Anger And Anxiety

Firstly, try to accept people and situations as it is. Rather than getting angry on her for not acting as per your expectations, try to accept that she is a different individual with a different mindset. And anytime she insists you do things her way,politely decline or just say Okay and do as per your way. You know Action speaks louder than words. So show in actions that you are not bothered. If she is already on a high for doing things her way,then LEARN FROM HER to get that confidence and high about your own self.

 

Dear @MonikaSG your feelings are very natural- living with MIL is very difficult- because it feels like directly or indirectly she is your boss. She can ignore you but you can't ignore her. So first of all congrats for living in joint family so patiently as it's more difficult for a homemaker as you have to spend maximum time with PILs.
But like you rightly said you can't waste your precious life obsessing over her. Just remind yourself that every DIL faces some or other issue with MIL,it is very common and you can't change that so why waste time thinking about her nature.Every morning get up and think how you are going to focus on your own life, goals, health, hobbies, husband, kids and your own family/friends. That way she cannot distract you much, How we start the day decides the rest of the day and rest of our life. So every morning wake up with positive and focused mindset, then if she annoys you just behave politely but get back to your own life.

 

I am clear on one thing. I cannot control others, I can control how I react. How I handle is, if someone (family) is trying to show dominance/take me for granted I will tell “no” directly and then forgive them. I won’t think about past. I have a real time thoughts filter in me (that I have built after lot of self analysis and past experiences ) that processes my reaction to words. So I respond that moment, so won’t hold past. People have made mistakes. Even I have made mistakes, but I have learnt lessons from past. I will forgive because how they behave “now” is very important. I will share everything with my husband and get some advise if I feel negative.
If you want to be happy, you need to stop holding anger. You need to do self analysis and try to find a way to switch to happy state. You need to find a way to channel your negative feelings. Read some fiction/nonfiction novels. Take Alone time. Go for walk, listen to songs. Do what you like. Why holding anger on your mil? You haven’t mentioned any specifics. Try to tell her straight when she is trying to dominate you. If she is telling you to do something you don’t like tell no. Draw clear boundaries. But support her (emotionally/financially) when needed. Make her feel special on her important days, teach her to make you feel special on your important days. Only through communication, bond will grow. You cannot hold anger and be happy at the same time. Talk straight, you won’t have to hold anger. Talk positively, do not talk about others to mil. Talk only positive things, be an example. If we talk straight, it’s very easy to forgive and forget.
Let me tell you an example that I face sometimes.
Person X always speaks stupidly...This X always talks bad about others to me. I do not respond anything because I don’t like talking behind back. I cannot completely ignore X because X is one of my family members. So I will react and respond straight (without getting angry) if this X passes bad comments about me directly to me. X will have to think many times before passing comments to me because he knows I will question. I know X talks behind my back, but I don’t get hurt because talking behind my back won’t hurt me. I feel X is wasting his time and energy by talking bad about me shows he is unhappy and negative. So it’s easy for me to forgive X. When I hear people telling me “X told about you”. I will respond “X is my family. So please stop coming to me and passing whatever he is telling to me”. So people know they cannot gossip about X or anyone to me. I feel negative whenever I interact with X. But my natural state is being happy, so I try to channel my energy. I share how stupid this X is with my husband and then I move on. I read good books which takes me away from overthinking things.Within few minutes, I reach my positive anger free state. Now I feel sorry for X...I can understand he doesn’t have a proper channel to focus his energy and remove negativity. Removing his negativity is not my business, how I react to his comments/draw boundaries is in my hands and is my business.
I am happy to see that you realized your inner anger is not helping you. You are in right track. Channel your thoughts, be kind, don’t try to please others, be honest, be forgiving.

 

It is definitely difficult to be living in an environment which is negative or gives negative feelings. Start practicing spirituality. Read spiritual stuff,this will give an overall picture about life and we may ignore these people and their actions. Do your duty and have zero expectations / emotions about the feedback of these people. And it is not bad to show them that you are disinterested in them. Don't be rude but just don't over react with them.

Ps-I also live in joint family and have experienced such emotions from time to time. These are some of the strategies i used to bring peace to my mind.

 

You are matured because you seem to understand anger is not helping you. So I am sure you will handle things well in future. Be happy. Wishing the best.

 

Monika, you are far more mature than you think. Being aware of your problems and acknowledging it is the biggest step and you have already achieved it. You have to endure what you cannot get rid of. Yeah, sometimes anger and frustration can be overwhelming. Everybody goes through this cycle. Best is to stay busy with your kids, practice some hobby, exercise routine and relaxation. These things will keep you busy and naturally, your interaction with her will reduce. Set small personal goals and work on achieving it in time. This will keep you focussed and that way you can ward off unnecessary thoughts and self-pity.

Bahu bhi kabhi saas banegi Understand her as much as you can and sympathise with her condition. She is single, ageing and she too must be having many personal issues and insecurities to tackle. The moment you start seeing her not just as "Bond" but an ageing woman; mother of your husband, who deserves some care and respect, you will begin to see yourself as a more capable person. A person who is capable of giving a lot of love and care to the family including her. Now mentally, you will place yourself in a higher position and you won't be bugged much by her. Focus on developing and grooming yourself.