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Unreasonable Mom

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Apr 17, 2017.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you so much friends, once again your detailed response help a lot here.

    Sad to learn this. I see how that happened. In fact that is my fear here.

    NO... NO. She is not left alone. She is very much, in fact too much involved in the family matters. She is entertained, and she has her own space too. So, that is not the problem here.


    This is exactly my point. I wish to learn more from people who live with their parents under one roof. (either parents or in laws). Because I have seen this at several of my relatives/friends' place although the dynamics differ from each other.
    It is hard for those live miles away from the elders to understand or even relate to the problems.
    That's why I am very reluctant to take the advises from those who blatantly say "shut your mom's mouth" or "send her away" or something like "it is not acceptable". Of course I understand that from their POV. But our circumstance are different.
    In fact, my MIL does not live with me. It would be much easier for me to show her place if and when she interferes. But someone like mom, who lives with me under the same roof is already considered family.
    The westernized standards of immediate family and extended family doesn't apply here when you live as one family under one roof all the time.
    Thanks for understanding me.


    Unfortunately I do not think my mom is an healthy mature adult. Looks like she is a depressed (Unhealthy and depression is due to her prolonged thyroid problems) and immature (Don't know, but I keep on thinking that she is not matured for her age). Hence the problems.
    Now, I am unable to chase her out just because she is unhealthy and immature. For me, she is a family member and a mom regardless of her shortcomings. Not sure whether you and others could understand what I explain here. But I speak from my heart.


    Ok. I have done that several times before. In fact, earlier we had fought a lot, stayed without talking to each other due to this. More so, her BP and that of mine got shoot up earlier due to my attempts to firmly put her off when she interfered. Not that I was silently taking all these abuses, or exposing my loved ones to take abuses from my mom because I have sympathy on her. NOOOOO
    Perhaps you have misunderstood the whole thing.
    Earlier I did not know whether mom was right or wrong. With her prolonged influence, I had confusions whether to trust her or not. I was uncertain of her intentions.
    But as time passed, I grew mature and grew up in the marriage too. Now that, I know what is the boundary, and why and how it must be respected.
    So, each time when mom interferes or creates a drama, I tell her to off in very firm words. Several times, she openly stated that I hurt her to the core by words as this. Several times she reacts too heavily like not eating, crying and showing a huge drama involving my siblings to paint me as a villain. (Again, all these happens when H is not around, as she doesn't like be vulnerable before him).
    Yet, I continued to put her off each time.
    However, nothing has changed. In fact our relationship got soured during these times, but no improvements in her.
    She keeps on continuing the same like comparing me to SIL only to say how blessed she is, and how pathetic I am. This way, she compares my H to my bro indirectly, as she believes a wife is a reflection of her H.
    And again, she chose to stay deaf when I shout out that my happiness is not staying at home, and eating whatever dumped on me.

    Come on Rihana.. I am very clear in my duties, and it seems you are into victim blaming...

    Of course it is not a daily incident. She stays cool for months, and earlier she was cool for years altogether.
    This drama became serious only after my bro's marriage, and specially after seeing my bro suffers a lot (according to her terms - for me, he is a hard worker) while SIL stays all free and enjoy at home (of course she has a maid, nanny and all to help).
    Even now, she brings us such problems once in a while. But not sure when it will happen, and how. So I will be forced to live with stress, and purposely hide certain facts, and act up unnecessarily in my own home to prevent such drama.
    In the past few months, the frequency is high... Bad year for me.
     
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  2. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

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    SGBV

    my own parents, my sister and also my grand parents who used to live with my uncles all have traces of your mom behavior.
    Till last few months, i tried my best to explain my mom. After her sickness, decided to stop discussing these things with her. and i always divert the discussion to her health, relatives etc.
    well its easy as i stay for few weeks and then come back my home abroad. in your case your mom lives with you day and night always, so its very tough for you.

    But i have seen my uncles and aunt who lived with grand parents.
    There is nothing more you can do. This is how old age parents behave. Since they are home always, they need some avigation in life. They shift all focus on kids and grand kids. They become Judgemental, favoritism to other kids, become complaint boxes, there is always a complaint from them. and they usually target the son in laws , DIL etc, show favoritism to one child.

    how 2 of my uncles handled differently.
    1st uncle gave up the control to grand parents. Like my grand mom kept a restriction that parents shudnt raise hand on kids. The life of this uncle has ruined, There has been a big distance between him and his wife.
    his son turned to be good for nothing. They did all the damage they can to his family life.
    But my grand parents were kind of happy with this uncle with their domination. healthy and content. Still they never said he is the perfect son living with us, they will never agree that. Just like your mom never agrees you are the best child and she loves staying with you.

    2nd uncle - He made my grand parents sit in a corner. They had no say. Ignored them and asked them to keep quite in case of his kids. My grand parents went into depression and were always unhappy with this uncle. always cursed him and his wife.
    however his kids turned to be the best. They loved grand parents and also their own parents.
    In both cases, my grand parents always used to complaint to others on how bad their sons and DIL treat them. How they dont take care kids properly. how they dont cook or celebrate festivals at home.

    There is nothing more you can do to make your mom feel good. or change her. This is how old age parents are. Think abt the positive things in your mom, discuss those and keep engaged.
    avoid the negative talks abt your husband and any say in your career.
    Stop trying to do things to impress your mom.
    Draw a line so that your kids life or your life or health is not ruined. You and your husband shud disciplene your kids and take any decision in their case. Your mom should not have any say. Let her complaint to your brother or anyone, ignore.
    No matter what you do, your mom will live life as per gods destiny. But unknowingly she shudnt ruin your life or your kids life.

    Well in my case, Thats what even i have to do. My sister is going to behave worst and talk worst abt my husband. Try her best to taunt me to fight with him and stay for years in India leaving husband , my job and home. so she can live a relax life here. But i cant do what she demands, i will do whats good for all, and ignore her taunts.

     
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  3. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV- I related to your post, as to how your mother has made you the chosen one in your childhood. I am the chosen one in my family. As young as I was at age 6, I have asked my mother, if she is truly my mother, coz of the ways she used to make me feel. Trust me when I say this "I still remember her shocked expression". Her attitude hasn't changed nor can she understand and empathize with me, to an extent, she understands my sister, but there are other things which my sister is made to carry water for. That leaves me to conclude that my mother can not empathize with me or my sister.

    I see a lot of older generation who cannot empathize with other people's life, especially in Indian society. There is a lot of comparisons, never satisfied with anything kind of attitude, not appreciating the children directly.


    Thankfully, I don't live with my mom. I love her she is everything to me. She enjoys being not entangled in my life and responsibilities. I am happy for her, I don't pick on her that she has to feel obligated to be with me or anyone. She is free to do things at her will.

    However, I come from a close knitted big family where all my aunts and mother are joint to the hip. If something happens ( usually every day is a drama day) everyone knows about it.
    One of my aunt who is very controlling is given more respect among all her sister's- as though she is the only one who leads a better married life. Somehow control over husband is given that kind of status in our society. My aunt makes sure, she tells her newly wed daughter that she has to be dominating in her in-laws family, control over her husband.

    I recently happened to meet the couple- I could see that burden of control does to the other spouse, I really felt bad for the guy. My cousins always talks about how confident, how tech savvy, how she knows it all, best dressed, best girl in the family- overall she is stressing that she is a catch and she settled for him.
    My cousin brings up all other cousins or makes sure the conversation is being targeted to get praised from the other person.

    My 2 cents - First of all- if your mother is overreacting recently and always talking about your life, there must be a reason. Most probably one of her friends or relatives may have told their children's successful life. Therefore your mother may be reacting to it.
    Second of all- She wont learn to empathize or understand from your perspective. You can't make her see what she doesn't see. Have a talk, though saying no matter what the adult politics or feelings are- children has to be raised by you and your husband and whatever decision you and your husband take should be respected.
    She had her chance to raise you and your siblings. It's fair enough you get a chance to parent your children according to your wishes. Don't give examples when you are stating your thoughts. Keep it simple. Keep calm and talk to her about this when everything is pleasant.
    Thirdly- maybe she wants to go somewhere by herself or maybe just you and her? Try to dig a bit deeper and find out what her real intentions are- why is she being reactive to small things after your vacation?.

    Things will sort out
    Hugs
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2017
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  4. abcd5

    abcd5 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear SGBV

    I can understand your situation because I am a Sri Lankan married to an Indian. It’s not easy to manage an Indian man and a Sri Lankan mother in law under one roof. If we all live together, I don’t know how I will manage. Indian culture and Sri Lankan culture is two different things and you both can easily manage because you guys are husband and wife, to your mom it isn’t easy.

    From the beginning, you should have managed your life on your own. In the early days of marriage, I faced so many issues with my in- laws, but I don’t share any issues with my mom because my mom cannot understand the Indian in-laws or Indian man. Now you cannot go back and change it, but here after don’t share your issues with your mom, it’s not easy to hide under one roof but start practicing. If you keep on sharing your issues with your mom, it will negatively impact her behavior towards your husband.

    Ask her if she wants to go for a vacation and try to send her to your sibling’s place for a few days, it may give her a break from her stress. How long your mom is living with you? Before marriage did she accept your marriage? My mom didn’t accept and even after 8 years, with a whole heart, she is not able to accept my husband as a son-in-law. Whenever she talks with my husband she is still very tensed and she never called my husband on her own. I am seeing this as a Sri Lankan Indian cultural issue, but I may be wrong. In the beginning, you should have arranged some other living alternatives because I think it’s not easy for her to adjust so much at this age.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks a lot dear friends...

    @maddysweet
    I hear you, and I believe I should do something else my life would be no different from your uncle 1's life from 20 years down the line.
    For the first few years of my marriage, I was so much a mommy's girl and her approval meant everything to me. But now, I see myself more of a wife and mom than a daughter. So, my children's future and my H's life is more important to me.
    I know that I can't change my mom or her way. But I believe that I can change how I respond to her.
    In fact I am improving on my own speed.

    @blindpup10
    Similar to your story, I too have wondered whether I am actually her own DD or not. But then she convinces me by doing extra favors and love otherwise.
    As you said, she doesn't have a smooth relationship with my sister either. Her problem is different though, but she carries almost similar resentment as me.
    The highlight is my mom identifies herself a lot with our SIL. Only after the marriage of my bro, things have become this much critical between us.
    Mom and I are poles apart, even though we are biologically connected. We could never think alike, we could never believe alike.
    We have our differences, and we have learned to embrace each others' differences with time. In fact, after I entered work force, and specially during the peak days of my career, my mom behaved differently with me. She started to see the things through my eyes, and in fact respected them too.

    But then, my SIL entered our family. She has same wave-length as mom. Same thinking, same controlling nature, same attitude and what not.
    They gel well, and mom is more attached to SIL than brother. Now that she thinks SIL is better in the lot, and that is because she shares the same opinion as mom.
    Just because SIL is a SAHM, mom thinks SAHMs are better than working moms
    Just because SIL controls bro, mom thinks that's how a wife should be
    Sometimes, it is too much for me to hear her gyaan about SIL all the time. I know she doesn't love SIL, but have loads of respect for her.
    In my case, she loves me yet no respect.
    All she wants is, I should also live like SIL as she truly believes SIL has a better life than me. All the drama is linked to that.
    It is annoying, but as of now, I am keeping it within my control. So that mom learns it is impossible to break in to our life

    @abcd5
    Glad to know that you are also a Sri Lankan. It is true, a Sri Lankan mom can never understand an Indian marriage system.
    Since I am married to my H, and since I have loads of exposure, I have accepted the system and happy with it. But for my mom, my marriage is a hell.
    She has almost accepted this as if it is my fate until she witnessed my bro-SIL marriage. She believes my SIL has a good deal despite of being a SAHM than me. So, that she has started to influence me in all the possible ways by bringing SIL's day today matters to our marriage only to make me react to this. She thinks I should behave like my SIL, so that my H would behave my bro.
    In fact, our marriages are different and not be compared like this. I am very happy about my marriage and to be frank I wouldn't be happier had I married someone like my bro.

    At this age, my mom can never understand this
     
  6. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Op. To forget the scars and wounds in your mind , keep repeating in your mind that "my mother will understand that i am leading a beautiful life with my husband and children" when ever you are free. When her negative words come to you brain you wash it out and think about a good appreciation you got from her. After few days your scars will be healed. Don't worry your mom is protecting you . it is her way of doing so. But she has her best in mind for you.
     
  7. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    I m a late entrant here.. Let me put the problem in a nutshell. I see this a power play. I see OPs personality as subservient, meaning pleasing mom and seeking her approval type. So when you are pleasing your mom and doing as she feels fit , you are subconsciously giving her power and control over you. Now, after your marriage you are finding solace with your husband as he is not as controlling and not as tough to seek approval as your mother. The problem is your mother sees that as a threat to her having control over your life , so she tries to set you up against your husband. If you and your husband are bitter then your mother can have complete control over your life and does not have to share control with your husband. In your quest to please your mother I feel you are treating your husband unfairly.

    My thought is stop giving control to your mother, stop trying to please her. Not pleasing mom does not imply you love her any less, it only means you expect her to respect your choices. Now your mothers begavior might worsen when you starting claiming your independence , she might get desperate to regain her control back but don't back down till she is able to accept the new balanced equation with you
     
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  8. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    At this age change is not acceptable. If there lives some ladies of her age nearby try to make them her friends. Take your mother to park daily. Listen to some katha or bhajan with her or inspire her to do so. Read aloud some of the holy book in front of her like Ramayana. Give a warming smile whenever she says anything negative and feel like its only her thinking and does not belong to real world. Give her positive environment and lots of love. Even after loving so much to your siblings she is living with you that's your good luck. Don't let it go bad by getting irritated or having any negative thought. When it was not required you changed yourself to get her love now its required. Don't miss the opportunity.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2017
  9. diamond1880

    diamond1880 Senior IL'ite

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    Gosh this sounds so much like my own vent, the differences being I don't have siblings so I was compared with all my maternal cousins, all their flaws were good n mine were nasty, my marriage was very much arranged by her, she boasted of doing all the needful after my dad left us, but now she says her intuition were so strong that my H was not good, she made me feel like I eloped and got married,
    now she has a pblm with my child she feels she has taken after my inlaws particularly one nasty sil of mine ..

    I have reached a nasty level of insanity n anxiety .. my situation is I am forced to have both my H and my mother both warring ends under the same roof , but everyday I keep telling myself I would pull through this too

    nevertheless i would do my duty of taking care of her in her old age, no big deal there coz there is no one else who would
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2017
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  10. manjarimadhu

    manjarimadhu New IL'ite

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    I can totally relate to this Post. The Same way how my mum wants to control my life. Only i start working few years before. before that, she always scolded me for not having job. After that, when she visited me she feels that i am working so hard. Now she wants to resign my job and want me to take rest.It is just an example.

    Both are strong persons and want to do things in their own way. i am still trying to balance between my mum and my husband.It is really tough.
     

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