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Infuriated That Useless People Cannot Respect My Boundaries

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by ChennaiExpress, Jul 1, 2017.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Tagging @Umanga

    Ok, I am really infuriated that I have difficulty for making people respect my boundaries.

    Common pattern is they are very useless to society (otherwise why are they bothering people, they can try to improve themselves, especially in USA where there is access to free high-speed internet, free courses, free open-source software, etc, etc)

    Example 1

    There is a lowlife that sells newspapers at the train station. He says hello to people and talks to people. And when he asked me for hi-5 I was very scared to say "go away, get lost" else he would become violent and police would do nothing (hell, people, actually few Indian ladies blame me for my abusive marriage and say it's my fault because I wanted someone I was attracted and liked).

    This went on for about a year till I saw an unrelated video where a tough-talking presenter told a college student, "say no, you are an adult"

    Then gradually I pulled away from that useless person on the subway. He thought I stopped with hi-5 because I am Muslim and it's Ramadan.

    Now when I walk past I try to ignore. If person says hi, I will politely say hi, but really, I don't want trouble, I don't want to have to call police. There is no reason I should feel harassed and bothered when I go to work. It's one thing to say "Good Morning", it's another thing to overstep one's boundaries.

    And the yuppies I live around are so stupid, they talk and converse with this person. They expose their children to this person. I mean goodness, just to go work, take your kid to school. You don't know who this person is. Don't you educated morons watch the news or do you just play Pokemon on your smartphone all day???


    Example 2

    I am proud employee who works in local government and really enjoy the tasks. The work is self-paced learning, innovation is really motivating and fulfilling. It's therapeutic and inspiring and lot of days I look forward to going to the office.

    Unfortunately there is this one jerk who does not respect boundaries. He says "Good Morning" which is fine, but he talks and talks and talks. Then he complains that management is bad, and how does management expect people to work when they are so bad. Of course he is a permanent government employee who is difficult to fire, earns nearly a third of what I earn.

    I try to be polite and cordial but yesterday he was calling my name continuously while I was working at my cubicle. I pretended to ignore him because he is good-for-nothing and wastes time. Today when he said yesterday he called me, I pretended I did not know.

    Today I was super busy doing the work I am being paid to do (plus I can easily get fired where as this jerk has nothing better to do, and can distract others from their job and get them fired) and he started calling my name again several times. Again I ignored and ignored.

    This time the moron comes to my cubicle and says he was calling me. I was under lot of pressure and trying to meet a deadline and told him if he has something important to say then send it in an email. Then he said he came to say "Good Morning". I told him in a quick paced voice, "Thank you, Good Morning". Then I turned away to do my work and he continued talking. Then I said I am very busy doing my work and then the bastard replied that I am being uptight.

    Who the hell invited him to my cubicle. WTF did I ever come to his cubicle?

    Really I was struggling to control my temper and anger at this useless son of a bitch and then I repeated that I am busy with my work.

    Finally the moron went away.

    This a$$h0l3 looser is in the good books with my jealous supervisor, he is permanent at the job whereas my job isn't that stable (not yet anyway).

    Plus both are from the same culture.

    Honestly my supervisor is threatened by me and doesn't appreciate my work but I honestly don't care because the executive management has an open-door policy so when I have something presentable, I can approach then.

    Really, I don't want to file a harassment complaint because it will blow out of proportion, I will get blamed, and worse of all, I will be pulled away from the work that gives me some peace of mind.

    How do I handle the situation if this brain-dead moron bothers me again?

    I am really pissed right now.


    I really want to learn to establish boundaries.

    Few days ago I cried about being unable to let go of past guilt and you guys gave wonderful advise. You also encouraged me to be brave and approach different people.

    How can I bravely go up to someone in a social setting, or perhaps a professional conference with (generally) like-minded people who wish to improve themselves when I need help setting up boundaries.

    Please suggest me. If I know I can confidently establish boundaries, then I can bravely talk to people, and protect myself from those who are disrespectful and continually enroach.



    Thank you for reading all this.
     
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  2. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks. Shall respond when I have an appropriate solution. :)

    In the mean time, you can explore the sub-reddit for introverts.
     
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  3. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Introverts, eh?


    Thank you for the link, shall research.
     
  4. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    Don't tell me you are hearing about the concept for the first time.

    You strike me as a classic introvert.
     
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  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    LOL I've heard if introverts before ... I never thought I could be one.

    in a perfect world I would love to laugh and talk with people.

    I tried this last year when I joined Toastmasters. Unfortunately no one wanted to be friendly (and there were one or two mean aunty age ladies who luckily stayed away while I was President of the club).

    Then I though to myself maybe God wants me to be alone and try to improve myself, i.e. I'm trying to write a technical book.


    Honestly I never thought of myself as introvert ... perhaps socially awkward for which I am trying to compensate with creating beautiful art, books, etc :)
     
  6. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    When I call someone an introvert it is the highest compliment I can give them.

    Once you start going through that sub, I have a feeling you shall recognise yourself.
     
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  7. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    LOL ;)

    Very well ... I am going through it shortly.
     
  8. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    :)
     
  9. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    I think that this is a problem every one faces with some other person. Key is how one handles it. Next time, think of such situations as a chance to practice, and you can use it to improve your skills at setting boundaries.

    It usually involves being true to yourself, and kind to the other person at the same time. For instance, if you don't like making small talk with a particular person, tell him - I am rather busy now, and I would like to hear what you have to say a little later, when I am caught up on work, and not distracted. Say it with finality, and a smile. And try going to them when you are free. Take care to meet at neutral locations - cafeteria, water cooler, tea break etc. but never at his desk, and in group, with your other colleagues, if you are not comfortable with meeting him alone. Looks like this person is only trying to be friendly, and I think you should try to be friendly with him too, if it doesn't bother you too much. Best to maintain friendly relations with coworkers, even if they are annoying. Besides, he is close to the boss, you don't want him saying negative things about you.

    Filing complaints against coworkers can backfire, and should not be contemplated, until absolutely neccessary.

    Regarding the subway incident, I think there is a cultural difference between Americans and Indians regarding greetings, what is considered friendly etc. Also, I think this newspaper seller might have been a little too friendly to get people to buy from him. Don't worry too much about it. You should project confidence, and say something like - Have a nice day and be on your way, if he makes you feel uncomfortable. Don't show you are scared.

    I hope those ladies are not blaming you now. If they do, just tell them calmly, I don't wish to discuss such personal things with you. Don't discuss your relationship problems at the workplace. Otherwise, people may blow it out of proportion.

    Let us know how it goes.
     
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  10. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    So far the idiot from work doesn't get a clue no matter how much I ignore.

    If he wants to be friendly let him go to a bar and pick up women. I go to work to pay the bills and improve my prospects, not to see this a$$h0le.

    If the shoe were on the other foot and I am trying to overstep boundaries to be friendly with an older man believe me, I would be fired.

    This almost happened to me nearly 10 years ago.

    At the time I was oblivious to the fact that I was overstepping my boundaries and angering people. But if this son of a bitch distracts me from my work and I file a complaint it would make things million times worse ----- for me.


    Today I walked past him without saying anything and he says, " hey, hey someone I know walked right by without saying anything." I ignored him because he's a moron.

    I understand cammradrie amongst coworkers but he is not our coworker ... he is in a different branch of our team, does work unrelated to us and makes my productivity suffer. Next time he confronts me I am not going to mince words in telling him we are here for work and his coming to me is not unwelcome.

    I really wish to avoid escalation because my boss has looking for excuse to fire me ... if this person continually distracts then my productivity suffers and if I complain my productivity also suffers.

    This ingrate is a permanent govt employee who cannot be fired easily. I am not permanent therefore I can be given the boot anytime.

    My only fault was bring friendly in a toxic environment in the first place ... As soon as I realized lot of people are merely tolerating my I shut up and focused more on the work at hand.


    I'm just so upset thinking about this because like I say if the shoe is in the other foot the woman will be treated like **** (regardless of culture, nationality)


    As for person in subway who sells newspaper I am keeping my fingers crossed. maybe he knows I can call police and complain...... or he simply wants to sell newspapers and not upset anyone.


    I just wish to be respected, not trampled upon. If someone don't like me I get a clue and leave them alone. if some jerk has nothing better to do he will keep pestering and harassing.


    Now there is an older man who regularly speaks at professional conferences I attend and I wish to speak with him professionally ( I also like him but I will not tell him!) if I overstep my bounds and show unwanted attention, God knows how he would react! I'm almost thinking to the extent don't even go up and talk to him.

    See with these things sometimes I wonder if happiness is only for males while females don't have a right to ask for happiness or any sort of peace

    By the way thus is in USA, not India (God know what type of hell people deal with over there)


    We lost touch with the ladies who were happy my marriage was destroyed and blamed me. Good riddance!


    And I learned to keep my private life out of workplace. Believe me, I did!
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2017

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