My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

The topic headline reads "My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil". There are references to how a person changed after his marriage. If this was only about a person's behaviour, why drag his partner into this? Am sorry but there is an unconscious bias against the DIL here.

If people do not want to change their equations with anyone else because of a new member then maybe people should not expect the new member to change her relationship with her cousins and refer to a fun time with them as "attitude".
Sharing problems does not mean that the person sharing or listening will be neutral and focused on solving the problem. Unfortunately, unconscious biases creep in. While it is humanly impossible to be devoid of "unconscious" bias, atleast one should try to recognize it. With all respect ma'am, from your overall response, I feel that you don't want to accept the other perspective even when it is presented to you. And I believe this is an unconscious bias mainly coming from the thought that "we all resolved to be the best MILs". As humans we think 100 things, say 50 of those and only act on 10 of the 50 we said. What we think we are "going to be" is not always the way we "behave". Do my actions reflect the promise I made to myself? Do my actions reflect what I said?- are questions all of us should ask ourselves. The part that you felt was rude was not directed towards you and that's why I said before saying it that it is not directed towards you. In any case, if anything I said was rude to you, I apologize.

"Best" MILs are, fortunately or unfortunately, from the perspective of DILs not from that of MILs themselves. I cannot certify myself, that certificate would be worthless because no one has to believe a certificate I gave myself. If your sister truly wants to be a good MIL, she should have first talked with her DIL/son and then talked to you about her "problems". Maybe there wouldn't be a problem to talk about if she had talked to her DIL/son first. Am sorry, but a discussion about a "problem" without an attempt made to resolve it with the person concerned, is gossip to me. You can differ here and call me rude again. In that case, we will just have to agree to disagree.

First, please don't relate me to your sister's DIL directly. Yes, we are new DILs and our perspectives may or may not match. But that's all there is.
Haven't you completely forgotten that the DIL is also about to part with her family in a few hours and she may want some time with her parents. How's you wanting to spend time with your nephew "affection/love" while the DIL wanting to spend time with her parents "selfish"? Actually, my in-laws extended family did not come to the airport. It was only my husband, his parents, my parents and me. We all did have a quiet moment with our respective parents. I have to appreciate my extended in-laws for this. They themselves opted to not come realizing that all of us wanted our respective quiet moments. But they did wish us best wishes through messages and calls before we went to the airport.

 

@blessed I respect and admire the way you have responded to feedback in this thread. You've been open-minded and accepted points of view different from your own. Your sister's family is lucky to have you in their lives.

 

Hi @blessed, Totally agree with @Amica .. your posts in this thread show how kind and soft natured you are..If your sister is like you I can see how hard it is for a soft spoken person to confront someone, be it their own son and ask him the reason for his behavior.. as you have mentioned reestablishing communication with the son/dil would be a good first step to building this relationship..maybe an easier thing would be to try to forget this incident and move on, than bring things up and get more hurt..

 

@blessed looks like this thread is taking a different direction. I hope you can truly help your sister to heal and re-build her relationship with her son. Out of anger we do so many things but at the end it is not worth it. Just focus on future and forget the past.

 

@blessed we have interacted long back with the mil issues and her death and your nephew’s marriage abroad.

i saw this thread the first day but refrained from posting bur right now happy that ypu are able to see it as it is a healthy pov.

the first year is about adjustments on all sides. please refrain from talking about any of this as the offended party. act neutral, though seeing your sibling hurt may want you to stand by her. we never know what happened in the whole schema of things.

find a way to mend relationships. keep your feelings with your sister independent of how you work with your nephew and his wife. forge a relationship. it is a learning curve for you too @blessed with a daughter..

 

[QUOTE
. But still I am ready to blast my nephew for his behavior which I never ever expected.[/QUOTE]

Please stay out of it for your own good . Let the mom and son talk it through . He is not a little boy you can blast anymore because he did not behave according to your expectations .There is a high chance he will cut you off from his life @blessed I am really impressed by the way you took all the posts here so well .

 

Now that the diamond set issue is hot here let me share something . Many many years ago my now husband send my MIL and SIL to a jewelry store with 6 Lakh INR (cash he has been saving and converted the same morning ) to buy his future wife a diamond set .MIL came back with a set of diamond bangles one for me one for SIL Pissed him off big time . Few years later she calls asks for funding for SIL's diamond necklace for her engagement .It took him less that a minute to say "No he cannot afford to do it " . Even though he funded her gold jewelry and 5 star hotel reception ,room bills he still refused to pay for the diamond set( All on credit cards which he had to pay for 2 years ) . Things like this which can look minor and materialistic to others may offend the people who are wronged here big time !!!I feel so wronged even now : (

 

[QUOTE
My Sister had a budget of what she has to gift the DIL , say 4 L for jewelry 2L for bride's saree's and 2L for the saree's of the brides family and for us it looked like,as it is she is spending lot of money and my nephew wants to just show of that his parents can afford more.
[/QUOTE]

Wow!! This makes sense . This is quite a generous thing to do .I was shocked to read about 4 K coral set . I was really hoping the DIL would save to it regift the SIL on her wedding day

 

[QUOTE"]
My Sister is a nice lady, No I am not telling this because she is my Sis, basically her character is soft spoken , doesn't like to indulge in any arguments loves peace at home, has very few friends and won't initiate any conversation , probably this is the reason she could not communicate with her own DIL.

I really don't know what happened in these 10 months, I am sure it would be small
miscommunication / misunderstandings and no chance of any major arguments, I know my sister very well she would never raise her voice even to her servant maid and definitely she would never spoken in harsh tone with her new DIL.

[/QUOTE]

@blessed This gives me PTSD flashbacks !!! This is exactly what my MIL's sisters told me about her on the day of my marriage and what I bet they still think about her in 2018 . She went ahead and disrespected and humiliated me and my family from day 1 of marriage .I have no relationship with her now .

It is very easy to love and cherish our own blood be it our children ,sisters,nieces/nephews. That shouldn't be yard stick to measure .