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Mil ?!?!?!?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by DKI, Sep 12, 2017.

  1. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Quite the opposite in MIL's case. FIL has been the one who did seva for her all these years. Right from getting her breakfast ready for her to giving her a hot glass of milk at night at precisely 9pm every night he did everything. IF she was to cook, he would have to cut the veges, measure out the rice. We think suddenly she is forced to be independent and resents it. DH and I have told her we will do as much as possible for her, but cannot always put her needs and wants first.
     
  2. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    That decision has not yet been made. She has a valid visa for the next few months. Next week we discuss whether or not to apply for a green card for her
     
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  3. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for the suggestions. The only friends we have whose parents are here are not Hindi / Gujarathi speaking. In the past when PIL have visited we have had dinners with both the other families. She will eat and just sit there and not say a word. As for taking my son out to the park - well, he is 14 now. And even when he was a small child she never took him out. I doubt it is going to start now.
     
  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Losing a spouse after being married for so many years would have take an enormous toll on her.
    The relationship between a husband and wife is very complex and not always apparent even to their own kids. Ur PIL have not always lived with u and u met her after her prime. You need to account for the gaps in ur knowledge...things that have happened in her life before u came into the family and since.
    Does this have to made explicit so soon after her husbands death? If anything this would only add to her feeling of insecurity
    He can take her out now :) . Its never too late to mend a relationship esp something as special as this one. Its not all for ur MIL..it will do wonders for ur son .
     
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  5. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    So ...
    1) She does not cut vegetables - because she does not like knives
    2) She does not fold clothes - because... I don't know why, but FIL always did that. The 3 times I have done laundry since she came she will tell me that she would help. As soon as I start folding laundry, she remembers something and disappears until everything is folded (this is not just this trip, but has always been the case)
    3) She refuses to cook - makes just rice and has with yoghurt. I have not tasted her cooking since I left India 18 years ago.
    4) She won't play with my son...maybe because he is now 14 and does not want to be treated like a 2 year old. But then, even when he was a baby / toddler, she would not play with him.

    So - you see, I am trying hard. Unfortunately, because of her behaviour and clingy nature, my son is not getting the time with me like he used to - and I am talking the last 30 minutes of each day. When we sit together to just talk or do something together, she WILL find some reason to get me to get up and get her something.
     
  6. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Re-marriage? Doubt that would go down well with her. She is 70 now. When FIL was alive (just this Jan actually), he talked to DH and asked him to look into Retirement homes for the 2 of them. She threw a fit when she heard and accused DH of wanting to throw them into an "orphanage" That was the end of that chapter.
     
  7. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Everybody once again has come up with several good suggestions. I read everything and feel a little better. I guess it is just the emotional rollercoaster I am in right now plus exhaustion (DH has a travelling job so I am full time mom and dad and now son/DIL too). I have the habit of bending over backwards to make a person feel comfortable in my home. She knows that and tries to milk it.

    I needed an outlet to talk, and do not want to call up my friends and tell them how I feel. Certainly cannot tell my parents as I never tell them anything that may worry them. Hide as much from DH too. But in this forum, today as well as in the past, I have managed to pour my heart out.
     
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  8. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    I feel by your post that your MIL and Fil didn't share a very close relationship. Sorry to say that but maybe she had some bitter experiences that made her feel better after him passing away, rather than missing him. I know it's difficult but if possible, build a healthy relationship with her and try to find out her pain. How he treated her and why she is not so deep into her loss. We never know what she might have gone through. Infact I feel if she gets a chance to speak her heart out, maybe all the bitterness would come out and she would feel better and also allow you and your family to live the way you want. She might have her own reasons otherwise I don't think any ideas indian MIL in this world would mess with her Dial's thali since it's so holy for us
     
  9. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    DKI - my suggestions to you. I am all for equality. Dont expect anything other than love from parents especially when they have lost their spouse. Then don't have to be baby sitter, cook or baby engager. In my opinion, only if I a person is controlling your life or business, your husband should communicate to her and ask her not to interfere. Why can't your husband take care of her like how she did when he was young. I would tell the same if you wrote about your mom like this. I would have asked why can't you take care of her like how she did for you. Your mil is in depression. She has lost her supportive spouse. I feel your husband needs to talk to her and try to counsel her. I am not a religious person. So I may be wrong in this context. I wouldn't do puja if she doesn't want to do for her husband. Because I feel subtle things like this reminds her husband. Just give h r emotional support. Treat her like your child. Don't take insults from her. But looks like she is under depression and wants alone time. Please support her and advise your husband to be there for her. If possible ask him to take her somewhere for 2-3 days. She might vent out how much she misses her husband to him atleast.
     
  10. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry I read this only now. This case, I can't blame you. It's your husband who needs to give her emotional support as you are not her daughter. She might not open her feelings to you.
     

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