Stay Out Of It Or Look More Into It?

Why not trust the judgement of 40 yr old who has experienced an abusive marriage and is also a responsible mother to a special needs child ? Sometimes marriages don’t work out even with all the background checks in place. Unless this friend is a jobless bum and plans to hitch his wagon with your sister for financial reasons I would not say anything. Your support and approval of her decisions would probably mean a lot to her at this point in her life. Even if you plan to ask her questions be very positive about it.
I would not judge him for wanting to break off his relationship with his family to marry her. I know of really traditional parents that are a major impediment to their son’s progress and happiness .

 

Just a thought. If he is very religious he may be acting out of what he feels is a duty to save your sister from a bad situation, in addition to romance. And if your sister is financially well off I would make sure that your future BIL is already on an equal monetary footing with her. And make sure she holds on to everything in her name at least in the beginning. Good luck to your sister, I hope she finds happiness this time.

 

In that case I would doubly make sure that her interests and those of your nephew are solidly protected.

 

For everything that your sister has gone through, and knowing fully her lifetime responsibilities, I don’t feel she would take a wrong decision for herself and her child. Maybe you should trust her on this. As for healing, to each his own, there’s no standard laid down for it.
But there’s one thing you should ask your sister- has the child met the gentleman? Have they spent time? Was the child comfortable with him and vice versa. Is the gentleman supporting her and taking interest in the child’s wellbeing and day to day stuff?Considering his challenges and shy personality, she has to make it easier for him to get used to living with another person under the same roof.

Also, something that doesn’t add up, though not a big deal is his family wouldn’t accept but his sister is in touch with yours whereas you and parents have not been involved as yet though you are and will be supporting her as always. Doesn’t make sense and can understand why you are so worried.

Wishing things fall in place soon for all of you, especially the child.

 

Dear @Rakhii . I would be concerned too. Ur sis is trying to get out of an abusive marriage while single parenting a special needs kid. Not exactly an ideal time to get into a serious relationship

This here is worrisome. Imbalanced on many fronts. The road will not be easy .
That said...I am not so sure if u should dig any deeper. He is her only ray of happiness right now and she will hold on to it for her life. Deep down she is aware of the inconsistencies and is probably also sensing ur wariness...which is why she is guarding the whole thing fiercely. Anything u say against her relationship will only alienate u...u need to be there for her just in case. Its best to keep the channels of communication open .

 

@Rakhii, I understand that you live in Canada. Is your sister also a Canadian citizen?
What about her boy friend's citizenship status? Also, how he is doing financially?
I understand that your sister is already in her 40s, with a child. But your thread says, this is gonna be the first marriage for her would be's. If so, is there any reasons behind his late marriage (assuming he is in his 40s too).

Obviously, I would also be worrying should this happen to someone I care for. So, you and your feelings towards the whole thing is perfectly understandable.

First of all, it is natural to fall for a companionship/spousal love at this age, specially if that is denied or never offered to your sister. She obviously needs someone for her. Having a special kid doesn't make her a robot. She is a human being with all the feelings for love, sex, and care.
So, understandably, this man's friendship can be soothing her. That is not a problem.
The problem comes with her decision to marry this person. Marriage is far different from love and companionship. That too committing into a serious relationship with a special kid in the family needs to be very well analyzed.
You just can't trust your instinct all the time.

Not all the men are cold hearted. Not all the men who offer to marry older women/divorced women/women with a heavy baggage are bad.
I too was very skeptical about them, and always thought such men marry older/divorcee women with kids for money or whatever the benefits they can get in this relationship. Because we read and see a hell lot of such stories on a daily basis.
Men cheat emotionally vulnerable women for sex, money, luxurious life etc.... and ditch them at last.
Many such women end up having an additional baggage to carry (another kid) for the rest of their life.

But not all these men are bad. We just can't generalize here.
At least, I have changed my mind after witnessing the blessed life of 4 of my friends in the recent past.
A friend had a child with her BF before her marriage. Her BF ditched her and vanished into the thin air. She single handedly raised her child for 10 years. For whatever the reasons her character got damaged by the society, yet a friend of her opted to marry her wholeheartedly.
He waited for her green signal for nearly 3-4 years, and convinced his side of the orthodox folks in another couple of years.
Now they are happily married with another cute little child. Even her older child believes, this is his dad.

The other 3 friends were just divorcees, and their divorce happened within a couple of years after their marriage. They all got re-married, and all had love marriage only.
Now all of them live happily and peacefully with kids.

Their men never ever show that they gave "life" to these divorcees. But looks like they are normal couple, and they "found" something special in them; hence fell for them.

If I were your sister, I would tread this matter carefully.
I would continue this relationship without any commitments for now. Besides, I will secure my special need son's future with all the financial, and material stuff without any compromises.
So, basically I would have only my present salary (that too a certain % would be secured for my son) with me.
If my would be still like me as who I am, then I would consider marrying him. But again, I won't opt for a kid with this marriage - So, my would be has to accept this.
Else, this can continue to be a simple friendship.