Nothing Coming B/w Us Other Than Kid

sanjuruby3 · Sep 4, 2017

Our marriage has hit the stage where there is nothing coming between us other than our kid. We both live for our kid and do everything for our kid. Outside that, we do not care for each other at all. He ate or not, my knee injured...what happened. Nothing. No hugs, no worries nothing. May be house hold chores like a maid, washing cooking for him or him doing things for me. Are these counted care ? may be.
I am at a point that I wanted to come out of marriage or move back to my family but I can not. No, not that I love someone else. But probably I hate him. Here in US, We live alone, We have no one other than each other for all the love and hate. Love all goes to kid. For hate, we have each other.
For everything my anger frustation goes to him. I feel so alone in this country. Specially from past 1 yr and more from few months. and i mentioned him so many times.
I literally have no friends here. Few knowns but not where I can share my feelings or shop along or have girls time. Either people are busy with jobs or kids or family or they have big family or too close with their Hs to go out without them.

Too worsen the situation, my daughter does not like me much and she is becoming more of brat and wants only her dad bcos she gets tv/cartoons from him before she even thinks to cry.

Most weekends, we plan to watch movie at home when kid sleeps. She sleeps very late and she wants him. So he goes to make her sleep, tells me I will come to watch but never comes. Did he sleep there? no... I go daughter has slept and see he is always on his own tab/tv. Bathroom, restraunt, dinner table , bed, kitchen ..everywhere his phone with some movie on and he burning his eyes into it.

Now, he is some male friends. He is watching movie till 12 00 of night on TV, beers in hand and no problem sitting with him and my daughter in lap glaring at TV for hours.
Some times I go out for gym. One day in 2 weeks, I go and hear, you went out and had fun. I do not go to gym and gain weight, I am fat and should do something.
Unless, I scream and fight or cry, I am not heard.
We go out to buy something, I do not like what he likes, he shouts. If I do not say anything, I am not concerned.

We absolutely have no love for each other's parents. He hates mine and I hate his and there is no specific reason for that. It is our differences or say less love or each other. In the past, he has cheated on me. That was decade back. He had many many problems. For all that, I suffered a lot, a lot in my health and career and also stopped communicating to each others family because we had differences with each other that time. We did not split because I stick with him. I am sure with what he did, many women would have divorced him.
Past is past...

Now, I miss my family everyday. I cry many times in front of my kid whenever I miss my parents, I can not control my tears.
What do I do? How can i improve the relationship. I sleep separate and my H and kid in main room. Because I can not take him on tab all the night. He does not care. My daughter wants him so I am immaterial at home.

Sandycandy · Sep 4, 2017

A) Are you financially , emotionally independent ? Can you manage with the daughter alone ?
If yes, it's obvious husband and you have no attachment or love for each other. He has cheated before and you hate each other. What's stopping you from moving on ?

B) If you are not financially / emotionally independent , your best bet is to go for marital counseling and try your best to love each other . If hate cannot turn to love , atleast coexist peacefully for the sake of the daughter.

And one of the days that he is out with friends drinking beer...pour some hot sambar/ rasam over his tablet and throw it in the trash ( look for electronic waste drop off locations ) .

Irrespective of A or B , go to the gym, focus on yourself.

Take care !

happydheivanai · Sep 4, 2017

sanjuruby3 said: ↑

Our marriage has hit the stage where there is nothing coming between us other than our kid. We both live for our kid and do everything for our kid. Outside that, we do not care for each other at all. He ate or not, my knee injured...what happened. Nothing. No hugs, no worries nothing. May be house hold chores like a maid, washing cooking for him or him doing things for me. Are these counted care ? may be.
I am at a point that I wanted to come out of marriage or move back to my family but I can not. No, not that I love someone else. But probably I hate him. Here in US, We live alone, We have no one other than each other for all the love and hate. Love all goes to kid. For hate, we have each other.
For everything my anger frustation goes to him. I feel so alone in this country. Specially from past 1 yr and more from few months. and i mentioned him so many times.
I literally have no friends here. Few knowns but not where I can share my feelings or shop along or have girls time. Either people are busy with jobs or kids or family or they have big family or too close with their Hs to go out without them.

Too worsen the situation, my daughter does not like me much and she is becoming more of brat and wants only her dad bcos she gets tv/cartoons from him before she even thinks to cry.

Most weekends, we plan to watch movie at home when kid sleeps. She sleeps very late and she wants him. So he goes to make her sleep, tells me I will come to watch but never comes. Did he sleep there? no... I go daughter has slept and see he is always on his own tab/tv. Bathroom, restraunt, dinner table , bed, kitchen ..everywhere his phone with some movie on and he burning his eyes into it.

Now, he is some male friends. He is watching movie till 12 00 of night on TV, beers in hand and no problem sitting with him and my daughter in lap glaring at TV for hours.
Some times I go out for gym. One day in 2 weeks, I go and hear, you went out and had fun. I do not go to gym and gain weight, I am fat and should do something.
Unless, I scream and fight or cry, I am not heard.
We go out to buy something, I do not like what he likes, he shouts. If I do not say anything, I am not concerned.

We absolutely have no love for each other's parents. He hates mine and I hate his and there is no specific reason for that. It is our differences or say less love or each other. In the past, he has cheated on me. That was decade back. He had many many problems. For all that, I suffered a lot, a lot in my health and career and also stopped communicating to each others family because we had differences with each other that time. We did not split because I stick with him. I am sure with what he did, many women would have divorced him.
Past is past...

Now, I miss my family everyday. I cry many times in front of my kid whenever I miss my parents, I can not control my tears.
What do I do? How can i improve the relationship. I sleep separate and my H and kid in main room. Because I can not take him on tab all the night. He does not care. My daughter wants him so I am immaterial at home.
Click to expand...

I really feel sad for u. Y can't u discuss with ur husband .this is not actually right ..if same continues it will b worst. Don't blame ur child ..she is small at this stage girl baby always like there dad .uhave to maintain ur relationship with ur husband that only will help fir ur future

chaithrapillay · Sep 4, 2017

Open up now at least, every relation may have hurdles and pain but what if we start thinking beyond that. First, take out the negative thought you have in your mind regarding your relationship because that multiplies your loneliness and make you request for someone's company. Just be yourself, find which activity gives you so much happiness and start doing that. When you make yourself busy with the things you love, you will never ask someone to be with you and when ever the time comes, just speak openly with your husband. Though you have pain start smiling with the small things you do for yourself and you do for your loving kid. Be a friend to your kid, play with her and as you know baby girls are close to dad initially but trust me they understand the loneliness and tears of the mother very well. Show the priority to your family but never make them as your world. Don't be sad, keep smiling and sort out all the things with your attitude and happy nature. I belive that you can do you

bruised234 · Sep 4, 2017

Whatever happens, don't show it on your kid. Usually I say "look for a job to divert your mind", in your situation I don't feel like saying that either. I see so many families where wife is not working here in the US, husband and wife are still happy. Other than financial issues, if any, I don't see any other issues in such cases. Where do you guys stay? If you are in an apartment, don't you have people to talk to there? Of course, you can't confide everything in them, but it is better than zero company. There was this one point in life when I really really wanted to converse with someone (even before coming to IL) when I felt very desperate because I had a violent episode. I remember I caught someone in the train I used to travel to work. But this person was so mean, so unfriendly, immature, that I just stopped conversing with people anymore. At some point OP, you realize that there is no use talking to anyone about your issues, you will look for better ways to resolve your problems. You should keep exercising because when the mind starts to waver, the body's physical well being becomes important. Sleep well and turn to God when it starts to bother you...

sanjuruby3 · Sep 4, 2017

No, I do not blame my kid at all. I love her so much and she is my world. I love her more than my H but she does not know that. She wants him all the time because he spoils her and he does not worry much about her eating or bathing or brushing or health food. He finds easy way out by handing out TV Tab unlike me trying to teach her good habits all the time.
Sometimes, when I am sad , already feeling alone and less energetic to fight, she wakes up crying that she only wants her dad to bring her out, dad is away shopping for beer, what do i do .. and she is pushing me away like I am some disposable thing, I feel like slapping her.

At one time, we were in shop, and my H just held my H, like lets go or not buy this... kind gesture. She was near by playing. She saw and came running, do not hold her hand, he is my dad, and held his hand. My H feels happy. When she shows possessiveness or love towards him than me, he feels proud. Instead of telling or explaining her. He is always like that living in sort of inferiority complex and infected me with same disease.

My depression started year back when I lost my job. I was tired of struggles in this country. I got job but I was in so much depression that I quit and went to India to my parents. I loved being cared and paid attention to and seeing so many people there and came back to this dull quiet alone world. I was back in depression and did not want job. I tried to talk to people but as I said, people are busy or the have their circle or they feel why am I talking to them. No everyone has same tastes or issues or lives or here , language also matters, unfortunately.
I joined job but I do not get to socialize in that and feel isolated as i have to work at home. I do not find time for anything, cooking, working, back to cooking, cleaning for kid, still there is loneliness in me and I want to move back.
One day I called my mom and sobbed that they come to me. I tried to control my tears and i hope in bad connection that they she did not hear my tears. They can not come and I have to go soon for a function.

Talking to my H - I can not as we do not speak much. We are both either busy in kid or in our own hobbies or we talk about 3rd person that we both know. But we never talk to each others family, their good news specially, or about us, our dissatisfactions. Almost everyday, once we fight in front of our kid and she stops us. His gets high on every small thing and I hate him.

Elsa · Sep 4, 2017

sanjuruby3 said: ↑

No, I do not blame my kid at all. I love her so much and she is my world. I love her more than my H but she does not know that. She wants him all the time because he spoils her and he does not worry much about her eating or bathing or brushing or health food. He finds easy way out by handing out TV Tab unlike me trying to teach her good habits all the time.
Sometimes, when I am sad , already feeling alone and less energetic to fight, she wakes up crying that she only wants her dad to bring her out, dad is away shopping for beer, what do i do .. and she is pushing me away like I am some disposable thing, I feel like slapping her.

At one time, we were in shop, and my H just held my H, like lets go or not buy this... kind gesture. She was near by playing. She saw and came running, do not hold her hand, he is my dad, and held his hand. My H feels happy. When she shows possessiveness or love towards him than me, he feels proud. Instead of telling or explaining her. He is always like that living in sort of inferiority complex and infected me with same disease.

My depression started year back when I lost my job. I was tired of struggles in this country. I got job but I was in so much depression that I quit and went to India to my parents. I loved being cared and paid attention to and seeing so many people there and came back to this dull quiet alone world. I was back in depression and did not want job. I tried to talk to people but as I said, people are busy or the have their circle or they feel why am I talking to them. No everyone has same tastes or issues or lives or here , language also matters, unfortunately.
I joined job but I do not get to socialize in that and feel isolated as i have to work at home. I do not find time for anything, cooking, working, back to cooking, cleaning for kid, still there is loneliness in me and I want to move back.
One day I called my mom and sobbed that they come to me. I tried to control my tears and i hope in bad connection that they she did not hear my tears. They can not come and I have to go soon for a function.

Talking to my H - I can not as we do not speak much. We are both either busy in kid or in our own hobbies or we talk about 3rd person that we both know. But we never talk to each others family, their good news specially, or about us, our dissatisfactions. Almost everyday, once we fight in front of our kid and she stops us. His gets high on every small thing and I hate him.
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I havent thought of a proper reply tp write here. But I could not wait to respond to the last two lines you have written above. You are enabling your kids bratty behavior. You both together are spoiling your kid. It is not a good thing to fight infront of young kids. To the point that the kid has to intervene and stop you. What kind of childhood are you giving her. What love and care do you expect from her when all you and your DH do is fight infront of her every day?

Now, dont tell me you are living together for the kid. A kid who has to witness fights eveyr single day is robbed of her/his childhood IMO. You and yoor DH should deal with your issues like adults.

bruised234 · Sep 4, 2017

sanjuruby3 said: ↑

No, I do not blame my kid at all. I love her so much and she is my world. I love her more than my H but she does not know that. She wants him all the time because he spoils her and he does not worry much about her eating or bathing or brushing or health food. He finds easy way out by handing out TV Tab unlike me trying to teach her good habits all the time.
Sometimes, when I am sad , already feeling alone and less energetic to fight, she wakes up crying that she only wants her dad to bring her out, dad is away shopping for beer, what do i do .. and she is pushing me away like I am some disposable thing, I feel like slapping her.

At one time, we were in shop, and my H just held my H, like lets go or not buy this... kind gesture. She was near by playing. She saw and came running, do not hold her hand, he is my dad, and held his hand. My H feels happy. When she shows possessiveness or love towards him than me, he feels proud. Instead of telling or explaining her. He is always like that living in sort of inferiority complex and infected me with same disease.

My depression started year back when I lost my job. I was tired of struggles in this country. I got job but I was in so much depression that I quit and went to India to my parents. I loved being cared and paid attention to and seeing so many people there and came back to this dull quiet alone world. I was back in depression and did not want job. I tried to talk to people but as I said, people are busy or the have their circle or they feel why am I talking to them. No everyone has same tastes or issues or lives or here , language also matters, unfortunately.
I joined job but I do not get to socialize in that and feel isolated as i have to work at home. I do not find time for anything, cooking, working, back to cooking, cleaning for kid, still there is loneliness in me and I want to move back.
One day I called my mom and sobbed that they come to me. I tried to control my tears and i hope in bad connection that they she did not hear my tears. They can not come and I have to go soon for a function.

Talking to my H - I can not as we do not speak much. We are both either busy in kid or in our own hobbies or we talk about 3rd person that we both know. But we never talk to each others family, their good news specially, or about us, our dissatisfactions. Almost everyday, once we fight in front of our kid and she stops us. His gets high on every small thing and I hate him.
Click to expand...

I don't know the reason for your depression, but there was a time when I was severely depressed - no matter what, don't give up being bubbly and smiling. What is the reason for depression in job? Was the job not high paying? Even I face that issue where I have to finish stuff at home and also go to office with sarcastic comments from colleagues and manager. They didn't value me initially because I seemed to scavange on everyone, one guy was openly bullying me, it took me time to realize I was being used as scapegoat to cover up their faults. Because I was acting like someone in distress, they projected me as the reason for failures. You won't believe that the bully saved me and yes, talking to one colleague in another team and most important looking up to God made me want to fight back. The bully was actually telling me where I was going wrong. At one point I thought of giving up for good. Then there was a point, just when I joined IL, when I could not function at all. It took a lot to realize that I was doing damage to myself, not others. As far as your daughter is concerned, she does not know anything, she is showing her survival instincts - if daddy gets close to mommy, her freebies and carefree attitude will have to come to an end, so she is using her daddy well. Hitting her or punishing her will only make it worse. Try to make her understand it is for her good you are telling her, if not manipulate her, shouting, showing frustration will make it far worse for you. After all she is your daughter, tomorrow if she ends up indisciplined, it will show up as your training, not his pampering. Get your job back, pamper her more than your husband, make her toe your line. You've got to pull up your socks and chin if you want it to work. You be bubblier than her and see how it turns out for you. Remember, it is within you to make a difference and you can do it.

yellowmango · Sep 4, 2017

Hugs to you op.
Op ,how does your daughter behave with you when she is alone with you. Does she show love for you?

How do you act with her when your husband is not around? Do you try extra hard to get her attention? Do you act needy for her love?

May be if you are not available to her all the time,she will value you more.
Do the basics and then get back to your life. Try it for a few days and see if there is any change.

You seem to be completely discharged. Can you leave them both home over the weekend and just go out and have a day or two to yourself. Go for a movie,parlour or just go sight seeing some place close by. Let them miss you.You can also get some energy back by staying away from the negativity.

As for arguments with husband ,can you just write down and then ask him time to discuss it in a calm way. You fighting with him in front of daughter will alienate her further from you.

Your husband is an immature parent. Ignore him when he acts stupid like be happy at her possessiveness. Just act like you don't care. Don't get into competition. Send her to him more and more .let him take care of her more and more and in the time that it saves you ,you sit back and do something you like.

If he objects,tell him he knows that she loves him more and you have decided not to come between dad and daughter and decided that they both should spend as much time together as she wants.See if that changes him .

Op,you both have bad relations. Your losing your head or getting emotional and crying won't effect him. It just may make him happy.
Making them realise you are not effected by things around you may bring about some change.

Since you don't have any friends near you to vent to ,write here and vent.
If you can talk to a professional about your depression ,that would be better.
Best wishes and tons of hugs to you.

deepthyanoop · Sep 4, 2017

sanjuruby3 said: ↑

No, I do not blame my kid at all. I love her so much and she is my world. I love her more than my H but she does not know that. She wants him all the time because he spoils her and he does not worry much about her eating or bathing or brushing or health food. He finds easy way out by handing out TV Tab unlike me trying to teach her good habits all the time.
Sometimes, when I am sad , already feeling alone and less energetic to fight, she wakes up crying that she only wants her dad to bring her out, dad is away shopping for beer, what do i do .. and she is pushing me away like I am some disposable thing, I feel like slapping her.

At one time, we were in shop, and my H just held my H, like lets go or not buy this... kind gesture. She was near by playing. She saw and came running, do not hold her hand, he is my dad, and held his hand. My H feels happy. When she shows possessiveness or love towards him than me, he feels proud. Instead of telling or explaining her. He is always like that living in sort of inferiority complex and infected me with same disease.

My depression started year back when I lost my job. I was tired of struggles in this country. I got job but I was in so much depression that I quit and went to India to my parents. I loved being cared and paid attention to and seeing so many people there and came back to this dull quiet alone world. I was back in depression and did not want job. I tried to talk to people but as I said, people are busy or the have their circle or they feel why am I talking to them. No everyone has same tastes or issues or lives or here , language also matters, unfortunately.
I joined job but I do not get to socialize in that and feel isolated as i have to work at home. I do not find time for anything, cooking, working, back to cooking, cleaning for kid, still there is loneliness in me and I want to move back.
One day I called my mom and sobbed that they come to me. I tried to control my tears and i hope in bad connection that they she did not hear my tears. They can not come and I have to go soon for a function.

Talking to my H - I can not as we do not speak much. We are both either busy in kid or in our own hobbies or we talk about 3rd person that we both know. But we never talk to each others family, their good news specially, or about us, our dissatisfactions. Almost everyday, once we fight in front of our kid and she stops us. His gets high on every small thing and I hate him.
Click to expand...

Hi SanjuSanjuruby,
I get what you are saying.From what you posted, I gather, eventhough you are saying you don't love your husband and he too don't care for you, there still is some connection there. You are doing things for your daughter. He is also doing his bit, eventhough not perfect.

Regarding daughter cares only for her father.. Let me ask you something.. are you more loud to your daughter? Do you talk to her with some frustration( to your husband) in mind?? She may be sensing it. Let me tell you something from experience. My now 3.5 year old son hates it if I talk to him in a loud voice. If I am in a tensed state( due to work pressure or household things), he sesnses it so clearly and will stick to his comparatively "cool dad" . So it is not that your daughter hates you, she may not be in approval with your behaviour. A toddler cannot understand who is doing things more perfectly for her..So always be conscious to gentle and mild with her and try to appear relaxed and calm around her. Believe me kids are very very good in sensing our mood. If she is acting mean to you,just go from there and be unavailable to her for sometime. Let her miss you. Dont show her that you are hurt and angry.

Then the husband part, I think the tension related to the child rearing and not getting enough couple time is adding stress... When the kid is sleeping, try to talk to him. Or just sent an email or message about how hurt you are and how neglected you are feeling.. Don't be shy to take the initiative to make things right. If he responds, that means there is still some hope in the relationship. Good luck dear. Take care!!