Disgusting Married Life

@chocolate ! I highly honour your suggestions always . You rock !

 

OP. i do not want to sound insensitive. but you have got excellent inputs from all the people here. venting is 1 thing, but unless you plan a proper exit. it will not be a safe transition.

please plan well

 

OP,

Use this chance to open a new bank account, your own credit card and ask your HR to send all your salary to your own account which your husband have no access to. It will send him a strong message that you are serious. If you need to contribute you can contribute money monthly to your common account where both of you have access . Even if he make a hell for you, dont give in (take a stand that if you can earn you can manage your own money, you are an adult) . Next time if some thing happens, (I wish, not ) you will at least have some money of your own to spend. As he is abusive, please explore all the options you have there, in case of emergency.

Dont give the impression that you are going to give him another chance. Give the impression that you will walk away if he abuse you again. Just behave normal. Do your job and ignore your MIL. If everything come back to track then you can decide what to do. But now take a firm stand and give a bold face. Completely ignore him till he come to you. Enjoy your time with your kids and form team 3. Let him decide whether he want to be a part of it. Be safe and take care

"he never accepts he is abusing .." I think he will learn only when he get it back. He may be from a home where abuse is normal. May be his father is also like this. Otherwise normal educated person should be aware of it.

Next time if he do just say what is the point in having education without culture? you are teaching your kids to talk bad words.. be a good role model to kids. be nice.. etc..If abuse you verbally -Ask him " if his future son -in-laws talk this way to his beloved daughters , will it be OK. " [ ask only when he is calm]


"may be he will never change .." - dont say like that. Dont accept abuse again. If so, you are teaching your kids that getting abuse from husband is normal. It is not normal OP. Your kids will be affected more than you imagine. Try to avoid conflicts/fights/arguments in front of kids.

NO ONE can change your husband unless decides to do so. He dont have any anger issues in his office or outside, it is only to you. He is taking you for granted that you will be with him for ever tolerating this. That is what you have to change. Also never talk bad of your husband to kids. It is better not to talk about any issues to them as they are not mature enough to understand. But your kids are witnessing abuse. They panic and may think that their father is misbehaving to their mother. The agony in their mind will be too much

 

Please never ever give the impression to your child that you are separating your child from his her father. divorce is and will always be between the adults. irrespective of where you stay, i believe the children should have equal access to parents and not defined by the law.

next anger. I used to believe that men are angry but last 6 months of watching neighbor changed my perception. when you said he has anger issues, what makes you feel that. Did he come home from work and saw food was not ready and then started yelling. Women are also very emotional and use strong emotional words which men cannot handle and when they cannot express they feel angry. i saw that in my DH case.

Last it is your decision to separate or not. Please decide well . Children are emotionally immature . they feel that they will be alone.

last , no Anger management classes will help unless a person realizes that if he or she does not do that , it will be real loss. Have you ever noticed, that no matter how angry you are, if a COP stops your or DH for some questioning , you will control your emotional state, irrespective of what you feel inside. WHY, because you could be shot dead or arrested. If your DH has anger issues, he will never change even if he goes for 1000 classes unless he feels he will loose something significant unless he changes.

 

OP, Your kid shud not to be deciding your future course of action. He may be a good father in some ways. But abusing your in front of your kids doesn't make him a good father. Good that you are on H1. He cant touch you immigration wise .

If your MIL was such a big influence on BIL;s marriage , don't you think she will do the same damage here. Moreover have you thought about will she let your husband reform even after anything like him abusing and apologizing.Chances are definitely not good. Once a bad influence always a bad influence. Moreover your husband is a grown man, how can his mother influence his actions. He is using crutch of your MIL and BIL for his abuse. He wont change.And even if he does, chances are your MIL will pull him into same web as before.

Let me elaborate on my case for instance. My IL;s and BIL-SIL live in India. My FIL was abusive to MIL and BIL to my co sis. My SIL is the queen of the house here in IL;s. Nothing is decided until she is consulted. The irony was my husband saw me and agreed in her absence.How, I don't have any idea. She saw me on my engagement. Anyway we came here to US and in 3 months hubby lost his job. After that visa issues , any problem which u didn't think wud come came and he landed a job after a long time. I was on h4 then . Long story short, hubby abused me the same night he got the job. I was still new and didn't have any legal knowledge. After a few times, I called 911 and rest is history. Anyway my IL:s tried all ways to get my hubby back to India so he continues his abuse like before. Their reason I provoked him . Nothing they tried worked becoz we were alone here. They did try to influence on phone or email to continue. But I told my husband if he does ,he will pack his bags.I am mentioning this becoz hubby's can change if they 1 on 1 with us. But if IL:s visit they pull them back into same circle of darkness.

You need to make an exit strategy. Your husband was caught off guard when your daughter talked like that. Hence the buttering of donuts and sweets so she doesn't press on it. Next time your daughter talks like that to you tell her she shudnt talk such things and its b//n you and hubby. Stop her immediately. Make an exit strategy . Look for shelters near your house. Call up the courthouse. Ask the court clerk what shud you do. Keep your phone handy at all times. Next he abuses call immediately. Lock yourself in the room with your daughters and stay there until the cops come. If you can , walk out of the house with kids and call from there. Once arrested , husband can be in next court date and then he can come back home. Ask the court that he stays out and completes anger management classes. Decide your future course of action.

If you don't have any support in India, I will advice you don't go. Chances are you will have a tough time if you go there.You don't want to the hot topic of the century for relatives and friends. Besides your husband can file a case of kidnapping on you. When in court mention your husband all your salary and he has to give it to you . You will need a cushion when he is not there and besides its your money.

Do post here for help. Good Luck.

 

I am sorry for ur situation OP but I don’t understand how a person can continue living with an animal like ur husband? According to me a man who raises his hand on a woman cannot be considered a man.

I may or may not be wrong but from ur post I felt that ur still hanging on to him thinking living with him is a status symbol as he has money and u said ur daughters can live in a own home here in the US and he has gold etc etc but please understand that more than all this ur kids need a good surrounding to live in. They are right now living in an abusive environment. This is going to affect their mental health. They will grow up to think that domestic violence and a man hitting a wife is all common just like how ur husband thinks. Please don’t use ur daughters words to continue living with ur husband. Please. Ur daughter isn’t supposed to talk about it. It is between u n ur husband. Please don’t even pull kids into this mess.

 

I know from an outsider who is not in a situation like this, it is very easy to say leave your husband and walk out. But I do want to point out what you have written about your child. Your husband may be the best dad out there, but if a young child has to shoulder the responsibility of keeping the peace intact at home, I don't think any amount of love given to the child individually will matter in any way. She has seen the abuse and she knows what her dad is capable of, I cannot imagine the stress the child must be going through to see and live with this day in and day out. Do you really think this is a healthy environment for the child to grow up in, seeing her mother being physically abused and threatened?

Separation from your husband may cause temporary scars for your daughter, but living and putting up with abuse like this will cause permanent psychological damage, OP. You have a job and your immigration status is not dependent upon your husband, that is a huge advantage you have compared to so many other women who have to bear this abuse. Also, do you have friends, do they know the kind of person your husband is? If not, expose him... if he's putting up this very good face in front of other people, expose him for the kind of person he is. And as many others have said, start saving your salary in a separate account. He is a bully and who is he kidding..... he will make your life hell if you call the police? Has your child seen him hit you... do you know if she has talked to anyone at her school about it? 5 yr old is too young to be handling and trying to resolve parents' issues, OP.

And one last thing, it is good that you want to try for the sake of your daughter and all that. But please remember, at the end of the day, you have 1 life and no one, absolutely no one is going to give you any reward for being this epitome of sacrifice, including your child. If anything, as she grows up and goes to school and starts interacting with other children, she will see them, look at their functional families and only resent you both for failing to give her that stability.

I am saying this because I have 2 daughters also and my husband and I don't even have any major issues like you, but even when we are going through minor arguments and disagreements during the course of normal life, it affects them, as I see. When we are in one of those moods, my daughter will want to either just stay in her room, buried in a book or keep asking one of us to call her friends to see if she can go to their house for a play date. So we now consciously try not to express our disagreements in a way that the children can see it.