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Should Dils Keep Guilting Themselves Forever?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Naari, Jul 14, 2017.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    @ConfusdDiL ....what you said wasn't wrong but you could have told him you people want her to go meet her sister before the baby comes and every one gets busy.

    Your fil is a creep for discussing his sex life with you :eek:
    Feel bad for your poor mil. Even at this age she has to be scared of her mil and husband. Give her a hug and send her to her sister for a few days . She seems to miss her.

    :beer-toast1: for the trip .
     
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  2. ConfusdDiL

    ConfusdDiL Senior IL'ite

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    I felt the same but out of fear of her husband she shows interest before me and talks to him like I am forcing her. :weary: I wanted to send her to her sister's place but she is too afraid to go without her husband's permission. I asked my husband what to do, he said if she is so much afraid we can't force her, she has to do it with her own free will or deal with her boredom on her own.

    Well my FIL didn't exactly discuss his sex life but yeah lot of sex related topics like sex in ancient hindu mythology, extra marital relationships, incest in mythology and why it was not considered as wrong, lot of sex related topics like we would talk to our close friends. That's why in the first place I thought it was okay to talk to him directly; thinking he is an open minded person. It backfired :mad:
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    :fearscream::mad::mad::roflmao::roflmao:.what to say
     
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  4. ConfusdDiL

    ConfusdDiL Senior IL'ite

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    Well we would have done that long time ago but she is too afraid to go without her husband's permission. I even offered to go along with her so that nobody blames her, she refused. She shows interest before me but the moment she talks to my FIL she says that we are forcing her and she is not interested :neutral:. Everyday she will be on phone with her sister for 4 to 5 hrs.

    I asked my husband what to do , he said if she is willing he would happily buy the ticket but can't force her if she is so much afraid to go against her husband's wish. We are compromising on our privacy and she is compromising on her desire to meet her sister.

    My MIL is not all good she has her own set of bad qualities like gossiping about others, always talking bad about someone and stuff like that, that's not a big issue to me but I still pity her coz she has been so much suppressed in her life that now even when freedom is served in a plate she is not able to grasp it.
     
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  5. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    So my question to all you DILs is:

    1. What really are the obligations of a DIL to PILs where they don't get along, but she does not want to feel guilty?
    2. In such a case, where the 2 parties (DIL and PILs) are at a distance, no active harm is being done by either, should the DIL still guilt herself for being unable to improve / make the relationship better? What can be done?



    In response to the first question: I wouldn't say that I don't get along with my PILs, rather that we have differing personalities and priorities.
    Having said that, in the initial years of my marriage, my MIL gave me a really hard time because I was different to what she wanted for her son. She didn't think I was good enough for her son or her family and didn't waste a single opportunity to make that obvious. I used to keep quiet and put up with all the crap she came out with because of the way my parents had brought me up - to not disrespect elders and to maintain my own respect and dignity when faced with such situations.
    My way of dealing with my MIL changed due a number of incidents whereby my parents and family were insulted, really badly - so much so, that they have now stopped visiting my home. She also behaved appallingly when I was pregnant and just after I'd given birth.
    I have always believed that respect cannot be demanded, it has to be earned. My PILs had my full respect in the initial years of my marriage and I often made a fool out of myself trying to make them happy. But they lost my total respect the day they insulted my parents and my family, not just once, but over and over again. So now I am like you, I maintain a distance, I'll check in on them regularly and whenever they visit I'll go out of my way to make them comfortable but I do not expect anything from them and I certainly don't make an extra special effort in maintaining my relationship with them.
    Which brings me to your second question: No, I do not feel guilty about reducing contact with my ILs, they do not respect me and they have never treated me like a DIL - I am not just some random stranger living in their house to cook and clean! I am the wife of their son, mother to their grandchildren! They don't see me that way.
    Do I feel guilty about cutting them out? No, but I do feel really sad and lonely when I see how well other people treat their DILs. It makes me sad that I'll never have that.
     
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  6. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    Hi,
    I'm not sure about background but one thing I have learned in my life is distance makes relationship better. If you cannot co-exist in India I'm sorry but it would be really difficult to lead a life without conflict in USA. One thing I have done in my life is to think my relationship with my in-laws reflect my position in society.Over time I have come to conclusion for relationship to work 2 people have to come together. Otherwise we will end up with lot of resentment for the sake of society. Just let it go. Time is a great healer. You have better chance of rebuilding relationship in India trip than inviting them as guest to US
    Thanks,
    Mangaii
     
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  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @ConfusdDiL, your MIL is not a minor in your care. She doesn't need a permission slip from her DH and she most certainly does not need you to get it for her. Your DH made the right call: If MIL wants to visit her sister, buy her a ticket.

    You have known your ILs for a relatively short while, your DH has known them his whole life. Trust his judgement and let him manage all communication with your FIL.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes for a happy healthy baby. :)
    .
     
  8. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies & also for sharing your stories! I will take each of your perspectives into consideration & decide wisely! Guess this is a super complex topic & if we all had a simple, straight, unanimous answer to this topic, then India would be one happy place on earth, right? ;)

    But I am really happy to get some opinions & wisdom on the topic for now. ..thank you ladies, you rock :clap2:
     
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