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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Anjali483, Aug 24, 2017.

  1. Anjali483

    Anjali483 New IL'ite

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    I need some suggestions on how to handle this scenario. I got divorced few years back from an abusive guy. I started looking for matches after a year and met a guy on matrimonial website.i am in my mid 30's. We have known each other for last one year.
    We planned to get married soon. But I am too nervous about this. The issue is bf is very very unromantic and insensitive. We always talk as friends, he is little romantic when we meet every few months. His ex-wife cheated on him, I sometimes feel he starved her for affection and that might be the reason for this. I don't want to feel the same way in long run.
    When I try to be expressive, he says don't be clingy.
    We are in a long distance relationship ...and he hardly talks these days..I would be happy if he shows little interest on what I do. I usually tell him about my day and the response will be one syllable at the end. And his response to every question about his day is in a single word.But he calls me regularly. I have to leave to his place with a new job , away from my close set of friends. This is making me very nervous. He is not a bad guy but I don't feel too close to him either to take the big step. I explained/ argued with him over this few times and it has become even more an unhappier relationship.
    Considering my age , I am not confident to break it or go along with it. I have a good job and I am well settled.
     
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  2. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    This is your second chance and you have misunderstanding before the marriage itself. Seems like you guys have different interest. Are you the one who initiated this marriage topic or did he do that? From your post I think you should not hurry and take some time before you make the final decision. All the best.

    If it is possible you both together should go for pre-marriage counselling. That will help you both to realize where you stand in this relationship and what you want?
     
    sindmani likes this.
  3. Benitapaul

    Benitapaul Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I feel from your post that you are expecting certain qualities from your bf and at the same time not ready to end this relationship quoting your age. Please don't settle in for the relationship if you are not feeling really confident about your bf.

    Please go through pre marriage counseling and analyze your relationship on where you stand.

    There could be another possibility as well on how your bf behaves based on his previous relationship. It would have wounded him as well and he might be in dilemma as you feel now. (E.g. Telling you clingy for expressive.) Once you gain each other's trust completely. Get into the marriage. That's what really matters.

    I heard this experiment from one of my neighbors, He said he would ask his friends or kids or relatives to go on a trekking/ camping for a week with their significant other before getting married. At the end of the trip, you will definitely know whether to get married and start a life with the person or not. He swears that the ones who completes the trip and decide to get married had stood through everything together in their life :)
     
  4. Anjali483

    Anjali483 New IL'ite

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    We have similar interests when we hang out .We both go for hikes/ water sports etc when we meet.We went on vacations etc....initial days , we used to talk for hours. I was more confident about this that time , than now. He asked me few times to get married, I have said yes that time as well... Bcos of some circumstances it got postponed and now I am nervous.


    This is your second chance and you have misunderstanding before the marriage itself. Seems like you guys have different interest. Are you the one who initiated this marriage topic or did he do that? From your post I think you should not hurry and take some time before you make the final decision. All the best.

    If it is possible you both together should go for pre-marriage counselling. That will help you both to realize where you stand in this relationship and what you want?[/QUOTE]
     
  5. Sunburst

    Sunburst Platinum IL'ite

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    When there is a doubt , there is no doubt !
     
  6. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    If the man wants it badly enough, he'd move to where she is at. She shouldn't take on a huge cost to be with someone who is flaky.
     
  7. liya1984

    liya1984 Bronze IL'ite

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    This is just my personal opinion...take it or leave it...i feel something not right in the way this relationship is headed...

    I have reasons....when i was engaged my husband then fiance used to never bother calling me , used to speak very little, forget being sensitive /romantic...i remember this one specific incident where i was crying and telling my mom that I do not feel anything nice about this boy...my mom, as always ,refused to acknowledge anything....for them it was a good match ....he had a nice job, similar background...maybe he is shy ....

    cut to 5+ years of this sham marriage, turns out that my husband is asexual....

    your fiance claims that his wife cheated on him....i strongly feel that there is more to that story than meets the eye.....Is there any way you can contact his ex-wife and find out what went wrong in that relationship....maybe she wont communicate or she might not give a proper answer but atleast you did some sort of background check....

    you also mentioned that your fiance is not a bad guy...lemme tell you something...my husband is all these years of marriage never screamed at me once, never uttered a single bad word against me or my parents, doesnt drink or smoke...all this makes him a good guy but does that make him a good husband...the answer is no...i lost my precious years thanks to him....

    in my opinion , better to be single and lonely than to suffer misery all over again....
     
    memeera1234, dia3, DDream and 8 others like this.
  8. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Marriage is more than going on hikes , water sports and vacations . It also involves expressing yourself emotionally without being called clingy . If you are ok with a spouse that is not emotionally involved or expressive , go for it. But don't let age be a deciding factor. I think he has made his expectations clear, so don't think he will change.
    I also strongly agree with the person above, it's possible he has the same issues. You only know his version of why he is divorced, I wonder if that is the whole truth .
    Best wishes !
     
    Shreema86 and cheenu123 like this.
  9. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    wait a minute! Avoiding misery is a good scheme in life. However, single and lonely do not have to go together.;) Single and circumspect is a good combination.
     
  10. Anjali483

    Anjali483 New IL'ite

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    Thank you all for being so patient and giving your feedback.
    I have been fighting with myself over this. When we have a normal conversation for 15 minutes, I feel I am just over reacting...
    He is definitely not asexual, he watches **** and we have been intimate after deciding to get married.
    I found some online source saying, feelings for your better half will improve when guys stop watching ****. Not sure if this is a problem either. He absolutely has no filter, so he himself told me he watches ****.

    I dint want to rush any time into marriage, I thought I will move to his city, before getting married.
    I have been single for a long time. But I was so looking for companionship , some one to share my day with. With whom I can have a normal family.

    I have spoken to lot of guys through matrimonial website before. I came across all scary / weirdo guys. That makes me nervous to break down what I have now.
    I think I will just put a pause on making any drastic changes and see how things go for a month or so, before making a decision.
     

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