1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Conversation With Dh Always Turning Serious - Even For Petty Issues

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MahiSree, Jun 23, 2017.

  1. MahiSree

    MahiSree Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    557
    Likes Received:
    279
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi ladies,

    Seeking your sincere advice.
    Our family - Me, DH, DS, MIL,FIL.
    Like most of us, I too face issues with my in-laws. But we would become Ok after a day or two. (Nowadays, am trying to ignore most of these issues)

    Recent days, whenever I and DH converse over phone or on face, we end up in argument.
    I don't know whether my way of communication is not that effective to avoid arguments.
    This is happening from the beginning, but I feel its getting intensified now.

    Both our working hours are different and we get minimal time to be together at home except for weekends. Weekends, mostly, he would wake late or will have his own set of priorities which he'll not compromise.
    But he takes me and DS out too if DS demands or if he feels so. (I would not demand knowing that it would be denied.)

    We get very less time to talk. Whenever we talk, we argue and I endup crying not knowing how to respond so that he understands my point.

    I am not sure how I had spend 9 years together with him with all the blames put over me at the end of all conversation.

    Though I put a lot of effort to avoid this, I really couldn't.

    I agree that I am emotional, sometimes forget things. But he is taking advantage of that and making me feel that I'm the culprit.

    I am very much upset that my DS is growing seeing this. I dont want him to set a bad image of his dad in him.
    I've longed for those sweet talks with DH but later understood that it would never happen. But at least, let it not end in arguments.

    Could you please tell me how can I avoid this? How can I correct myself? How to make my DS understand that Dad & Amma are having a healthy or sweet conversation only?

    Thanks in advance friends....
     
    Babyhope86 and Purple2017 like this.
    Loading...

  2. deeprapriya

    deeprapriya Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    393
    Likes Received:
    285
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,

    Why dont you try silent treatment??????....when you know that the talk is turning to be an argument, just go on mute..... he will understand.... and he will eventually change....this has helped me.... Just avoid the situation, which brings argument mode..... if it still happens, dont say anything when he argues, how long he can argue alone.... he will come back later.... that time, you can say politely....
     
    MahiSree likes this.
  3. MahiSree

    MahiSree Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    557
    Likes Received:
    279
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks deeprapriya for your advise.
    I have tried this. If I am silent, he would keep on talking and asks 'Why r u keeping quiet, as though you're listening to my words'. With the tone he talks, it'll be more hurting.
    Anyways I'll do this
     
  4. Hansa78

    Hansa78 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    46
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Sometimes, husbands try to find faults in their wives and criticize them unnecessarily when they are having a tough time professionally. When they are not able to vent out their frustration at their boss or colleagues, they try it on their wives. This might be one of the reason.
    So you dont have to justify yourself in the arguments, just try to stay calm when he is fuming. I know it is not easy, you will literally feel like a door mat when people try to use u like a door mat to vent out the frustrations they have.
    But, it is very important to talk to him when he calms down and find out the reason for his unpleasantness.
    Tell him this is ruining your relationships.. if he's short tempered he needs to take up meditation or jogging which will help him burn out the negativity in him.
    You have not mentioned your son's age. You can always explain to him age appropriately, that mom and dad are arguing just the way he does with his friends while playing. And soon they will be friends again.So he shouldn't be scared or worried about it.
    You please try to stay happy and keep smiling....
     
    Naari, Babyhope86 and MahiSree like this.
  5. MahiSree

    MahiSree Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    557
    Likes Received:
    279
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Hansa78 for the soothing words.
    I agree that he's undergoing a tough phase at his work place. But I am also sailing on the same boat.
    working for 12+ years with not much recognition or rewards or promotions. Where could I vent out all these?

    At least he has got his parents who empathize when he vents out. But even I say a bit of my problems, they would pretend as if I am talking to the wall. Be it my office problems or health issues, no one would even ask how am I feeling.

    You wont believe, I would come to office how sick I am. At least that I could take rest at dorm.

    My son is 8yrs now. I would always tell him that his Dad loves you (DS) and me (Mom) so much. Donno whether he understands
     
    Naari likes this.
  6. Purple2017

    Purple2017 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    148
    Likes Received:
    184
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    This seems to be common nowadays when both are working....it happens because priorities are different within the limited time...there will be clash....may be more intimacy is required for coolness..
     
  7. Babyhope86

    Babyhope86 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    66
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi @MahiSree ,

    All are passing clouds.. Please be calm and keep going.

    I can't imagine how are you managing for 9 so years!! my GoD...

    I am also facing a quite similar kind of situation.. I'm married for 3 n half years..
    My DH is like an Anniyan character... At one point of time he will be cool, loving and so surrendered.. But when he comes back from office/field work / any calls regarding office he transforms into another character and pours all his agony on me.. even a small usual talk to him also seem to him like I'm arguing and he shouts like anything, as if I'm a doormat..!

    It was very difficult for me right from my 1st month of marriage to see his one side..
    Whatever hurts me I share everything with my parents and they only console me saying it is his born character,that can't be changed and we got to adjust and ignore what he vents in anger.

    So my kind suggestion is, try to concentrate on your dear son more and spend time with him as
    it will be a diversion..

    Whenever he gets angry or u feel he is commanding, try to submit by not agreeing but by being silent and ask sorry.. that's all..

    And the highlight is when he is in a cool mood, should suitably bring the issue and enlighten them how his behaviour is spoiling your relationship.
    It takes some days for him to change, but he will see the change in you and reconcile with you as normal.

    Cheers..
     
    MahiSree likes this.
  8. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,807
    Likes Received:
    5,249
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    What's up with the men here unleashing their work related tensions on their wives? Such a poor way to handle stress,plus what about maintaining work life balance and leaving work issues outside the door. Women have stress at work but that doesn't stop them from being loving mothers and wives ( and DIL's) etc.
    Have a talk with the husband if he cares to listen . If not , OP and the other lady with a similar issue, focus on yourself and the child . Don't waste your time and energy arguing, try to seek happiness within yourself. Fulfill his basic needs like food but nothing beyond . Keep yourself busy and happy .Eventually the husband will realize his mistake I hope or he can seek solace in his parents.
    Women also need to set rules early on in the marriage as to what is acceptable and what is not. If the husband has anger issues, he should seek treatment.
    Children can sense the stress between parents , so the husband being good to the son has no value if he treats the wife poorly.
     
    MahiSree and Naari like this.
  9. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    665
    Likes Received:
    798
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I stay with in-laws. I can understand what you are going thru. I hardly get 5 mins time to talk to him on any day. Weekends go by fast with him resting or trying to finish off errands related to house. Being with his family makes it worse cuz we feel that he is being pampered for the work he is doing and our work at office and home is going unnoticed. We get tired too and a small appreciation goes a long way in giving us little bit of relief.
    For your problem, your kid will be fine as he is seeing a real family life and not a rosy picture. Your son has you, your h , mil and fil to use his time. Dont worry.
    Its you who needs some rest and recognition. How is ur office work? Are you getting good rewards and perks? Do you spend time with friends?
    Either plan to spend time with H in diff ways like grocery shopping together, going in same vehicle together to office, etc. OR find happiness temporarily somewhere.. like in friends, work, hobby etc. once you get some peace of mind, then think abt how to improve ur married life.
     
    MahiSree and Naari like this.
  10. Paviwetheart

    Paviwetheart New IL'ite

    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Even I'm facing same with my husband. Having a 8 month old, this phase of life is so tough. But seeing kids face we gotto be brave n matured. Even my husband shows each n every frustration on me. Sometimes I feel very low. But my happiness lies in the face of my daughter. So I just let go everything.
     

Share This Page