Problems In Married

Hi dear,

I can kind of relate the same to my marriage. My husband was so very weird during our initial years of marriage. He wouldn't talk, come home late, only watch TV while at home, go out for playing during weekends, basically ignored me as much as possible. Same as you I left my job, married him and came overseas to live with him. I always have known that early days or months of marriage are more cheerful, but it was very hard time for me. When I would ask him to show care and affection by at least spending time with me, he would say I can't do artificial things. Even today after several years of marriage he would argue the same and asks me back if that is the only way to show affection. He claims he has love and affection on me but doesn't express it. Days, months and years passed. Our relationship got little better but I wouldn't say I was very satisfied with him, then we had kids. It got worse and not getting any better. Guys like these get very much influenced by their parents. He is such a mummy's boy. Several incidents of fighting, arguments and ignorance has made this relationship very weak now. I am now regretting for having children which is the only reason I am still putting up with him with so much pain. Only for my children.
Have a job, stay independent always and think twice thrice before deciding to have a family.

 

Seriously I feel like laughing reading about your MIL.
Your MIL is a drama queen. she just need attention from you all. Please pick your struggles and find solution.
You can discuss this loosing hair thing to BIL family if you have good relationship with them. And they can make your husband understand on how to handle the situation. No husband will support wife's allegations against their parents. Only your BIL being his own can interfere.
And for you, I suggest to stop stressing too much on she having evil eye or evil intention or spirit. In your situation anyone will get this feeling but no point in thinking as it would make your situation worse only and lead you to more negative side than resolving.
Of course you don't have to worry about she being bad mouthing about your family as her entire clan knows a about her. Rather you create warm relationship with his relatives.
If she talks nice in front of your husband then be nice to her. Give back crisply when she talks bad of your family behind your husband. She is trying to create rift between you both. And you are doing exactly what she wants. thats is carrying your fights to husband and then giving her chance to cry and create drama.
Don't be a audience to her drama as none is against you. With your BIL intervention your husband should be fine.

 

@Longlost
You don't live with her. Don't let her live in your head.Think of the poor bil and his wife who have to deal with her everyday.

Your problem is your husband's attitude.
This incidence that you mentioned seemed to have hurt your feelings for him . You will continue to stay resentful if you do not sort it out.
Tell him you want to talk to him when you are both in a good and calm mood.

Tell him how much you are hurt by his actions that day. Tell him how his changed behavior when he is near his mother makes you vary of visiting her . His bad behavior with you makes you feel hurt. Let him know that if such incidence happens again,you will not visit mil again . Since he changes and hurts you,it is best for all that you do not visit her with him. He can go alone.

Rest...ignore her.
You know how she feels about your family....avoid having your family around her. Her insulting your mom is a valid excuse. Why should you put your mom in a position where she can be insulted..

 

@omnam,
You are actually right. Under ordinary circumstances, my DH & MIL have hardly 15 words in a day as they have nothing in common. But whenever there is a confrontation, she gets to cry and create her sob stories and get sympathy points. Truth is she has no real problem in life! She has her late husband's house next to BIL's house, and 2 Central Govt pensions along with regular contributions and gifts from her 2 sons for her own expenses only.

I am introvert and reserved by nature and it is extremely difficult for me to reply back to an old lady. So it was hurting me even more. Thank you so much for your advice!

 

@yellowmango,

Thank you! You put forward a very valid point. I will follow that. Actually, till now MIL used to always badmouth about BIL & SIL to DH over phone. And DH being away from India, believes everything she said. He thinks why would his mother lie about her own elder son! To be honest, even I fell for that lie at times.

She has successfully created a rift between her 2 sons so that there is not much direct communication between them since last 5 years. Also, BIL is 10 years older to DH. So there was never really a close friendly bond, rather more of respect. But, this time I ensured we spend some time with BIL & SIL and that angered MIL even more! I can actually feel my SIL 's pain. She was very thin and lost even more weight while MIL has only gained weight in last 5 years.
I myself have lost 3 kilos in 3 weeks of stay with her!

Out of all the sadness, one good thing that has happened is that DH is finally buying a small flat close to BIL in his hometown in our joint names. Though goes without saying MIL is very upset about the joint name part as she thinks I am free riding. I am currently out of job you see. DH will have to take a huge loan, but at least next time when I visit India, my parents will be in my home

 

@op sorry for deployed response. Gone through your post .. how old you are ..? And how old is your husband .. looks like it's typical arranged marriage .. how is ur hubby used to be after engagement do you guys used to speak ..? Any how coming to his behavior not expressing love explicitly is ok most of the men don't do it but not treating you like wife n complaining about looks is not acceptable.. he is not a blind person he saw you choose you then got married then why complaint now ..? Looks like he forced for this marriage then it's not your problem ..

If he continues like this escalate it to your in laws sine you already told your parents ..

I feel like your husband is comparing his life with either his friends n colleagues who's wife's work .. so they usually get joulous n start showing that anger on wife's ..I faced it ..

Try to find the job If you are on H4 it takes time your husband should know those details n it's not your fault .. do u have any friends or relatives around to hangout.. do u drive then u can go to library or can join even community college I dint know the rules for H4 .. or take online course .. go to gym keep yourself healthy try to look good wear makeup try diff hair style cook your favorite food do what ever you like .. all I mean is to keep yourself busy ..

Getting job is not in your hands now but you keep yourself updated .. don't look depressive try to be active I know it's hard when you are living with hubby he is not treating you good ..

Give this marriage sometime don't plan for kids .. if you don't have confidence that you will live with him no kids period . Wait for a year do what ever you can to please him ask him what he wants from you and what you can do better get the asnswer from him .. let him expires how he wants to see you if you like his opinions change a little bit .. don't compare your life with fellow people who acts outside like lovely couple we don't know what they go through .. so be positive ..you can definitely change him but before that you have to change yourself ..

 

i am married for last 2 years. in the starting months of marriage my husband use to hit me over small issues, after that he apologize for that. one day i called police and he pretended that i make mountain of a mole hill, i convert minor issues into major. due to this i took my necessary stuff to another room and stayed in seperate room for 2 months. he used to said” you are not smart enough, dump keep your eyes and mind open. you are worthless. you can go to your mom in india. as my husband and his family living in Italy. his parents always support me thats y i am still ataying with him.yesterday was our 2 anniversary but we didnt do anything spcl. he went out in the morning and catvayme back in evening and then after having dinner we slept.even our first anniversary spent like this. i dont love him. i dont have any attachment.even he makes love like he only wants to discharge even i dont want to make love with him. he want to make baby i dont want. he is so controlling and egoist. he never listen to my point always take it wrong way. he becomes aggresive over small things. i never give me pocket money.i stop replying iver his useless arguments. please suggest me. what should i do. how can i make him realise of his mistakes,he never admits. how should i react over his pointless arguments.