My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

The promises to selves were made with full sincerity by you and your sisters. We all make such promises and resolutions. But when it comes to reality, we will not be able to recognize the small departures from our promises since we are still comparing ourselves with our previous generation and thinking we are so much better. We have a laundry list of do's and don'ts in our mind based on our experience with parents and in-laws. We follow that and give ourselves a pat on the back. While the cycle of gaps between generations continue.

"sister and family was very much satisfied" -- typical boy's side attitude being "satisfied" or not satisfied with the wedding arrangements. The "but the bride showed lot of attitude" -- is also typical boy's side complaint. Feeling that bride, her siblings, parents did not properly welcome or invite-to-eat-more guests from the boy's side is age old. The girl was getting married, had arrived just days before. Cut her some slack!

" but we thought probably this is how a young bride with lot of friends behave " -- so typical in-law comment. Feel 'hurt' and then assign such a reason. The kid was in the U.S.. Meeting friends and cousins after long maybe. It is her wedding day. Grandly arranged by parents. She was inattentive is noticed by in-laws. We all know in weddings, introductions go over the head. You gauge their age and touch their feet if needed, smile and fold hands and say the few words expected.

These little things show up in the interactions later too. These little dissatisfactions with what the girl does, how she does, what she wears, etc etc. even in the few days she spends with in-laws.

Son asked parents to gift her 10 lakhs diamond set that he will pay for, they gifted her a 4K coral set. I hope the 4K is a typo, and they gave a 4 lakh gift! They are well-to-do enough to buy own U.S. tickets, travelers checks and each personally carried 5000 dollars for U.S. trip! The grand wedding was voluntarily done by girl's side. The boy's side "did not demand" anything. They could have "volunteered" to pay for some wedding costs or "insisted" on at least paying for their own rooms.

IMO, they should have given the gift son wanted them to and let him pay for it. The grand wedding (which they were satisfied with) is not the time to stand to one's principles. Such give and take is needed in a wedding and after it too. I used to routinely buy gifts for my parents/sibling to give to to my in-laws. My husband and I routinely helped my in-laws pick gifts for my parents. I used to be given a wad of notes fresh from the bank by my FIL and told 'go get gifts for us to give your parents. you know what saree, what shirt/pant to buy' : ) If the boy wanted an expensive gift and he pays for it.. ideal would have been for parents to go along. The girl would want to tell and show people what her in-laws gifted. Of course, there is the risk that she will later say her husband paid for it...

Son wanted parents to gift his bride a 10 lakhs gift that he would later pay for. They declined. Parents wanted to book a Thomas Cook trip for him and his wife... He declined.

blessed, the thread has been eye-opening for people who will become in-laws in the next few years. I've come to realize we can decide to be non-interfering and etc, but, we will slip many times. : ) For another example, what is "still pampered by her parents" got to do with anything? After marriage, parents should stop pampering a girl?

I have learnt a lot from thread -- I cannot simply land at my child's house and expect to be hosted, even for a week. If visiting their city or town, I have to check whether they have time in the weekend to meet with me. More along those lines -- step back in many ways from child's life once they are adults, working, married ... One small example -- do not hog their birthday. Let their spouse be the first to wish them. The more I think, the more I realize I will need lot of reminding (mostly from DH, he is good at this) to step back. blessed, thank you for the thread and for being so welcoming of all responses.

 

Not coughing up an expensive gift against one's wishes or principles would be the 'right' thing to do. Standing up to principles comes at a cost. Sometimes the cost is some alienation. Unfortunate.

I dare say with more details coming to the fore from OP, it is becoming clearer that a strained parent-child relationship was to blame rather than an uncooperative spouse.

For the record, if my parents threw a grand wedding and my in-laws gifted me a 4K set.. I'd not be jumping in joy at the thought of hosting them in the U.S. (even if they finance their trip). One can say it is the love and thought and blessings that count, but if indeed the gift was worth 4K, I am really shocked.

Gotta go. Mulberry bush calls. : )

 

@blessed -
Your sister has to talk to her son. She needs to hear the full story from the son. Ask her to not trust the DD blindly. We don't know what happened there. Who knows the full story.
From experience, parents don't stop pampering. Even now my sarees and blouses are bought and stitched. Matching jewelry is arranged. My Dad is at the airport with flask of well water from home when I travel alone. Mom is making all of my favorite food. I've been married for two decades. The pampering won't cease in some families. It continues. My parents want to do more, they would love to spend on me. My DH doesn't allow it. In all these years, my mom told my DH during our last trip that she has a right to spend on me and he cannot forbid it. Even now my parents assert their rights over me.
Parents will come first for the DIL. My MIL understood the kind of upbringing and family I came from right at the begining. She made the first steps to connect with me. She would make sure that she spoke to me more during those weekend 20 mins calls. She always told my DH you are my own son and can understand me, let me talk to her. Every vacation, she would go out of her way to make me comfortable. When kids came along, she has come and helped. Only because she continues to be the bigger person, I continue to be the connected DIL. Even then, my parents come first. She knows that. She always says that's how it's supposed to me. What you have told your sister, to call her DIL and to start some form of communication is sound advice. In this day and age when whatsapp and other services are availalbe, sending her a text once in a while and having a conversation with her doesn't sound so intense.

Regarding "attitude" - parents do raise daughters also as equals these days. What you feel was attitude maybe what she thinks as independence. It's generation gap. Such things happen in all weddings, best to let it go and not let it ruin relationship with son.

Btw, I don't think the diamond set was needed. She can give the DIL whatever she feels like. DIL's parents sponsoring a lavish wedding is their wish. Coral set is what she could give and she gave it.
Not enough people raise their sons to be who they are, they have to give diamond sets too? That's ridiculous.