Anger And Anxiety

Stop expressing your love to her. Whenever she interferes, tell her straight you won't allow her to interfere. You don't have to be close with such persons. Try to take "away time" from her. Read books, go for walk, listen to music....stay away from her (emotionally and physically) as much as possible (even if you are living in one roof). stay happy, such negative people will come to you. If she talks, respond politely. Minimize your conversations. Such people will try to drain your energy, don't let her take away your positive energy. Forgive her past for your own happiness, be a new person from this moment. Never show your love/anger to such persons, they are not worth it. Anger will only make you guilty.
Advise your husband to spend more time with her, you take "away time" from her. Such passive aggressive mils won't show their aggression to sons. So let him engage her. You stay away.
I always listen to this to train myself:
You can listen if you like.

 

Op I was in your shoes some time back. I was getting so tired of this competitive treadmill. I was tired of my mind which was always on high alert around mil. I dreaded her visits and time away from her was mostly spent in thinking about those visits. I missed out on so much of life beacause of that and thank god I got tired of all that and started looking for ways to put all this to rest. I Learnt that my mind was deceiving me a lot. But did I really hav to feel that miserable ? No no way. I started maintaining a gratitude journal and that gave me a chance to look at the blessings I have which I was taking for granted.

When I explored deeper in my mind I found that my mil is highly insecure, very intolerant of me and cold towards me but was I any better no, more or less the same. I never got love or support from her. I beleiv secretly I was also jealous of my brothers wife because she got so much support and love from my parents and I was also expecting the same from my mil which really disappointed me.

But the whole point is I was the only one who was throwing myself at the mercy of this acceptance. My mind started to be more at peace when I strated to realise that I am actually becoming bitter And it's not only my mil, I am becoming my own enemy

I started cognitive behaviour therapy which seemed to help a bit but I did not continue it. I have love marriage and my husband is a very good man. He loves me unconditionally, a very good father to our daughter and a very good son in law to my parents. I always knew this but somehow secretly I blammed him for having this woman in my life. What a pitiful way of thinking.

Meditation really helped me. I slowly realised that I do not really hav to beleive all my feeling and thoughts. We do not see things as they are we see things as we are this quote really helps me see things from an unbiased angle. Now I have realised that my relationship with my mother in law does not define my life. It is only a very small part of my life. Mindfulness has made me see what a blessing my life is. I have a very nice life partner, a happy and healthy child, my parents are in their late sixties and doing well with their health, we had almost lost my dad two years back but he survived that difficult period and even come out stronger are these not the blessings of life. I really adore my partner and slowly I started to be very thankful of my mil, she must hav done something right to hav given birth to such good person.i definately owe this one to her. My husband truly respects my parents and that makes me admire him even more. On mils recent visit to our home, I was being kind to her, ignoring her tantrums for my husbands sake and that really made him happy. I loved giving him that joy because he deserves it.

Now I accept my mil as a person from whom I hav no expectations at all. We have diffrent upbringing we grew up in diffrent eras. I have access to all thee books in world, Internet and not to miss IL and I have a choice to act better. Starting from ground zero really helped me this time. This was the most peaceful time I had with my mil. She was slightly unwell so I looked after her nicely cooked three hot meals for her, washed and ironed her clothes without any resentment and it all went well. Things were quite peace full at home and in my mind as well. As thich nhat Hahn says when the person inside you changes, then the person outside you changes very well. We are so thankful to the times when people like him live in this world.

Another thing which really helped is gardening. I treat my mind as soil in my garden. I only water the seeds I need. If weed grows in my garden or in my mind it's my responsibility to cut it and replace it with nice flowers or nurturing plants.

If my mind still revolts I tell it back that nothing is permanent in this world including these nasty feelings. I believe if some one throws the anger or resentment ball at you, you have the choice to not to catch it. I am not sure if my reply is helpful but that is how I got my peace of mind.

 

I was in a lot of situations where I was around toxic people , the kind of people around whom you can never be happy around. Sometimes they were family members, bad co workers or bosses . Peace came only by either distancing or cutting them off. I have tried the technique of not letting that person affect me, but it dint work for me.I know its not always possible to run away from such people but I think if you have that option why not try it... You seem to be trapped in your life and deeply unhappy. Ask yourself what is going to make you happy and work towards making that happen. Happiness and contentment don't just fall into our laps, we have to make it happen. Don't want to scare you , but the number one emotional cause of cancer is resentment. If you don't want to end up with some serious illness down the future, please start taking care of your emotional health. Remove the word "adjust" from your dictionary. Forgiveness is very important but that doesn't mean you condone your mils behavior. You have never even mentioned moving out from a joint family , I guess its something you feel is too much to hope for. But why don't you in the middle of a family dinner or function get up and announce that you want to stay seperately. Atleast this will give a jolt of reality to everyone that your needs are being undermined and you are vocal about it.

 

@Joyoflife , thanks for sharing. I reread read it , life lessons for me.

@MonikaSG Truly appreciate your thoughts in bold above. Despite the unrest and troubles you face , that you can think like this , speaks of your maturity.
Just wanted to tell you 3 things
1. there are no right or wrong feelings. It is ok to hurt , feel anger, why even hatred. Unless you acknowledge that emotion, it is hard to overcome them.

2. People around us may change or may not - dont ever expect them to. But yes you can work on how you will react when they act as they do. Maybe that will trigger them to change. If they do it is a bonus, if they dont, you have taken care of yourself.

3. Deep down all this negativity is making you hate yourself. You are a very good soul - and wife and mother and DIL. Dont let anyone including you tell you otherwise.

Take care

 

Thank you so much monika. Pleasure is all mine I am glad I was able to help. Recognising the problem is half the battle won. you will enjoy this journey of discovering yourself.

 

Thank you so much sunpa.