In my joint family setup when I got married my mil had a hold on all the things. She used to say each and every little task to be done. Like if we are eating then too she used to keep an eye an suggest eat it like this and when last bite left she used to start saying keep the dishes there do this and do that. I always used to leave some thing or the other with fear. Adjusted to that for more than a year. She still have a high hold but better than before. I do have a respect for elders but all that made me more expressive of my disagreement and hence created huge differences. But my husband understand me and give me respect even after getting upset with my behaviour towards his mother. That I feel is more than enough. Its not easy for new person to adjust to that kind of setup.
Definitely. I understand you. Even, I can't spend a day with my MIL. These elders can't have the cake and eat it too. Even at elder's homes or retirement facilities, they can't control others. Either they are not allowed to control or there is no one to control. So, they should learn to let go of the things to live in a happy family environment should they prefer to settle with one. Else, they should obviously chose to stay away from family. Can't help. Their children perhaps manage with their micromanaging and controlling because they are used to it. But how come they expect the same from their DILs and SNILs? My sis lives in a JF at her PILs place. Her PILs, specially her MIL is very adjusting. She will do everything to make my sis feel her place as her home. She will step down from various things when it comes to house matters, so that my SIL can take the lead. Her MIL will never criticize or condemn my sis whenever she makes mistakes with her decisions. Rather she will relate to such poor decisions with her newly married times, and allow my sister to learn from it. This way, they both have assisted each other a smooth transition in their house. This MIL too financially independent, and lives in a metro with all the facilities of retirement homes. But her choice and her happiness is to live with her children and grandchildren in a family setup, rather than living a lonely life. Perhaps, she is not yet reached her sanyas stage even at her late 60s. She is highly enjoying her life with worldly things just like all of us. So, she chose to allow her children to take the lead, and chose the back seat voluntarily. Besides, she has chosen to be helpful to her children even at her old age by being the supervisor to the nannies who takes care of her grand kids. My sis happily leaves her kids in the safe hands of her MIL, making her the primary care taker, though there are 2 nannies to take care of those 3 tiny kids. Her MIL gives her that sense of relieve while she is at work, and for that my sis pays millions of tributes to her MIL. Edited to add: My point is, we have seen enough of bad MILs and how they ruined the best part of their young children's and their spouses' marriage life. That's the reason behind our hatred for the JF system. Since we hate it, we believe our children will also hate the system; hence chose a safe side rather than depending on our children. But I am not sure how many of us chose this safe side happily. For me, at this age and time, living a life away from my family can be terrible. I will feel really bad and lonely to spend my last days with some unknown people than my family. The least I want in my ripe age is a family. I am wired this way, and I believe as social animals, many of us would be also wired somewhat similarly. Instead of fearing hatred from our children and their spouses, why can't we expect love from them. To expect love, we need to spread it. Love is a contagious disease, that spreads too quickly. To love, we must respect our youngsters, and accept them as who are they without showing any prejudice. While being financially independent and self sustainable for our future, (and obviously keeping a retirement plan in action), I still prefer a family enviroment
We really need such great persons to make the things better. May god give us that level of maturity at our old age.
Dear SGBV Madam, Thanks for the valuable input.Other siblings reside in the same building.My sister resides in the ground floor.Other son and daughter live in the first and second floor.With no keys with them at the most the siblings could tap at the door and they could hear the feeble voice through the locked door.The door is opened when the care taker daughter arrives from office at 7P. M.If any food to the liking of the mother is offered,the care taker simply throws them away on their face throughout the staircase and there is additional job of cleaning the floor. My sister does not come out openly that she is being ill treated, though it is the fact. Jayasala42
Spirituality is good . along with moderate spirituality , they can build their own hobbies like walking as a couple, having good friends in neighbourhood, if healthy they can go for tours as a couple. My summary is We can celebrate our old age when we become old with out depending on younger generation.
Yes to keep a person locked is an offence and also an abuse. I know of unmarried sister of 31 year old who had a sad ending as her dad kept her locked from outside (no keys with her). My heart cries for her even now. Elders and youngsters need freedom to live with out being locked.
