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My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Feb 14, 2018.

  1. dnormx01

    dnormx01 Gold IL'ite

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    I haven’t read through the whole thread, pardon me if I get any facts wrong or repeating the suggestions already given.

    If it’s just a simple ornament and the DIL is expected not to make big deal about such material stuff, why not your sister gift it to her anyway, if it’s worth the peace of the family? Son is ready to share, they are also financially able to.. you realize the DIL is hurt and unhappy about it, wish her for any upcoming occasion like 1st anniversary or something and gift it to her. She will surely reciprocate the gesture and will also understand your sister is sensitive and values relationships more than diamonds. She can also explain to the Son that they are not small kids to throw tantrums like this to get gifts.
    JMO
     
  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:One would find true friend in your council which reflects professional INDEED and should say of a psychologist. Hats off to your profound thinking and advise to the OP.
    THANKS. REGARDS.
    GOD BLESS US ALL ALWAYS.
     
  3. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @blessed, you know only what your sister chose to reveal to you. It's a fair assumption that much has been consciously/unconsciously left out. In all the families I know, under similar circumstances, the parents would be discussing the son's/DIL's inhospitality non-stop while in the US. It's hard to imagine her DD had nothing to say on this subject.

    Personally, I've heard of and seen a fair number of MILs who, as a result of their own actions/words/attitudes are best kept at arm's length. And I've also seen young couples who, for reasons of their own, choose to distance themselves from family. We'll never know who was "at fault" — nor, IMO, is blame apportioning necessary or useful.

    Help your sister let go of the past — both the wedding and the US visit — and focus instead on the future and how to fix the relationship. She needs to pick up the phone and talk candidly with her three (DIL, DS, DD) kids — less about the hurts of the past, more about how to make the family bonds stronger and happier for every member.

    I hope she can get her family back on track soon. :thumbsup:
    .
     
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  4. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    I didn't want to say anything until this post. I am very similar to the DIL in this post. Mine is a love marriage and my MIL has 2 other sisters. The contrast is even more because I'm from south India and my husband is from the north. I can imagine my MIL's sister similarly talking about me to everyone without completely knowing what the context is or who is at fault. With all due respect ma'am, the way your sister behaves with you is not the same way she is going to behave with her DIL. Her DIL is not her sister. The equation is completely different. She may be softspoken but she may have softly and slyly insulted her DIL and her parents - like my MIL does to me. She may have "jokingly" and of course "softly" made a mockery and "claimed" that her DIL takes everything "seriously". Done enough times, these are emotional abuses. And do you think your sister would tell you what she did? Because what she did may "not even be serious" enough for her to mention it to you. But it would have been "heartbreaking" for the DIL.

    The similarity in this entire thread is so close that I even wonder if you are one of my MIL's sister. Well, if the marriage did happen in blore like you say, then no. I stayed only for 5 days in my MIL's house. But the words that my FIL and MIL spoke, I cannot forget. It's been more than a year. The sly remarks, unnecessary comments about my parents and the fact that I was jetlagged, tired, so many new relatives, everything - this is so so much harder on the DIL than you think. And you say "that girl" had an "attitude". Ma'am try traveling for 24 hours and then standing on the stage for 2 days. and being forced to smile at people you meet for the first time. The only solace "that girl" had for those 2 days were her friends and cousins. Those were the only people who helped her get through those 2 days. Even after one year, you refer to "that girl" and "her attitude". I can almost imagine what your behaviour would have been in front of her on her wedding day. If "that girl" put up with everything and held her own without yelling at anyone, she should be praised. And here you are, blaming her for something your sister's son did!


    I have to say this. Because I'm pretty sure my MIL's sister would have said the same as you said. Am sorry but I hated my MIL's sister because she and her husband kept poking their noses into things that were none of their business. "Did you and <my husband's name> have a good night?" This was the first question she asked after my wedding night. I nodded and went away. But I felt, "Lady, mind your own business." According to her, she might have tried to make me feel at home. That she was there for me. But for me, "No! Let me have my privacy". Her husband, "how does it feel to leave your parents and your city? your parents will only come to see you and that's all." According to him, he was making "fun". According to me, "who are you to say I left my parents and city. In fact, how dare you say that. None of your business". In fact, i did tell him that i did not leave my parents and my city and that he can keep saying what he wants, i don't care. I hated the way my MIL's sister's husband spoke to my father and mother - always an aloof attitude as if he was doing a favor by talking to them. My parents and I let it go because we weren't going to see his face everyday. Even the general way my MIL's sister behaved with me - I didn't like it. I would turn and talk to someone, and she would be like - what did you talk and what did the other person say. That's not making someone feel at home, that's "monitoring". And she used to give advice on how a bride should look on the wedding day to my MIL and my MIL used to pressurize me with the same advice before the wedding. I just stood my stand.

    So, if you did something similar and claim to have made her feel at home - no, you totally made her uncomfortable. 30 of you went to the airport to send them off. How's that making someone feel at home ?? If it was me, I would be totally exhausted and literally said - please give me some privacy, some alone time, a quiet moment with my parents.

    If you and your family are people who try to make "fun", "jokes" and build relationships and then claim that you made her feel at home - that would never work with the DIL, if she is like me. People should make fun of themselves, not of DIL/her relatives and then claim that they are all jovial people, easy go attitude. That is just plain irritating and offensive, to me.

    I don't know you and the next part is not directed towards you.

    But I would totally say that my MIL's sister should mind her own business and not poke her nose into my family affairs, especially not go about discussing an issue that she was not directly involved in and that too portray me in a bad light when she doesn't even know completely what actually happened. In fact, I totally blame my MIL's sister and her husband for meddling unnecessarily in my wedding preparations and advising my MIL (probably with hey I have a DIL, I'm experienced in this, you should listen to me. Of course, I did not see this happen so I don't want to accuse her.). I could see a total change in my MIL only after she and her husband started meddling. Until then, my MIL and even FIL were talking sensibly.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2018
  5. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    A nice perspective from a DIL side! @AAPriya , omg! I remember after reading your post , on my wedding day my mil sisters (2 of them) asked my gold details which I was wearing, it was only the 3-4 hrs after the wedding, like in the words of praise, this Bangles are good? These necklaces are real Ruby or red stones? One mil's sister verified all silver items had the label of weight. I totally hated them.now I stand up for me, living far away yet my mil would remind me n DH to wish her sisters wedding day, Diwali, new year etc.
    Let your sister solve her issue, I know my mil she would tell everything happening at her home to her sisters daily updates, at night. Force me to talk to them, attend their family function on working days by taking leave, go shopping with Mil's daughters, buy them gifts.. want to forget.
    @blessed let your sister talk to her Dil and son. She should talk to Dil first, because younger generation have better clarity.
    But Whate their son did was wrong
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2018
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  6. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    Yeah, I suspect that my MIL discusses everything with her sister too. I didn't want to mention it because I didn't see her do it. My MIL's sister and her husband are very weird. My MIL's sister's husband has the audacity to say all this about my parents and then my MIL's sister presents me with a small gold chain saying wear this in the US as mangalsutra. Am like, your husband just insulted my parents. She forced it on me and then I gave it to my MIL. I never ever touched that chain again. I don't know what my MIL did with it. I don't understand how this works. Slap someone and then try to pamper them immediately so that they are available to be slapped again ?!? I stand up for me nowadays too. But yeah, am trying to move on and forget too. But it's very difficult.
     
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  7. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Truly difficult and then try to show how nice they are, when you're back in India for vacation.omg! All for what gifts I bought for my side and husband side .We should gift to Mil's clan not Fil's clan , last time I bought better gifts for FIL side, wantedly.
     
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  8. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    I totally hear you on that ! My MIL goes to any length to say how bad her MIL and FIL were. And how bad her husband's side is and how angel-like her own clan is. From my interaction, I found FIL's sisters to be much more well-behaved than MIL's "claimed angel clan". I did something similar. My FIL's sister lives close by. I invited her and made good food for her and her family. She realizes that am busy and really appreciated my hardwork. She was even courteous enough to message once before coming to ask if we were still free and that she can change dates if we were busy.
     
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  9. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Yes true perspective necessary. Assumptions and presumptions lead one nowhere and or one tend to go haywire and damage further prospects of improved relations.
    Well analysed and sound advise it is.
    Thanks and Regards.
    God Bless Us All Always.
     
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  10. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    or a moment I thought my Sister's DIL has also joined the Forum, but when you mentioned of your MIL's sisters husband then heaved a sigh of relief because my hubby hardly spoke to the DIL and he din't even stay in my sisters house. I very much agree to what all you have quoted and that's your ordeal you have experienced and I was in a similar actually much worse than this some years back.
    One main point I want everyone to understand is Iam are not blaming the DIL at all here my nephew is the topic of discussion, I don't know how many feel that I am unnecessarily interfering in my sisters family, please I am posting in this forum to get others opinions and views in this issue and till today I have not directly asked my nephew or his wife about any issue, yes I am nobody to interfere in their lives but nobody can stop my sister sharing her problems with me, this we have been doing for ages and an entry of a new member in the family cannot change our relationship.
    The above statement sounds very rude to me, looks like this statement is directly meant for me, but I want to make one thing clear I will never try to make matters worse , I only lent my ear silently listening to her problems never made any negative comments or aggravate the situation, as you said I don't know what happened between Son/Mother/DIL, in these nine months, unless she feels she can share with me I am okay listening but never try get more details of any issues and I again press on this point nobody can stop my sister sharing her problems with me.


    We sincerely wanted her to make her feel at home, we wanted her to get to know her new family as they will be leaving in 4 days, 30 of us sent them of in the airport includes my nephew's immediate Aunt/uncle, parents sisters and cousins who love him dearly want to wish him best when he leaves the country to start his new life.
    If it were you then you wanted privacy to be with your parents, don't you feel you are being selfish here, you completely forgotten about my nephew/Son who is going to part with his family in a few hrs and the privacy you mentioned you will have entire life time with him.
     
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