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My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Feb 14, 2018.

  1. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Different perspectives here, lots of kids study using scholarships and pay their way through higher education ( :hello:) Did not realize that is good enough reason to make them entitled.
    The gifts he lavished on his family I assume were given voluntarily and not demanded.
    If a sons treatment of his parents depends on the material value of their gifts to his wife then there is something fundamentally wrong. Instead he should focus on whether his parents are respectful towards his wife and correct them if they are not. ( not sure about this here because of preconceived notions about the girls attitude) .

    As an adult I would never imagine putting my parents through this, demanding a expensive gift for my spouse and then not treat them well because they gave something less expensive.

    Guess this is a wake up call for parents to start saving for that diamond necklace so that they can maintain a decent relationship with their sons.

    I am not going to blame the parents or the DIL here for their son turning out this way. He is responsible for his actions and behavior.

    As for me, my kids will get a samosa if they deserve one (@MonikaSG and me can vouch that samosas are good too). Chocolates cause tooth decay !


     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Pretending to give a gift from my side that I haven't paid for -- I might. If the gift is given to me and I am told, "Amma/Aunty, please give this to xyz."

    Buy the gift with the agreement/understanding that I will later be paid back for it -- no way. Been through too much money related experiences in life to trust any one now.

    Like it used to say on a sign in my favorite tailor's shop: Cash is King. : )

    It's been many years now, but I can see how it was easier for us since we paid for our own wedding. And didn't care what happened in it. It was simply a formality to satisfy some requirements. People merrily walked up to the mandap and said this ritual, that ritual needs to be done. We said 'brig it on'. LOL.. haven't yet watched the videos. Some parts like the pheras, 7 steps, mangalsutra (the fumbling and eventual success) were beautiful and whole hall went quiet. But overall, I feel I attended my wedding. : )

    Problems arise when modern is mixed with the old, and such mixing is inevitable. Kids want to fall in love and marry, but parents still often finance the wedding. We have tried to anticipate this a little. Have told the kids how much education gets paid for by us. The rest -- wedding, buying house etc they are on their own. First car -- maybe a little help from us.
     
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  3. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    :treadmill::nut:samosa jyada kha liya.:D
     
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  4. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    OP- the couple is newly married---less than a year. The DIL might still be a bit upset with the grand wedding that her parents paid for and the "PILs attitude". Things happen at the weddings, there might have been things said indirectly that she might be trying to forget. This is all too new. She might not be ready to spend more time with the PILs..she did spend two days. The son might be hurt as well. The parents might have said things before he got married...you never know. They might be working on the "letting go" part and as he said this is not the last time your sis and BIL visited US, there will be more times and the couple might have sorted things out by then.

    Did your sister call her son to let him know they have reached home safely? Did she tell them that it was nice seeing them at their place? If she wants to spend quality time with her son, she needs to accept "that girl with attitude" and be the bigger person.

    I am sorry but I see a little attitude problem here--"that girl"...is not how people introduce their DIL. As you mentioned the daughter didn't say anything negative or positive about "that girl" so it might be the son who is hurt and didn't want to deal with the parents at the moment.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Agree.
    Besides the trip was basically for daughter's graduation.

    They had a sightseeing trip planned which may not have been convenient timing and the daughter was free to go with them .It was not like they sat at home alone.

    They were hosted for 2 days and they spent the rest with the free daughter ....on her graduation trip.

    Quite possible the son was trying to save the graduation trip from going bad considering the strained relations.

    The fact that he did not attend the graduation shows things between the siblings are quite bad....or may be he doesn't think graduation ceremony is not such a big deal .No one attended his .

    Why did he not pick them up..?Parents should have asked.
    Maybe the daughter wanted to pick them up. May be the daughter wanted them to stay with her. They had after all come for her and there was place available in her apartment .She was free to travel with them .

    If I were in op's sister's place ,I would have myself wanted to stay more with the single child who was alone rather than the one who had a spouse.


    The parents need to ask if they are hurt.
    This family has really bad communication or the sister has not told op the entire story.

    A marriage and the first year can make and break relations.Parents should try to remove misunderstandings ,if any .There could be lot of imagined slights, too many miscommunicated expectations ,bad timings . May be things will not look so bad once things settle down and people start talking.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2018
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  6. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Haha main yaha samosa ke faayde bata rahi hoon aur tu treadmill par chalne lagi ! Ab peele aam ko main kaise kahoon ki samosa acha hain !

     
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  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Perfect ! This is how it should be ! Parents communicating with the bachcha log ( before they become too big for their boots) about what will be paid for and what they need to take care of. So there are no unrealistic expectations and no disappointments for either side.

    Maybe OP’s sister could have had this conversation when her son started dating . “ Find your meera, but shaadi main don’t expect any heera” .

    [QUOTE="Rihana, post: 4043579, member: 34666

    Problems arise when modern is mixed with the old, and such mixing is inevitable. Kids want to fall in love and marry, but parents still often finance the wedding. We have tried to anticipate this a little. Have told the kids how much education gets paid for by us. The rest -- wedding, buying house etc they are on their own. First car -- maybe a little help from us.[/QUOTE]
     
  8. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    You can say samosa too in limit. Jyada ka irada na koi fayda.:facepalm::nono::p
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    All the equations between a child and the parent(s) change after marriage. The period between the engagement and marriage (and in some cases the initial marriage days) play a crucial role in this equation.

    Because it is no longer the same relationship between you and your son. It is between you and your son's family (son+DIL+kids (if any))
    So, what is between you and your son is no longer important, but what is between you and your son's family matters the most.

    Your relationship with your son may be great, but your relationship with your son's family may not be that great. Perhaps, that's why all these messes.

    Coming to your case, @blessed, I've read and responded to many of your posts in the past.
    But here, looks like things are very different.

    Your sister's son had a love marriage, and that itself speaks a lot about the relationship between your sister and her DIL.
    The DIL came from a different state, and their marriage happened in such a way that your sister and the entire groom's family participated in that event as a guests only.
    I am not only talking about the grand event or the financial contribution here, but your detailed narration about how you all felt ignored by the bride at the wedding says it all.
    So, I am assuming some untold scenarios here. Basically it happens in any kind of weddings, be it arranged or love. But in such a case where both sets of families comes with a baggage (reservations about each other, hiccups before and during the marriage talks due to differences etc), the severity becomes so big.

    Besides, it is understandable that your nephew wanted his parents to present a hefty gift to their DIL at the wedding, to match with their parents' generosity for the grand wedding.
    He was responsible enough to commit that he shall pay it back for the gift. He could have brought the same gift to his wife directly. But looks like he wanted to highlight his parents' generosity before others (specially before his wife and in laws) at the wedding itself.
    Perhaps, he wanted to clear some bottle necks around this marriage matters, and show how great his parents were, or how welcoming and loving they were to their DIL.
    There was no valid reason for your sister's family to limit/restrict the gift as per their choice. Looks like they felt a moderate gift was enough for their DIL. But that wasn't a great welcoming considering all these baggage :(

    If I were the MIL, I would have gifted a moderate gift (4 lhs) as per my capacity, and a diamond gift as per my son's choice (coz I would anyway get the money back) to please my DIL big time.
    See... these are the simple things that the bride cherishes for life.

    And your other posts supports all my assumptions to some extent that your sister maintains a very distant relationship with her DIL, and mostly it is through her son.
    So, it is evident that your sister and her son's family (son+DIL) didn't gel enough with each other in this one year of marriage life.
    Not an issue, and it happens in any kind of marriage. The first year would be too tough for both the ends.

    No amount of being sweet mummy in the past helps, unless your sister develops a sweet relationship with her son's family (son+DIL) in the future.
    If her relationship with her DIL is sour or moderate, then all she can expect is the same from them too (including son).
    That's the reality.
     
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  10. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV has explained the situation well.

    Another thing I feel that the pride of being the son's parents really forms a barrier to having real relationships. Generally parents of brides go to great lengths, swallowing their ego, ignoring all slights by son-in-law and his family .cooperating with the daughters in whatever way possible, taking on entire burden of wedding without complaining- all this for the sake of their daughter to have a happy married life.

    But a son's parents have so much sense of entitlement and make no effort to mend relationships. You sister has created negative outcome at every stage instead of handling situation to make things better- first attending wedding as a guest without contributing and still showing dissatisfaction, next being stubborn about necklace although that wouldn't cost her money, and thirdly not calling the DIL due to ego issues. In our time as young brides we complain about unfairness of patriarchy, but as soon as we become MIL to DILs, suddenly we start romanticising about our honour as boy's family. Your sister is responsible for creating negativity at every stage here, which could have been prevented easily. Is it the ego that stops us?

    I'm not defending the DIL and son here. But I can't fail to notice the huge contrast between a bride's parents and a groom's. One party always tries to mend relationships by swallowing their ego while other party tries to uphold their ego by putting relationships at stake. One should try to think as a mother of a son, not as MIL of a DIL while taking decisions. Would she have handled same way if it was her daughter and son-in-law instead of son and DIL?
     
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