuate the positive. She is loving, giving, and incredibly kind. Of course, there are quirks that irritate me now and again, but in those moments, I try to remind myself that she is only doing what she thinks is best based off of her experience.” -Brittany Nielson

Include Them. Including them in all aspects of our lives, calling several times a week and including them on our family vacations with the kids. We WANT our children to have amazing memories of their grandparents. One day, WE will be the grandparents and would love the same respect. -Lori Ann Kennelly

Do Not Differentiate. “We never differentiate between “YOUR family” or “MY family”. It’s always OUR family from the day we were married. We love and respect each others parents and they love and respect us. We laugh, love and support each other as much as we can.” -Barbara Rocco Adams

Let Them Out of The Box. “For me, it has been to let them out of the little box I thought they were supposed to fit in. To be patient. To love and accept them as they are! I think I expected them to be like my family, and they are not. And that’s ok. It’s great, actually! They’re awesome!” -Stacy Smith Bishop

Remember Who They Are. “Remembering they raised and love the person you love and enjoy their company.” -Jeanine Parrish Giuliano

Remove Pride. “Love! Not being so prideful myself that I ignore their wisdom and love. They truly love me as their daughter and I love them as parents. Love never fails!” -Molinda Bailey

They Are Not the Enemy. “Mutual respect, not looking at your mother in law like she is an “enemy”, set healthy boundaries early on, communicate well, and a hug truly goes a long way.” -Alaina Marie

Know Your Roles. “Respect. Knowing each person’s role in their partner’s lives. A lot of times it can verge on who is SIGNIFICANT in their lives still? Each party has a different love type and level. When both parties respect that…then you have peace and harmony.” -June Robinson

Protect Your Words. “Prayer, self-assessment, forgiveness, always be humble and protect your own words, they become a part of your life and last forever.” -Melissa Dyer
Respect Their Position. “Respect their positions as parents (and grandparents, if apply)….Always be honest….Show constant love and gratitude for raising a wonderful child!” -Sheryl Taylor

Build a Friendship. “Love them, I mean really love them. Build a friendship with them and include them in your life, not just in areas where your spouse is involved but in all areas. Pray for God to connect your families together also.” -Vycki South

Have No Expectations. “Having their grandchildren, having no great expectations & just letting go of criticism – they see it as trying to help – believing the intention is good.” -Sara Litzkow Wax

Let Go of Grudges. “Be honest but respectful at the same time. Let go of grudges. Be patient. Have fun together! Communicate! Laugh! Share stories!” -Lesley Michelle Callahan Rogers

Don’t Put on a Show. “My relationship with my mother-in-law is separate from my relationship with my husband. I spend time alone with her…I don’t say negative things to her about him…and I act like me. I never put on a show for her.” -Angela Swartz

Bring Presumptions to the Surface. “Communication. Period. It was rough in the beginning but once I cleared the air by bringing all the presumptions to the surface, it’s been awesome ever since — and that was 13 years ago.” -Carlie Kercheval

Find a Respectful Approach. “If they raised the man of your dreams treat them as they are the reason he exists. Vent to your honey first, if something bothers you, to come up with the most respectful approach to not only them but your honey – respect them as HIS parents but love them as your own.” -Kristyn Johnson

Take Initiative. “Take initiative with them, don’t ignore them and wait for them to do so. Invite them for dinner, help your husband shop/buy gifts for them, etc. Include them in your good news! Help make them feel special and an important part of your life.” -Emily Reese

It’s a Package Deal. “Always put in mind/heart that it’s a package deal. Love your In-laws as much as you love your husband no matter what.” -Shirley Topang

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