1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Need Advice On This?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by zeppelingirl, Nov 17, 2017.

  1. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female

    @Jamelia02 Thanks for the advice. I told him once that this panchayat can even be an end of our marriage, and asked him if he really wants it. He didn't reply for that. But then again he is bringing this topic of panchayat with parents everytime when we get a disagreement.

    By the way, I still dunno the reason for his anger this time.. He spoke with me well on video call yesterday morning, but evening time he came with his attitude. And today he said too many hurtful words.

    I still have got no clue whats the reason for his anger. He is not telling me when I ask him.
     
    hino likes this.
  2. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,177
    Likes Received:
    3,185
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Hmmm.... even for your general day-day interactions, I think you should keep calm and not "give in" to when he is being unreasonable and blaming you for something. If he starts shouting or getting confrontational, just calmly walk away saying that you're ready to talk if it is going to be a constructive conversation and not if it is going to just be one person yelling and the other listening. Let him know that you're ready to listen to his concerns, but only if he is respectful about it. Never lose your dignity in dealing with someone like this. Let him know that you will not accept living like this, and you definitely need a solution, but that solution is definitely not coming by you just accepting all the blame while he gets to do what he wants.

    Also, if he keeps threatening that he will talk to parents, let him. You alone should not carry the burden of trying to present a happy face or having to maintain a good relationship with him. Both of you are equally invested in the relationship, so he should be ready to make the same amount of effort you are in trying to make sure things don't get spoiled between you guys.
     
    zeppelingirl, AAPriya and hino like this.
  3. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    104
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Do you think your in laws have any influence on his behavioral change? Are they adding up to any prior problems of you both that he behaves differently each time? Think through it. But if he often suddenly changes his behavior then there is no point in you giving it a thought too. Decide if it needs to be thought of or just let it go. Purely, because you love him.

    Well, I think then he is bit scared of bringing an end to the marriage. So, try making another effort into his head and mention if he ever make the slightest effort to arrange for panchayat, that we are done. Please note, you shouldnt shout or put tantrums. You have to voice out in so matured way and more calmly and put an end to the conversation and divert the topic or stay silent. Act that nothing affects you. We need to take different turns at some point to bring changes.
     
  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,188
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    The only way to end this is by calling his bluff .As long as he knows that u prefer to keep ur fights within the four walls he will use it against u.
    Tell him u are so tired of this and would like a full blown panchayat with everyone from ur side as well ,parents,siblings, cousins their in laws,pets etc etc . Just for the kick tell him he is free to invite everyone from his side . Keep a straight face and start pestering him about dates and what u need to serve them when they come so u can plan the event and give adequate notice to all. I have a hunch that will be an end to all this nonsense.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2017
  5. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you for all your replies dears..

    I literally opened up almost some 40% of our problems to my MIL & SIL.. I dunno if they can help me.. They will speak with him tomorrow and let me see what he is gonna say..

    He will blame me as always for everything and his parents are only gonna believe him.. But I feel kinda light hearted after opening up things..

    His sister didn't think panchayat is a good idea.. she also thinks it will increase our problems & misunderstandings.
     
  6. SwatiSri

    SwatiSri Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    12
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi @zeppelingirl ,
    I agree with everyone that family panchayat is totally not the right way to resolve couple issues. Once complaints reach families, they get set in stone - you and your husband may move on & forget them because you are living together & growing & changing all the time, but your respective families are never going to forget. It can only create misery for you two to discuss things in a panchayat. If you think you need someone to discuss marital issues, a professional therapist is the way to go.
    Also, pay attention to what @Nonya said as well. She asked you to "list the positives". Like her, I also noticed that you listed very strong negative words about your husband - such as "abuses", "dominating" , "mistreating". And then you wrote you don't want to lose him because he has many positive qualities too. If someone is really an abusive person, then their positive qualities had better be golden, for you to want to continue living with them. Or have you got too used to his abusive behavior? Its important for you to discuss these "abuses" with someone neutral and intelligent (whether on this forum or not), to get a good perspective on the state of your relationship with your husband.
    Swati
     
    zeppelingirl likes this.
  7. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    LMAO good one!
     
  8. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Stay away from his family. That sounds like a set-up! The last thing you need is to have them all against you at the same time. Doesn't sound like you're husband will support you. You need to fix your marriage and your marriage is separate from them whether culture approves or not.
    That's what I am doing and I am happier. We fight less.
    Tell your husband "I feel as though....etc" I don't want to be divorced either but if it comes to it...it will be his choice. I believe marriage is for life but it should not feel like a prison sentence. Having your husband constantly standing against you for silly matters is stressful.
    Husbands lie A LOT, set you up and tell you half-truths to manipulate you to be nice to his family no matter what ( the horrors they've done to my husband) horrible effects they've had on our marriage it's always: "That's my family" Ok, I'm not getting what I want (A healthy trusting marriage) then they can have all the expectations on their son, I don't want them expecting anything from me. Being friendly, good, kind, respectful, patient, adjusting constantly to make them comfortable, + compromising and yet they received more...$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and they got that too-----husband's family always want things their terms to truly accept DIL. I say they can eat it and leave me out of it. Placing me to participate in a Hindu ritual when I am not a Hindu was the thing that broke how I see my husband. I was expected to compromise my entire life...the nerve! Oh the fights we have had! Their comfort over our marriage FOREVER? I see.
    But not over my personal comfort! I never trusted them completely and now I NEVER will. They will try cutting you off then making excuses, your husband will fight with you---but be strong and stand firm on your decision! Then, one family member will keep in touch then suddenly they won't call for your marriage anniversary--- as if that is supposed to motivate me to talk to his parents who want to "resolve" our issues--- then they are in for a surprise. The damage is done and I just want to forget they exist. I will never get the early years of our marriage back which were so crucial. How I regret not setting boundaries early in the marriage---following my husband who THEN assured me he would "take care of the problem(s)" be honest when all he did was avoid problems (since he said being honest would cause problems as they would think bad about us if we did not help his 2x married sister with then baby at that time) tell half-truths and lie for everything. They didn't care that we were newly married, they dumped their daughter in our home with her terror child (who she couldn't control) as fast as they could since their son-in-law caused them so much problems. The problem is always helping people who don't EVER take responsibility for their choices. They admit guilt after they get what they want, but it never changes...they continue to expect and will never change. As my SIL who was trying to influence me told me. "You can't change people, you can only change yourself" "You're absolutely right" I answered "That's why I changed myself" Silence was her answer lol SIL will admit how horrible her family is to her yet cut me off when I don't wish to talk to her parents knowing all the pain they caused me? "All this time, I am thinking you are happy and you're suffering....and crying" Her words, not mine yet the bright side is I see her true colors just before 5 years her mask fell off. Honestly I am relieved and feel irritated but I am relieved. Making an effort with in-laws who will only support each other EVEN when they KNOW their behavior is wrong is not my cup of tea. They behave as though I told their son not to talk to them! He took decisions without me and made me look worse and they think I am behind those things. Men take decisions that will mainly benefit them so that they can look like the innocent party. Where there is no transparency there is no trust. So now he doesn't tell me about events in his family, I was relieved at first but now I am worried. Yet he asks me what's going on in mine?? Sounds like his family is behind it too. I don't discuss my family with him I can't bear the constant comparisons. My family is transparent---his is NOT. In-laws lie and manipulate and guilt each other into doing what they want. My family does not operate this way. It's plain disturbing.

     
  9. Ineedhelp1

    Ineedhelp1 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    40
    Gender:
    Female
    Seriously ?? MIL & SIL ????Do you still believe they will help you? You yourself told about your MIL's double game. Oh girl it is like giving the locker key to thief to keep it safe!!. I feel sorry for you !

    May god bless you!
     
    September2015 likes this.
  10. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel like I typed in vain...she offered herself up to them on a platter...I shiver just thinking about it. She just gave them ammunition against her.
     

Share This Page