Problems In Married

OP, I can understand your pain and anger. Believe me it won't help and worsen the issues. From what you have mentioned here, the sexual issues are medically fixable. When you are in love it improves. Please don't bring a kid now.

Can you try atleast for one week a silent way. When he starts you know it is going to argument, control your urge, get up , give a blank look and walk to another room or goto bathroom or cry if you like... But just give an impression you are fed up not interested to argue by this action. Do it everytime he goes verbal. If he comes to you , then tell, you talk only when he talks to you with respect. Be persistent.

Ignoring is a very powerful weapon. Also show there is an effect, don't do any chores for him if he mistreats you . Respond only if needed. Action speaks better than arguments.

Anger is weakness.

 

Divorce this guy. Why torture yourself

 

Dear OP , Firstly stop getting affected by his words . Stop giving him so much importance and getting hurt . In our country there are very rare men who actually love their wives . Some men force wife to go to work ; some men don't allow / support wife even if she wants to work . While I will still sugeest you to keep trying for job but don't think that's the issue . Main issue is with him and just because you get a good job he will not start loving you . He is controlling person. But do try to get a job to forget him and build your own life and circle . Just give enough to cover half of household expenses and keep rest in your name . Till you find job try to be happy. It may take months it may take years . As a wife you have every right to be provided for the basics by hsband . Don't waste Ur life regretting about job quitting all the time .

 

As I'm unable to start a new thread and post my problem I'm posting here. Apologies for this.
I'm married for 5 years and blessed with a child and now carrying second. From the beginning of marriage I have noticed that my husband watches **** in the internet in the late nights. I have spoken to him many times on this. He doesn't seem to respond properly. In the early marriage times he used to say sorry I will not do from next time but still continues to. But lately he said that it's something out of his control and his emotions should be relieved by watching. When I asked why can't he come to bed early and avoid watching instead build intimacy with his wife which is expected in any marriage. He says that I'm not good in satisfying his fancy needs which he thinks is alright to fancy things seen from such videos and expect from wife. I tried explaining that they do it for money and nothing is real in such videos. But he sticks on to his point saying that he will be satisfied and will be intimate only when I satisfy according to his wishes. Else he indirectly stays away from me and watches **** almost everyday and satisfies himself. I have caught him doing such acts. He simply says his emotions are out of his control.
Added to this he is such a mommas boy and I have had loads of fights and arguments and his parents don't like me and neither do I. That's a different topic altogether.
Now that I'm carrying and my hormones are playing, I'm having sleepless nights thinking why is he watching **** and every now and then I go out of the room to check on him if he is into such acts watching ****.
I'm completely down, not sure what to do. Please help me out.
He will never agree to visit any doctor regarding this so please don't give such suggestions. And I can't complain to his parents as they are manipulative and once again bring in fights from their end too.

 

P0rn is a serious public health crisis. It is destroying intimacy that truly bonds a man and woman together.

Sex and intimacy was meant for bonding physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Few random thoughts may help you.

1. Most women in these videos are coerced into doing this one way or another. Lot of them start out as prostututes. No one wanted to be prostitute.

2. Dopamine. A even if your Husband doesn't care about women, certainly he must care about himself. People who view p0rn are desensitizing their dopamine receptors. Your husband is chemically castrating himself because he cannot get aroused by flesh-and-blood woman. Eventually your husband will get tired one one p0rn video and search fir another. Ask your husband if he enjoys living life as a eunuch.

3. American Medical Association thinks p0rn is ok. Thus is quite sad, so even if you visit Doctor they cannot help.

4. If you are carrying boy ask Husband at what age son can watch p0rn with father. If you are carrying girl ask Husband at what age she can enter p0rn industry. After all, men pay more attention to p0rn stars than their wives.

5. Browse forums of nofap.com.

 

sad. I feel this is also emotional abuse. Please ignore him and take care of your children. If you have come across so far knowing about this, there is no point in thinking of he changing. At least he is not compelling you to satisfy his fancies. That's even painful.

In-short, don't expect any love and respect from him, ignore his presence, you will be at peace in this house.

 

you seems to have married my ex. Wants a modern girl (making money and independent) but behave like country husband who cant handle wife's attitude or even stand her view point. I used to be strict to him and that had worked. Stand straight, no cry, no drama ...start being independent from here. This marriage is important for both of you. Don't bother of his divorce threat. Just say he can do whatever he wants not your business. Your mental state is quite sensitive. Don't get into it. Its chakreview. Just accept him as it is and concentrate on job search.

 

I am unable to start a thread. The post is long and hence posting here in 2 parts. I really need to pen my thoughts, else I will go mad. I do not want to depress my old parents. But I really need some honest advice!

PART 1 :

Ours was a love marriage. DH married me against MIL's wish around 5 years back. I gave up a coveted job so that I can be with him and he also has been making sacrifices everyday for me.

But everything changes whenever MIL is present, be it at our rented home abroad or be it at MIL's place in India. She always talks to me and my mother normally in front of DH. But whenever he is away, she doesn't leave a chance to slyly insult me and my parents. She badmouths about me and my family in front of DH's relatives in their native language. If I complain to DH and he confronts her, MIL starts crying and making up sob stories about her imaginary illnesses. Also, all of a sudden she starts crying taking name of my late FIL whom she hated and tormented when he was alive 20 years ago! She has her own house very near to BIL's place. But, she insists on staying and sleeping next to BIL's room as she fears my FIL's ghost will haunt her! MIL is a widow who continued wearing their community mangalsutra/ neckalce, bright saris and red bindi even after FIL's death. I don't judge her for her fashion choices but I found her to be hypocrite.

Whenever there would be a happy occasion at mine or my BIL's place, she would start crying for no reason at all and would make a very depressed face. This is not new. I remember, she started sobbing the moment our own marriage got over! My husband told me thats out of happiness! He just cant see the TRUTH!

 

PART 2:
But things have got worse now. She is acting very weird, especially in temples. My MIL & DH both has strong Mangal. My FIL also had a sudden and untimely death, around 2 decades ago. So, whenever I wanted to perform someTemple Puja for me and husband's health she always tries to stop that by lying that their family Pandit said muhurat is inauspicious or some other pretext. While, when my husband called, the Pandit agreed immediately! Whenever we were at any temple during our India visit she would make a very angry unnatural face. As if something possesses her.

My elder BIL & SIL in whose whom she stays has stopped taking her to their spiritual trips, since few years. Even my MIL's own sister had made allegations against my MIL previously that she has evil intentions.

Not only is MIL quarrelsome and compulsive liar; whenever she is around, everything keeps falling apart. My job, health everything is at its worst. Even DH's job & health is bad. In our 5 years of marriage I hardly had 10 fights with my husband, and 8 of them were MIL related. My otherwise intelligent DH wouldn't just understand when its matter related to MIL. Especially when he is under her roof. The recent one was the worst.

We were in his hometown for work and stayed at MIL's place. My mother came to visit me and MIL insulted her and there was a huge drama spanning all night. I stopped eating at her place for the next 36 hours using some excuse. Even my husband was ok with that. On 4th day, we spent the whole day outside for some work. The work got done and in the auto my husband told me how blessed he felt because I was in his life. We decided that we will order in Veg Biryani to celebrate the day's hardwork. Then we got down from the auto and stepped into MIL's home. MIL gave hubby some fried bhaji. And I told him lets order my veg dinner, I havent eaten all day. But he just flipped! He was adamant that I have to eat MIL's non-veg food only. After all the insults I suffered just 36 hours back, it was impossible for me to drink or eat anything at her place. We were just 24 hours away from our flight out. But hubby wouldnt just listen! As if his reasoning had stopped. It was our worst fight! I felt like leaving the man then and there! Everything felt meaningless!

It might sound paranoid. But truth is I am scared to be alone with MIL nowadays. Even my mother who is extremely spiritual felt the same. One night Mom got up at midnight and found MIL staring at the mirror in the darkness with her hair all open. After that day, I did not let my mother sleep with MIL alone.

I do not believe in these things, but at the same time I cannot ignore what is happening around me. I love DH but I cannot live with such weird things happening around me. I have lost all confidence and strength to continue with this marriage. Please advice!

 

@Happygirl6

I don't know why there are so many Indian men like your husband - from the domination, "encouraging" you to work, the insults about your looks, etc. Afterall, you have just gotten married and moved to a new place, so you would already be feeling homesick and depressed, even if things were going well. Like previous posters, please Do Not have a child, at this point in your life.

My advice to you, is don't depend on your husband. Develop yourself, either by attending courses or starting a job, but build your individuality. The sad thing is, your husband already feels inferior, before you even have a job, so I don't foresee that this feeling would change once you get one, but it will get you out of that apartment and the cage of negativity that you have at home. You need to meet people and you need your own network of friends. Please reach out to your close friends, to help you remember the sunny, wonderful person you used to be.

With the failures in my own marriage, I have realized that parents are terrible at giving advice to their children. My parents have repeatedly recommended that I be "patient", "adjusting", even "give up" some of my interests, to please my husband. My husband's parents recommended that we AVOID hot button topics, to prevent crazy fights. Sadly, none of that advice worked. There is no way that a man (who is dominant, possibly depressive, and has an inferiority complex) is going to fall in love with his wife, because she fulfilled his every need. In fact, he will never be happy. I think your parents are unfair to you by saying another girl in your place would be able to handle your husband. If that is the case, it should be that girl who should be married to this man, not you.

A dominant person, will only enjoy controlling a submissive person. Do not be submissive. Instead, pick your battles. Chose which ones are worth fighting for, and let the others slide, just so that you have the peace of mind. Do not be emotional. For awhile, don't look at him as someone whose opinions matter. When my husband was particularily awful, I broke down many, many times. I realized that when I gave his words little value and recognized that he really doesn't know anything about me - I was not hurt by his words anymore. The things that did ring true, I worked hard to not let them be my weaknesses. When your husband is insulting your looks or style - he's trying to keep you down, because if you had the confidence, his threats of divorce would not affect you. My husband also threatened divorce (or really just kicking me out of the house in the middle of the night). If he does it again, leave. Tell him that you will happily leave, because if he doesn't want to make this marriage work, then neither do you. Remind him that he is the one who is breaking the marriage and going against the promises made during the wedding, not you.

If he comes to the point of trying to broker a peace, tell him that he needs to make sure that the home environment is comfortable for the both of you and that you want a partnership in marriage. If he is repeatedly having trouble understanding this concept, I would advise that you go to counseling. If counseling is on the table, look for an Indian counselor, to help both of you. If he is not interested in counseling, you should at least go. But the fact that he doesn't want to work on things to make his marriage work, means you can start looking for ways to leave this marriage before it becomes hell for both of you.