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Getting Irritated By Few Remarks Of My Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Jan 15, 2018.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Of late, my MIL makes certain remarks that just piss me off..
    1. She keeps saying that ladies only should do all the household work and should not take help from gents.
    -(I gave sharp replies that those days women didn't go for work, and since women are career minded these days and are conscious about equality with men they need help and nothing wrong with it..
    She still does bring it up now and then...)
    2. She said during their time, they dint have maid and would handle household work and looking after kids all on their own..but these days girls want to spend money on maid , cook etc and still require help from parents or inlaws for looking after kids.
    -(I believe in keeping a maid as I don't want to be burdened with all house chores.)
    3. In their time, they would serve food to their inlaws on their plate and never would make them do any work..they were do obedient to their in laws and never back answered..but now a days in joint family even the in laws are doing work..and DILs are so frank and outspoken not giving respect etc..
    ( what's wrong in doing a little work and being active as long as health permits? some exercise and physical activity is needed to be healthy)
    4. She has excessive praise for one of her niece who does all cooking and manages household work also so well etc..but the fact is that she has a full time maid cum nanny who is heavily paid to do household chores and babysit as well..what's the big deal about managing if she is earning well enough to afford help?
    5. Whenever any friends or relatives visit, their main topic of discussion will be as to how weak and sick they are and how many health problems they have, how much work and responsibilities they have etc..any one says how weak and unhealthy my MIL looks, she immediately gets flattered and gets into a big list of her problems..she will discuss with anyone irrespective of whether they are interested in listening to her or not.. If my In laws would follow exercise and food restriction given by physician half the problems wouldn't happen..that's a fact. I'm not making fun of old age..I know what health issues are prevalent today..I know so many senior citizens with bigger health issues who are maintaining themselves so well by doing exercises and strict diet and are far more active and far more independent in their daily routine..
    6. Always openly praying that they are able to die without suffering too much like so and so relative who was bed ridden etc..such remarks just are plain depressing to my DH..and pretty much spoils any chance that he would be cheerful or spend any affectionate moment with me..
    7. Two of her relatives are looking after grandkids, I.e their DILs go for work and they employed full maid and nanny who would run behind the child, and do basic house chores etc..their duty being to supervise the domestic helps and general running of house till DILs get back from work..they are comfortable with arrangement as there is no physical strain involved and they still get to be close to grand kids..MIL keeps saying how girls these days are taking advantage of elders to look after kids and not understanding problems of elders etc..I was thinking, if they don't have a problem why should she?

    These kind of remarks do come from her now and then and really causing me lots of irritation..
    because I have problems of my own to consider and I don't like her attitude..
    I don't have patience these days for old generation ideas.
    How do I deal directly ?
    Apart from ignoring certain things..
     
    zeppelingirl and Desiindian like this.
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Accept that you cannot change her, you can only change your own reaction to her. There is no need to get into lengthy debates. You are not going to change her mind and she may be trying to see if she can annoy you. If she starts on her good-old-days stories just let her talk, nod your head and agree that things were better and then continue to do what you are doing.
    As for their health, again not much you can do. I have seen this attitude from my own grandmother and how upsetting it would be to my parents who were trying to do their best for her. It later backfired when everyone got tired of her and started ignoring the daily dramas.
     
  3. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Oldies are hard to adjust with. They are too strict of their thought process looks everything new as bad and do not like anything that's going on. I also feel so for my mil as she is also like that. I don't find anything more than ignoring her. When she is not at home is the best time of my life and I enjoy it to full else just remain irritated. Just keep yourself busy and avoid her. Don't try to change her as she is also trying same on you. Let it be whatever........
     
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Praising others than their own DIL is a classic hallmark of typical Indian IL’s. It’s a passive aggressive way of making the DIL feel that she is not good enough. Be confident about your capabilities as an individual and you will be able to ignore her. Do what you think is right and works best for you, that includes getting help in household chores. When she starts talking about perfect nieces and perfect DIL behavior appear very busy, a little lost and walk out of the room. No point arguing with her, show her you have a mind of your own by doing things your way.
     
    VinuthaS, nju, Needtobestrong and 2 others like this.
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I have noticed that whenever my mil hates something or someone, everything about it / them gets blown out of proportion. And when they like someone, not matter how bad they are, she still talks highly of them. Funnily, I have noticed that this is something many does regardless of their age.

    Your mil is doing the same thing, when she doesn't like something you do or don't do, she comes up with some story that seems right for her (may even tweak it to push on her points) n will irk you in the process.

    All the story about others bothering their parents in terms of supervising grand kids n all, or any such examples, its basically to tell you indirectly that she isn't ok with it.

    All the death drama, everyone does.

    Empty mind is a Devils playground - she has too much free time to see your life under a microscope, what other work does she have ?so everything you do that's not according to her style or approval will bother her n she would want to bother you because she's bothered.

    How to deal with this ? I usually ignore or keep my distance whenever caught in this kinda situation. But giving you a few different suggestions as you asked.

    Nice ways
    Ignore
    Say 'oh you are right' - then ignore
    Answer a fake phone call n walk away everytime she starts
    Limit your face time with her - if you live in the same house, it's challenging but possible
    Change the subject n divert to another topic
    Encourage her to talk about positive things, say it gives them longer life n adds brownie points with heaven door keeper
    Encourage them to travel
    Keep her busy in terms of her hobbies, friends or social life, etc.


    Naughty ways
    Answer directly- according to the situation
    Tell her an opposite example, just like the way she does, but something to support your side
    Walk away when she's talking
    Say this relative threw her mil out because she wouldnt stop talking or some other exaggerated stories pointing to what she does but indirectly.

    Basically you goto show that you aren't happy with whatever she's saying, either show it subtly / indirectly or if it doesn't work, you goto take a direct approach.

    It's hard to change them, maybe you can tone it down a notch or get some silence if you succeed.
     
    VinuthaS, nju, Sangeeta85 and 4 others like this.
  6. VaniVyas

    VaniVyas Platinum IL'ite

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    1. Try to give witty one liners, which is not offensive but at the same time to the point.
    2. Spend less time at home.
    3.Keep yourself busy or act busy always.
    4. Keep singing a song in your mind so that you are occupied and just pretend tat u are listening.:thumbup:
    Because if you actually listen, you will lose your peace of mind.:confundio1:
     
    sheztheone and Needtobestrong like this.
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Most ILs are that way . She is not understanding the office pressures and comparing you to a time when women were able to do all household chores by themselves. To come on a same level, you should start daily complaining about all the work in office, office politics, how much tired you are... keep complaining so much that her remarks will start to look very unfair.
    As for cribbing about sickness and dying and all, that is typical emotional drama. So try to get them busy in some constructive activities- maybe some spiritual program on tv, or some group for older people for exercise.yoga. If they have purposeful lives, they will stop obsessing over DILs...
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Your MIL wants the cake and eat it too.

    You must make her aware that she can't have it all.

    Tell her, if she really expects a women with such qualities as her DIL, then she should have opted for someone with less education and less exposure.
    A working woman with so many other priorities can not be slogging in the kitchen all the time. Besides, if kitchen duty is meant to be women's, then what about financial responsibility? why do men expect their wives to support them financial, when it is primarily their responsibility?
    When women share half of their men's burden, it is a must that men share half of their women's burden for a smooth sail.
    They can opt to be traditional, modern or half traditional-half modern depending on their present life style. But it is not fair to expect their DIL to be both traditional and modern at the same time. I mean working full time/earning a great salary, and doing all the chores at home.

    Secondly, it is true in a way, elderly people are over worked because of the younger women's professions. To compensate our time loss at home, we expect our moms/MILs to look after the home, supervise the maids, and more importantly look after the younger kids.
    Even if the kids are looked after my the maids, it is hugely a family member's duty to ensure everything is right. Besides, younger kids tend to attach so much with the family member/grand parent than the maid, so they will make them work more like bathing, wiping, feeding, playing etc.
    I speak this out of my experience.
    My mom has all the helpers around to look after my kids who are young. But at the end of the day, it is her who ends up doing most of the things.
    Younger one will not nap unless mom sits with her and tells her a story.
    Elder one needs mom in the bathroom, else he won't take bath
    They both wants their grandma to feed them. They won't eat properly on their own... so grandma can't tolerate that.
    So much to say, at the end of the day, my almost 70 yrs old mom is very tired, because she would have been over worked for her age. She can't simply me the mom or nanny at this stage. But her role as a grandma, won't stop her doing the same out of love.
    Had I stay at home, my mom would be resting full time. Besides, she would be served and taken cared by me.
    So, it is evident that my "working" status, makes my mom restless somehow. We are getting paid for our work, and we are getting all the appreciations for what we do outside. But there are people who help indirectly for us to work are under recognized.
    Particularly, these old mothers with all the health issues are not that recognized for all the assistance and assurance they provide us.
    Since there are paid helps, no one actually see the extra work these old mothers are doing.

    Perhaps, this is why your MIL is staging this kind of drama to get some extra attention.
    She may think, she can make you/everyone realize her hard work by talking about her physical issues.
    Besides, she may be actually in pain/sick

    Also, They are tired at the end of the day to follow exercise and physical plans as suggested by the doctors.
    My PILs never support us with the kids or anything. They are by themselves, hence they have got hell lot of time in hand to do what they want to do.
    They follow exercise, they follow strict diet plan and what not. They are focused, and they focus on themselves. So, they are healthy.
    My mom, on the other hand has absolutely no time to focus for her. She is fully with my kids and household supervision etc... and whenever she gets some time, she takes rest. That's all.

    In fact, she is not suppose to do anything at my home. Because I have a maid, a nanny, a gardener, a driver to compensate my time out. But mom looks after everything to ensure they are perfect, and she is doing it to help me.
    This gives me a carefree time at work, but it is at the cost of my mom's personal time.
    Same applies to your MIL too. So, think from that angle
     
  9. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    So you know what she will say again and again and u know her mentality. U cannot change her. Prepare apt answers and train urself so that next time if she says she will get nicely from you, that too politely, and the intensity may subside I believe.
     
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  10. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

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    I live with my MIL and SIL and they don't say anything to me. Though they want to. And I love seeing the look on their faces when they have to keep their mouths shut. But I am male so I certainly do feel that I am previliged in that sense.
     
    Needtobestrong likes this.

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