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Hiding Details By Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by charanya147, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. charanya147

    charanya147 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ils,
    I just wanna know. ...how you feel if husband hide details from wife. .....in family matter like BIL marriage , any other family functions from wife......but expecting wife to attend all the functions with a happy face......
    Husband applied for leave at office,booked tickets etc without informing the wife.....but opens up a day before the journey to wife and pressurising her
    Why the in laws and husband always wants to hide things from dil/wife......but need her help alone ......
    Will they accept if wife or dil started to hide things from them......will a husband accept if the wife booked her tickets before a month to visit her parents and informs him only a day before the journey date.......

    When will this attitude change of treating dil a outsider i don't know. ...atleast i can digest for in laws approach towards dil....but husband too following the same approach will cause stress with wife.....
     
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  2. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry if I we can be clear what is the point in hiding, if husband does or the wife reciprocates the same act its malicious for their relationship ..
    Either ways a mistake is a mistake neither of them does it you can't justify. Husband and wife are two parts of a physical balance they got to mutually share this gs burdens or anything and sail thru rather than hiding and letting know on the day or before or whatever ..
     
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  3. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Put your foot down and tell him that you cannot be a part of his plan unless you know beforehand.Ask him to treat you as a human being and not as a slave.

    What does he benefit by not telling you earlier itself? Especially in big issues like marriage or going out of town?

    With inlaws doing that,they mostly find it egoistic to come to DIL and give the news, and usually they expect that the husband conveys to his wife.But husband doing this seems extreme.
     
  4. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Op if I were you I would refuse to be a part of his plans and clearly make him understand my role in his life. If it still doesn't get into his mind, I would emotionaly detach myself from him, work on myself making independent. I would also not leave myself at his mercy when it comes to meeting my parents. I would book the tickets, let him know, take the kids along and go. Always remember that people will always happily make you a doormat or a punching bag if you let them. I read these beautiful lines somewhere that Your happiness is only your responsibility, you can never be happy if you leave it up to dh, kids, parents, your own uncultivated mind or anybody or anything else.

    Regarding you asking when will this attitude change, the answer is it will never change untill the change doesn't come from you. I believe at any given time we only have two options either be a victim or a surviver.
     
  5. Bhaskaran

    Bhaskaran Silver IL'ite

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    25 Great Tips for Building a Relationship With Your In-Laws

    Common Courtesy Can Go a Long Way. “My experience was difficult at first. But, when I realized that they didn’t dislike me, they just would miss their son, it all changed. Respect, honesty and common courtesy goes a long way. Eventually, the F.E.A.R (false evidence appearing real) goes away, guards are dropped and you realize you’re now an extended family – not a discontinuation of one.” -Jenny Campbell

    Seek Advice Without Accusation. “Understand that they have loved your spouse much longer than you. Never put them in a position where they have to defend their child. Seek advice without accusations. Celebrate them for their support and encouragement of your spouse.” -Frances Siple

    Extend Grace. “…the key to our relationship is respect and grace.” -Melissa Stratton Sanchez

    Treat Them As Family. I have always looked at my in-laws like they’re my blood and it has made it so much easier to get along. We have all worked hard to make it important to us, though. It’s not always easy, but it has to matter enough to you to keep on working on it! -Laurina Rose Hendrickson

    Be True to Who You Are. “Being yourself. Eventually it will work out. If you try to be something/someone you’re not, it will only cause everyone problems down the line.” -Karen Royalty Smith

    Have Your Spouse Resolve Conflict. “When there is conflict between me and whomever, I talk it over with my husband and he talks to them. For one, they’re his family and he knows how to talk to them, and for two it takes him out of the middle – he doesn’t have to choose between me and them, he helps to resolve any conflict instead of letting one build.” -Tresa Koester

    Give it Time. Realize relationships take TIME to build. One or even several large scale fights do not mean you cannot have a relationship. You may be very different people and it takes TIME to look at the world from another person’s viewpoint with love. Don’t give up. Always be kind. Give it time. -Tristan Roszkowski

    Accentuate the Positive. “I love my mother-in-law. I think it helps to try to accentuate the positive. She is loving, giving, and incredibly kind. Of course, there are quirks that irritate me now and again, but in those moments, I try to remind myself that she is only doing what she thinks is best based off of her experience.” -Brittany Nielson

    Include Them. Including them in all aspects of our lives, calling several times a week and including them on our family vacations with the kids. We WANT our children to have amazing memories of their grandparents. One day, WE will be the grandparents and would love the same respect. -Lori Ann Kennelly

    Do Not Differentiate. “We never differentiate between “YOUR family” or “MY family”. It’s always OUR family from the day we were married. We love and respect each others parents and they love and respect us. We laugh, love and support each other as much as we can.” -Barbara Rocco Adams

    Let Them Out of The Box. “For me, it has been to let them out of the little box I thought they were supposed to fit in. To be patient. To love and accept them as they are! I think I expected them to be like my family, and they are not. And that’s ok. It’s great, actually! They’re awesome!” -Stacy Smith Bishop

    Remember Who They Are. “Remembering they raised and love the person you love and enjoy their company.” -Jeanine Parrish Giuliano

    Remove Pride. “Love! Not being so prideful myself that I ignore their wisdom and love. They truly love me as their daughter and I love them as parents. Love never fails!” -Molinda Bailey

    They Are Not the Enemy. “Mutual respect, not looking at your mother in law like she is an “enemy”, set healthy boundaries early on, communicate well, and a hug truly goes a long way.” -Alaina Marie

    Know Your Roles. “Respect. Knowing each person’s role in their partner’s lives. A lot of times it can verge on who is SIGNIFICANT in their lives still? Each party has a different love type and level. When both parties respect that…then you have peace and harmony.” -June Robinson

    Protect Your Words. “Prayer, self-assessment, forgiveness, always be humble and protect your own words, they become a part of your life and last forever.” -Melissa Dyer
    Respect Their Position. “Respect their positions as parents (and grandparents, if apply)….Always be honest….Show constant love and gratitude for raising a wonderful child!” -Sheryl Taylor

    Build a Friendship. “Love them, I mean really love them. Build a friendship with them and include them in your life, not just in areas where your spouse is involved but in all areas. Pray for God to connect your families together also.” -Vycki South

    Have No Expectations. “Having their grandchildren, having no great expectations & just letting go of criticism – they see it as trying to help – believing the intention is good.” -Sara Litzkow Wax

    Let Go of Grudges. “Be honest but respectful at the same time. Let go of grudges. Be patient. Have fun together! Communicate! Laugh! Share stories!” -Lesley Michelle Callahan Rogers

    Don’t Put on a Show. “My relationship with my mother-in-law is separate from my relationship with my husband. I spend time alone with her…I don’t say negative things to her about him…and I act like me. I never put on a show for her.” -Angela Swartz

    Bring Presumptions to the Surface. “Communication. Period. It was rough in the beginning but once I cleared the air by bringing all the presumptions to the surface, it’s been awesome ever since — and that was 13 years ago.” -Carlie Kercheval

    Find a Respectful Approach. “If they raised the man of your dreams treat them as they are the reason he exists. Vent to your honey first, if something bothers you, to come up with the most respectful approach to not only them but your honey – respect them as HIS parents but love them as your own.” -Kristyn Johnson

    Take Initiative. “Take initiative with them, don’t ignore them and wait for them to do so. Invite them for dinner, help your husband shop/buy gifts for them, etc. Include them in your good news! Help make them feel special and an important part of your life.” -Emily Reese

    It’s a Package Deal. “Always put in mind/heart that it’s a package deal. Love your In-laws as much as you love your husband no matter what.” -Shirley Topang

    இது நமக்கு சம்பந்தம் இல்லாத பகுதி...... [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
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  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    As many sugggested you need to confront him for not telling any family matters but expecting you to go ! Tell him if he is not treating you as his family then better be like tat don’t expect you to attend and involve in family matters . You can tell him tat you are busy with some other stuffs so can’t accompany him ! Would have come if you were informed long back !
     
  7. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmmm...

    I fell for it once or twice when my DH booked tickets ahead of time. Later, I realized that he had a "plan" and I wasn't informed of his intentions of the trip. Later years, I refused to go along with him. It taught him a big lesson in cancellation fees / re-booking fee year after year.

    I need to watch out, lately he is pressuring me to travel with him. This time, I told him if it is in businesses class, I may consider it! I wonder, why he didn't want to go by himself, either. He claims that it is not the same :confundio1::confundio1::confundio1:(without me as the spectator, :rolleyes: :rolleyes::rolleyes: wonder why?)

    Never a dull moment in life, cannot close my eyes peacefully. There we go again....even after decades of marriage life, he does the same thing again and again, very predictable :smirk::smirk::smirk:.
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2018
  8. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    My time is precious , so plans made without my knowledge would never work. IL’s have tried to do this and failed miserably. Over time they have learnt their lessons. So don’t let husband take you for granted , you are not cattle that can be herded around as and when the husband and IL’s please. I would refuse to attend a wedding if details and plans are kept a secret deliberately.
     
  9. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    How will I feel ? Utterly disappointed and angry.

    If someone treats you like a stranger, then there's nothing wrong in you doing the same.

    I mostly won't go, so that this doesn't get repeated. Will say am not ready. How can someone attend a family wedding just like that ? There are clothes prep, jewellery prep, holiday planning for home prep, what all to do there prep, prepping us like losing a lil weight or face packs or a hair cut. There are a million things a woman may have to prep about, esp for a family wedding.

    Informing a day before n dragging will never ever work.

    Or the other option is to roam around with a sad face, dress up badly, n exaggerate the situation to the relatives when they ask. That will scare them too. As being nice is not gona help with people like this.

    If we don't learn to stand up for all this then the only choice is to live with this. You just got to make a choice.
     
  10. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    It's annoying and irritating. If I were you, I would give him a chance once or twice but then again if he keeps doing this, I would refrain myself to fall to his trap. Similar things has happened with me too. He would have bought expensive gifts for his family(to his aunts/uncles) without my knowledge and the best part is he would give the gifts in my hand and ask me to give it to them(he does this in front of others) & I had to fake them all. Initially I would think he was genuinely forgetting to let me know but later to my realization he has done on my back which was upsetting. I would wonder, such a nice man my DH is but he is also smart in making his plan work.

    In your case, if you are working, you can plainly say "I have presentation or imp meeting, how would you expect me to apply sudden pay time off? I can't ruin my career just because you chose to hide the plans from me." But I wouldn't even mind to give any excuse, I would just say 'you neither discussed nor told me off the plans ahead so i simply can't make it'.
     
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