My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

Life is a cycle. Before era only boy's family dominated . Now few girls families are also dominating. I vote for equality between both set of parents. Couple should give equal importance to both side and have good relationship with all and also keep their lives private and live their life peacefully with out influence of any side into their personal lives. Siblings and parents of both can help them , guide them but couple has to decide for their life.

 

When the girl's parents conducted the entire wedding,it is not surprising that the guy wanted to gift the girl some expensive gift, especially when they can afford..

But I wonder if this could be the only reason for the friction between the guy and his parents,because he could have gifted the diamond set to his wife anytime even for his first anniversary perhaps..

Whatever the case maybe,I still feel it was silly of the boy to create this scene for whatever reasons he felt valid..I'm sure the OPs parents didn't trouble or torture the DIL..THey are anyway living separate in states and meeting once in a while.Th son should have atleast behaved reasonably if not shower them with love and comforts..

Again I reiterate,I wonder if this is the only issue..It is no wonder that OPs sister may not be revealing entire story especially the parts wherein their behaviour was gross towards the couple for reasons they felt justified.

 

We can call ourselves truly modern and independent when the boy and girl divide wedding expenses equally and without any help from parents. If one set of parents wishes to throw a lavish wedding the other one need not be obligated to match up. No one should be armtwisted to spend anything they don’t want to even if they can afford it.
The son here has no business telling his parents what they should gift when he cannot afford it himself. If he wants to deck his wife with diamonds he should foot the bill himself.

 

I think your sister should have at-least offered to share the wedding cost, and arrive at a figure of expenses acceptable to both. It's not enough that they did not demand, in modern times you share the cost. Both sides of parents seem pretty well off, and this gesture could have brought respect and admiration from the DIL. I really hope you meant 4l and not 4k because that just seems plain spiteful!

I feel your sister and her son were not close to begin with. Firstly he is willing to pay for the necklace, but he wanted to do that as a getsure because the girl's parents bore entire marriage cost alone including booking rooms for groom's family who just attended as entitled guests expecting royal treatment from the bride. If someone asked their parents to do something like that , most parents would readily do it because they have that much understanding and no ego issues and especially because the son WOULD PAY for it!! Your sister is very well off, still she was adamant against her son's wishes. Why??? It wouldn't even cost her anything. Maybe your sister is too self respecting to pass off son's bought gift as her own. Well such self respecting people should share the wedding cost too. Otherwise it looks obstinate and spiteful to deny the necklace than anything to do with self respect.
A mother should not have so much ego issues and obstinacy with her children, a small thing could have prevented the souring of relations. You have to show yourself as a united front to the bride's family. Your sister is responsible for the mess.
Bottom note, I'm not favouring gifting the necklace rather I'm for sharing the wedding cost and not feeling superior,

Also, during a marriage function it's not possible to give so much attention and time to all relatives, as there are too many guests and too many things going on. These detailed introductions can be done after marriage. Why judge the new bride?I'm pretty sure some incidents happened between brother and sister too. You are not getting the whole picture.

 

Op,you had written about your ordeal as a dil so I looked at some of the old threads.

There was a thread on 'ego of being the grooms family'.It was a nice thread.

I agree with @nakshatra1 's post.
The grooms side got a satisfied grand wedding where they did not spend a penny.
The son also wanted to give his wife a grand diamond set that would satisfy her family . He wanted to pay for the the necklace and the necklace would still remain in the family ,unlike the money spent on the wedding.He wanted it to be a grand family gift for the wife,just like the grand wedding his in laws gifted him and his family.

Yes ,he could have bought it for her later...but it would not be same.He wanted it to be given at the wedding .
Even the father of the bride could have had a simple wedding ( which is the way it should be) and later gifted to his daughter and son in law. But many in the grooms party would then not be satisfied.


But if the son is not behaving properly with parents because of this reason ,then I would say he was raised badly.

 

I fail to understand for what your sister is giving silent treatment. Has the DIL actually done something? What's wrong in being pampered by parents? Girls are not just born to become DILs/slaves... they are very much daughters too even after marriage. To think she won't think of your sister because she is qualified and pampered is not even a correct comparision. If the boys' family removes this prejudice much of this situation will be solved.

I agree. The DIL is now the son's immediate family, and life partner. Ignoring her and expecting that he would be cool with it- not possible. Now they both are one unit. Would it look good to OP's sister if the son comes to meet without his wife... or the son inviting OP to his house but his wife would ignore his mom over there. Better to realise that both are one, and you can't ignore his wife completely and still expect good relations with him.
Yes, I do feel the son should talk to his mother about whatever is bugging him, doing these kinds of things is just extreme reaction and reflects badly upon him. I find it unbelievable for him to react this way even if my guess about he reasons is true.Surely some things happened between them, mother and son, and between brother and sister.

 

May be the son knew about the grand wedding. Maybe he knew about how his family would enjoy the grand wedding without offering to share any cost . May be he wanted his family to look generous to the new dil specially while enjoying the grand wedding.

Children learn from parents. Maybe if he had heard some protests about the big spending ,or offer to share some spending ,Or may be a request for a simple wedding, he would have realized the right thing to do.Besides he offered to buy the gift .

When your child goes to a grand birthday party of your best friend and comes back with a return gift,the right thing to do is to buy the gift that the child is willing to save for and pay back .

You can't just take and not give.
You can't show your child that you are okay with other people spending money on you and then expect him to understand that you would like to spend less on others.

 

I wonder, how is the son (nephew) treated in his marriage life? He will wake up once the honeymoon phase is over.

 

The child here has grown into an adult and this is his own birthday party/wedding. His parents spending habits should not matter anymore because he is a independent educated employed adult . What is the point of growing up if one still has to ask his parents to contribute financially so he can keep up appearances . “ Offered” to buy the gift is very different from actually buying the gift. Do you think his parents can remind him to repay them for the necklace specially after he is married with his wife around? OP’s sister was right in gifting what she thought was appropriate . And why be stuck on diamonds , corals are equally beautiful
Before improving communications with the DIL OP’s sister needs to tackle communication problems with the son first. Once that is figured out reach out to the DIL. If she is still distant , accept it and move on.
And it’s probably not a good idea to have siblings staying in the same city , specially a brother and sister. SIL relationship dynamics can be very complicated as it is.