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Problem With Younger Cosister

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Trustcarelove, Dec 12, 2016.

  1. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Your BIL and co sis have a big sense of entitlement. When they need you shud come, when don't need shudnt bother them. Do not bend over backwards to be on their beck and call. Oh my are you a superwoman to lug both kids for 3-4 hrs journey to do the 16th day thing. And how can your BIL just call you to do that. Is he not capable.

    You need to come back to reality and see the bigger picture. You need to concentrate on yourself and your kids. Not extended family. If he(BIL) needs help he needs to ask politely whether you can spare time and come. Not just order you around. Arent you the eldest DIL. Arent you BIL's Bhabhi. He needs to respect the title and person to get favors. He cant boss your around to do something. Forget your husband, next time he tells you to do or come somewhere point blank say no. Even if you are free and can do say no. If hubby asks say you have project at work.

    You dear lady are setting unreasonable expectations. Not to mention your kids are seeing everything.Your BIL and co sis need to be put in place. You need to get a hold on reality and say enough. Take one step at a time.Good Luck.
     
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  2. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you Chocolate. The problem is I have been adjusting and forgo certain things for the sake of sanity of the relationship. Even with my PILs, but now that it is too hard to take it more and trying to stand up for myself, these things happen..
     
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, You need to draw the line somewhere. Everybody is taking you for granted. Your hubby , your BIL, your co sis , your IL's. Where will it stop. Brush off and take a look at yourself. You cant be pulled everywhere.You cant please everybody at all times. What do you like? Do you like to paint, draw, dance. Take a class. Your mind will be rejuvenated and you will think clearly. You need to put a stop to satisfying everybody.You are literally falling apart and you don't realize it. Start with one. Say no to one. Hubby says no to makeup. Say you are grown independent woman and you want to do it. That's it. Nothing else. Next BIL calls you pick up the call and say no. If he asks why , say you have to tend to your kids for once and be their mom.Start with a small step.

    Think about it. 20 yrs from now. You will continue with what you are doing . Will your IL's BIL hubby say they had a wonderful, DIL, wife and SIL. Absolutely not.Forget wonderful will they say you were good. Is it worth it.Good Luck.
     
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  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    When relationships are strained like they are in ur case its best to plan visits carefully.
    The first few days most parents are not ready to handle visits. I understand u were really eager to see the baby and I would have probably done the same but hold off in future when ur BIL/co-sister makes a request and asks u to postpone the visit for a couple of weeks.
    This is a sensitive issue and ur excuse rather weak. Unless u dont normally drive on freeways long distances etc ...missing an event like this is bound to blow up esp when ur BIL is notorious for that.
    My grandmas words of wisdom..."Never miss imp events/ceremonies. Make sure atleast one in the family attends...esp when the relationship is strained."
    For everything else keep them at an arms length.
     
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  5. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, I completely agree with what you are saying. The space is what we wanted to give during the initial stages, we have been through it and we know how much it is important.

    The thing here if we postponed the trip for 2 weeks, the problem would have been much bigger because they accused us for not being there to help them with the delivery part..not just the 16th day thing..Infact my husband after the baby shower talked to me about it...i told him, i can go stay there and take care..but check with them first what they need..

    I told my office, i may take 2-3 days off once the baby is here,...that was the plan..

    but when she was in labor and they went to the hospital, my husband told me..let the baby born , then we can go..

    When my husband called to say we are coming, we will stay there for 2-3 days...then he said, no help needed this time..since he has taken couple weeks off..so we told them we are coming, we went there, saw the baby..she was struggline with feeding..i was helping her for 2 feedings when i was there 4-5 hrs...

    when my husband pointed out that "you were the one asked us not to come" , for that he replied "even if i say , don't come, you should have come"...

    My thought is, if they wanted help, they should tell that they can;t handle and they wanted us there..they didn't do that and blaming us...


    Then regarding the 16th day event, it is very simple home thing we do...if it was in India, that is different story as the mom and the baby will not touch anything in the house until that day..they wash everything..basically cleansing...

    Getting blamed for this...I feel too much...

    As chocolate said in her recent post, i started feeling like always pleasing others and never point out what i wanted...with all the recent happenings with my inlaws and BIL family, i felt that's it, i feel that they take me for granted for everything..but wanted to do minimal for the sake of decent relationship to continue..

    Anyways i get where your thoughts are coming from..I completely agree..
     
  6. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    @Trustcarelove I think maybe it's time to back off completely. As the elder DIL, you have done your bit. You and your husband need to be on the same page for this. Talk it over and explain to him that although you are willing to help, you feel like they are taking advantage of the fact that you are bending over backwards to help them. Your husband needs to understand this and stand up for both of you. This shouldn't be too hard since it sounds like he too is irritated by this dumb behaviour - seriously, who says don't come and then gives you a hard time for not coming?!
    Let your husband do the talking - tell them, we are here, tell us when you need us and if it is within our power, we will help. Other than that I think you guys should back off completely - I don't mean cut contact, I just mean don't offer to help, don't offer to visit. Hope this helps!
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2017
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  7. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    when my husband pointed out that "you were the one asked us not to come" , for that he replied "even if i say , don't come, you should have come"...

    I'm still fuming about this one! What planet are they living on?!!
     
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  8. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    They are just finding excuses to somehow drag u into this unnecessary fight...u have done more than ur fair share trying to make it work. Let it go. Its just not worth it.
     
  9. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, One thing to mention to everybody like BIL- '' We are not available for your beck and call "" . Your BIL is arrogant ,rude and point blank selfish with inflated ego. How can he say even if he said not to come you shud come. Are you and hubby their personal maid service. You both at the same time, feed his disgruntled behavior full time. You need to realize you have a life of your own and your kids to tend to.Forget preaching your BIL and co sis. You both need a real dose of get down to earth and think of your own family dose.

    Was the 16th day thing so great that your BIL cant do. It was cleansing the entire house. Was it so hard his highness cudnt do it. He is on power trip and you let him be.Come down to reality soon. I hate to see that a smart woman like you can be easily used as a see saw. Good Luck.
     
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  10. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you Neeraja. Its been more than 10 days now, I have started to come out of it slowly, eventually things will build up once they are back in their old place, they will come visit and we may have to go..I am just trying to be calm to see how things are going.
     

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