My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

I think it is important to realize that OP is not the MIL, and does not know the ins and outs of her sister's relationship with son and DIl in great detail. I know for a fact that my MIL does not share that type of information to her sisters, and neither does my own mother.
Money and gifts may seem like things that can sour the relationship, but it could very well be an off-hand comment or an unintentional slight. Even mentioning that DIL had an attitude during her wedding, would create distance in an In law relationship. Are those things that OP's sister can pinpoint and tell her sister about? probably not.
In OP's story, I don't think a bad DIL would be the reason for the distance. Something must have happened between the OP's sister and her son, or possibly the son and daughter.

 

I will be honest here. If my parents had money and if I know my partner would only appreciate my parents if they give expensive gifts I would do the same. Request them to give it and later on cover the expense. Sometimes we need to give and take to build the initial stages of relationship. If same request had come after few years then parents have every right to deny. Considering the cost of marriage in Bangalore like what OP is describing I'm assuming the parents would have spent a crore. If other side is asked to do 10% of that which I believe they could afford they could have done it. Looks like new generation problem.

 

Is the new generation really this materialistic? The son and DIL live in the US, and there is little need for expensive jewelry and clothes here. I can't imagine that the expensive gift would have made any difference. Why should the parents "project" a showy image of gracing the DIL with a really expensive gift? I understand that in India, there are things done for formality's sake, but how would that benefit an NRI?

 

Well the boy side literally walked into the marriage like guests. Isn't that materialistic to begin with ?
The incident happened in India. Lot of talks happen behind the scenes. Marriage is a huge expense then how can gifts alone be classified as materialistic? If my partner is materialistic and in other ways respect me then I will just ask my parents to do the needed to avoid friction.

 

IMHO, if this is the way i have to go about dealing with my son's family, i would consider them no more family but some strangers with whom i am communicating with. On the other hand we hear everywhere ' modern' parents of girls feel they are 'entitled' to have their full say in their child's life whether married or not and should be at liberty to visit / stay as they please. I know a lot can be read into this reply saying this is a typical MIL talking, but clearly if I have to be on guard in dealing with my own family , I would consider it a shame.

 

With due respect ma’am, we got to this situation after decades of exploitation and ill treatment of dils & her parents at the hand of the husband’s family. So, when finally after years of rebellion if things are starting to look better & equitable for daughter & her parents, we cannot suddenly bring in arguments of equality & justice for boy’s family now. The offenders that gave rise to the grief cannot switch sides to be protected under the remedy. Everyone had a chance, it wasn’t used wisely for sure; I see the tables turning now!

 

This is true only in few cases. As a person I vote for both set of parents having cordial relationship with a couple. Equality as well as peaceful coexistence between both set of parents is important. But ideal situation is not what happens everywhere. Either boy's parents or girl"s parents start their domination gradually. After a certain point problem starts between couple or parents etc .