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My Teenager Told Me That She And Bf............

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by DavenaRosalie, Oct 23, 2017.

  1. DavenaRosalie

    DavenaRosalie Silver IL'ite

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    :boxing:

    ok. my 18 year old told me that she and her bf went to that "level"
    i walked away literally, like 5 minutes ago.
    what do i do? what do i say?
    what do i think???? this is crazy
     
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  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I think it is time to talk to her about early pregnancy, std, risks, etc.. basically educate her of any n all consequences that can arise from this situation n teach her 'safety'. Talk to her about the past mms scandals, current video leaks, unsafe locations, untime safety issues n explain to her about how to be careful n keep her safe at all times.

    I don't think it's possible to stop them really, they may jus do it behind your back n will choose to just not tell you. So it's better that you explain this properly n make sure she keeps talking to you n you be updated of everything, good or bad. Don't block her out, Calm yourself down first, n then have a really good talk with her.
     
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  3. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    If you mention whether you live in India or US/Europe, you may get feedback at a slightly higher resolution. Things are different with an all-Amercan child for example.
    Good Luck!:beer-toast1:
     
  4. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Watching this thread. This is one cultural difference between India-US (I hear things are different in India too now!) that I am possibly never going to be ok with. So waiting to see all the advice.

    On one hand, there is women on ILs who say they have asexual/low libido husbands which situation could have possibly been saved by having relations prior to marriage & then on one hand, it is conflicting with the Indian culture & values I was brought up with. If we were to test every guy, that would open up doors for random s**. So, have always been confused on what my stand will be with regard to Dd (who is just 5 now by the way). Interested to see the advice on this issue.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2017
  5. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    OP , hope you have calmed down. Must be tough to hear this.

    Hopefully, your DD has had sex ed classes. and knows the important stuff. And the importance of "safe sex". Did you know already that she had a boyfriend ? Have you spoken about it? Why did she confide in you now - just to share, or is she worried or did she just blurt it out during an argument?
    Remember , it is best for you to keep the lines of communications open, and you have to be non-judgmental about it. It is going to be very hard given our mindset and emotions as a mother, but you have to let her know that while you are worried, hurt and shocked but it it her life and you want to support.
     
  6. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Before anything,your teen feels she is close to you and told you the truth.Appreciate her.She feels like you are her friend.she trusts you.

    Don't tell or scream at her.Talk to her calmly and ask her what she meant by "that level".

    Explain to her calmly about the pros and cons.She needs to take responsibilities for her actions.Do not lose her trust in you no matter what.She needs your right guidance.
     
  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Your little girl is growing into a young woman ! It might be upsetting to you but you must have a talk ASAP about STD’s and birth control ( condoms). Telling her to refrain from anything may or may not work since she will then start hiding things from you. Be patient and explain to her that while it is normal to have desires one must be very very careful. In any case , please take her to the doctor and get her started on birth control and get a vaccine for HPV.
     
  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Its true that things are more open n accepted in india too now. Jus like for any other topic, it stands divided regarding this too. I live here right now and can see all the changes around me. N my advice was based on that too.

    Wanting their son's n daughters to explore before getting married is an accepted thing in some people now, I have heard it even more so from moms of daughters than sons. They don't like to define moral values based 'only' on sex. They want their kids to have a more meaningful, full, happy relationship.

    The other extreme crowd of 'don't even look at boys/ gals' also exists. How many of those boys / gals do you think walk with their eyes down ?

    It is our duty to teach the right n wrong, values n morals to our kids, but in reality there's only so much you can control, either they let u know or they don't, so it's important to keep an open communication.

    I am very old fashioned when it comes to all this. N I have accepted the fact that the old tradition can be followed in my life by me only, I can't run around n control everyone else's including my children, esp once they cross a certain age. But can only guide them to some extent N just have faith that you have done your work rite.
     
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  9. Grace09

    Grace09 Senior IL'ite

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    OP as much as it is understandable what you feel, it is important to realize that our children are not asexual beings, they are human with all the needs that we have, and they have right to explore these urges and that is where parents come in picture, to guide them so that during this exploration phase they dont make long lasting mistake such as very obvious things as STD or pregnancy but also things such as engaging in sexual activity for wrong reason - to seek validity, under peer / bf pressure, to get some sort of thrill. We as parents need to assure our children that it is okay to engage in sexual exploration but with right kind of person, for right reasons, at right place and with tools & techniques to protect themselves. We need to teach them how to identify and avoid exploitative situation and most importantly the issue of express consent of both parties especially when alcohol or recreational drugs may be involved.
    Walking out of such an important conversation was not right, but you can make it work now by being accepting and open. It is not necessary that your daughter trusts you and just want to be truthful to you and share with you such important piece of information, she may have shared this just to assert her adulthood, her own agency in her life decision and independence or simply she does not want to be hypocrite by living one kind of life but projecting another to you. So please dont make assumption that thr communication lines are open with her and you need not work on it.
    I have gone through the phase that your daughter is going through and now i am happily married to the person who is the most compatible man God could have created for me. I feel my previous relationships helped me see men past their physical and other social aspects and see them for truly the kind of human they are and in turn i understood myself. It help me evolve and led me to the man that i knew was right for me.
    Be patient with yourself and keep working on helping and guiding your daughter, emphasize that it is her happiness that matters most but she need to act responsible, stand for herself, keep her safety and physical & emotional wellbeing first.
     
  10. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    If one of them is <18 and the other >18, there'd be legal issues. I hope they are both on oneside or the other.
    Mother has to quiz the child calmly to find out if she'd be OK to visit a clinic to get checked out. Nothing like graphic color photos, and videos of young people relating their symptoms and pains to put a damper on experiments with someone else. They show them in schools' sex-ed classes; and these are more graphic when the army shows them to recruits at basic training.
    Keep calm, and stay positive.
     

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