Feeling Very Resentful...

NeerjaC · Jun 18, 2017

bruised234 said: ↑

I am asking independent of your post, I am also feeling resentment right now, should I let it go or bring it up? I feel DH does not ask my opinion in things if I don't contribute monetarily, if I do, he asks but does not heed my opinion. Is this how a relationship should be? No communication whatsoever unless I insist on it, and that also if it convinces him, otherwise it is his judgement. It is like he does not care for my likes and dislikes, the reason being "I don't have a brain" most of the time. I don't know if I am an indifferent, selfish person, who is at fault here. From the past three years, I am trying to let it pass but the resentment is just growing. I know for my sanity's sake it's better I let it go, but sometimes I wonder, just how much can I take as a person? When, just when will he realize what he is doing? Or is it that I am myself so selfish that I am getting what I deserve? Am I just seeing the bad in him and not trying to do anything good? Maybe, otherwise I wouldn't be suffering like this. Maybe it is me who is causing grief to myself. I know I can't do much, so why, why can't I have a peaceful sleep instead of bothering about anything? Does independence mean, "don't ask, don't tell" policy. So if I want something, I just go grab it for myself and do it instead of asking for anyone's opinion, is that what it is? It feels taxing to have to fight for anything, every single thing needs a lot of thinking, if I have to go somewhere, I need to be convincing, if we need to get something, I have to give the "right" reasons, for every single thing, there is a lot of thinking involved. I am wondering even if I grew up the wrong way a lot of times, considering the drama I get to see when his friends' wives manipulate their way to get things done. Is relationship nothing but manipulation? That's what it feels like to me now.
Click to expand...

@bruised234
Resentment isn't something that appears overnight, it builds up over a long period of time. It starts with a breakdown in communication, followed by the constant feeling that your husband does not appreciate you, does not see the amount of effort you put into the simplest things just to make him happy, doesn't see you and listens to you but doesn't hear you. This is how it was for me. It was a slow build up that eventually led to me resenting even having to make dinner for my husband. I was angry at the way I was dismissed and ignored, sometimes I felt like I might as well be part of the furniture for all the notice he took of me.
But this wasn't entirely his fault. It was mine too. I did not look out for me first, I did not demand respect and acknowledgement from day 1. I used to "let things go" and "adjust" because that is what I have been taught from my childhood - to not rock the boat, not get in the way, not to antagonize people by demanding to be treated as an equal. Get married and stay married is the mantra most Indian girls are brought up with!
After 7 years I have started to take control of my life. I put myself first, and it makes me look selfish but I don't care. If I want to do something, I'll do it - with or without him. Of course I tell me what I am doing and where I am going and I'll ask him if he wants to come. I'll ask once, I'll ask twice. Then I'll go on my own.
As I've said in my previous post, the most important thing I did for me was to figure out how to make time for myself. In my case, it's first thing in the morning, before anyone is awake. I'll have one, sometimes two cups of coffee, sit on the sofa and watch the sun come up and plan my day in my head. And when I am planning my day, I am not thinking about anyone else. I am thinking about what I want to accomplish from my day - not what my children want or my husband wants.
One of the most important things I've realised in these past few months is that I love my husband dearly. He is the one true love of my life. Every time I've sat down and thought about leaving him, I try to imagine my life without him and I simply can't. So I've settled for the alternative - to work on my marriage, to find the man I fell in love with and to be the woman that he fell in love with.
I'm about half way there, I have good days and bad days but the most important thing that helped me was letting go of my anger. The second thing that helped me was not giving a damn about what anyone thought of me (and that includes my in laws), I do what is right for me and my family - my husband and my children.
@bruised234 You don't have to fight for anything. You just need to love yourself and believe in yourself. Marriage should be about teamwork - it needs to be based on love and mutual trust. If either is missing then it makes it very hard to make things work. I don't know your full story but I hope what I have written about my own experiences will help you figure things out a little....

bruised234 · Jun 23, 2017

NeerjaC said: ↑

@bruised234
Resentment isn't something that appears overnight, it builds up over a long period of time. It starts with a breakdown in communication, followed by the constant feeling that your husband does not appreciate you, does not see the amount of effort you put into the simplest things just to make him happy, doesn't see you and listens to you but doesn't hear you. This is how it was for me. It was a slow build up that eventually led to me resenting even having to make dinner for my husband. I was angry at the way I was dismissed and ignored, sometimes I felt like I might as well be part of the furniture for all the notice he took of me.
But this wasn't entirely his fault. It was mine too. I did not look out for me first, I did not demand respect and acknowledgement from day 1. I used to "let things go" and "adjust" because that is what I have been taught from my childhood - to not rock the boat, not get in the way, not to antagonize people by demanding to be treated as an equal. Get married and stay married is the mantra most Indian girls are brought up with!
After 7 years I have started to take control of my life. I put myself first, and it makes me look selfish but I don't care. If I want to do something, I'll do it - with or without him. Of course I tell me what I am doing and where I am going and I'll ask him if he wants to come. I'll ask once, I'll ask twice. Then I'll go on my own.
As I've said in my previous post, the most important thing I did for me was to figure out how to make time for myself. In my case, it's first thing in the morning, before anyone is awake. I'll have one, sometimes two cups of coffee, sit on the sofa and watch the sun come up and plan my day in my head. And when I am planning my day, I am not thinking about anyone else. I am thinking about what I want to accomplish from my day - not what my children want or my husband wants.
One of the most important things I've realised in these past few months is that I love my husband dearly. He is the one true love of my life. Every time I've sat down and thought about leaving him, I try to imagine my life without him and I simply can't. So I've settled for the alternative - to work on my marriage, to find the man I fell in love with and to be the woman that he fell in love with.
I'm about half way there, I have good days and bad days but the most important thing that helped me was letting go of my anger. The second thing that helped me was not giving a damn about what anyone thought of me (and that includes my in laws), I do what is right for me and my family - my husband and my children.
@bruised234 You don't have to fight for anything. You just need to love yourself and believe in yourself. Marriage should be about teamwork - it needs to be based on love and mutual trust. If either is missing then it makes it very hard to make things work. I don't know your full story but I hope what I have written about my own experiences will help you figure things out a little....
Click to expand...

I saw your reply, but I wanted to go through and not shoot something out of my mouth as I have been doing so far. I am usually the quiet girl, but off late I am so badly stressed or may be I have let myself loose to the extent to that I am shooting my mouth a lot. I completely agree with you on most points. My case is different though. My resentment started from day 2, I should say - the day after we got married. But things were slightly different then - I was young, immature but physically I was much better than I am now. I would never voice my insecurities even though DH behaved in a way that would hit most normal women on the face. Even now he continues to offend me in a manner that would break even the most tough people. Yes, I am also at fault, because I am not tough at all and yet I chose to bite the bullet. Had I not been so stupid and listened to my parents I would have been better off though maybe not happy, because happiness is a state of mind and is completely dependent on the person. It is not like I was brought up to not rock the boat, but I have seen 3-4 cases where women because of bad luck were just thrown out of the boat. Two were in the family, two I just happened to see. I can tell you all the 4 were pretty ugly and scary. The first case the husband died, the second case it was dowry the girl bailed out within 3 months unable to take the pressure, the third case was an accident - a pretty young woman almost a child bride who became a mistress to an old man because she had to leave her physically abusive drunkard husband, the fourth was someone I know, someone out of both insecurity and incompatibility got literally kicked out of her marital life. I could see how badly in all these cases the women suffered while the men made a quick exit of the scene. Except the first case, in all the other cases, the men made merry, no effect whatsoever on them. Yes, you are right. I have never laid down a plan for myself, even if I did, I never thought of how to execute it. I have a big problem in that I can't listen to people, I try to concentrate on what they are saying, but my mind just veers off, I tend to start thinking and I end up digesting very few details of what the other person said. Because of that I am having issues inside, outside the home. I feel underconfident due to that, sometimes I just don't know if the fault is with me or with the others. I hate the way DH talks to me, like I am some ****. Yes, just like in your case, the constant remark that I am not "doing enough" has made me go nuts. It seems like depression runs in the family since I have seen my father going into depression, my brother is right now a live example of depression, I have had my bouts and the only immune person in the family, my mom, is also sinking into the same. We are each unhappy for our own reasons. My father because he got a stroke, though he is not bed ridden, he cannot do certain things for himself and is unhappy for the same reason. It is not like he was vivacious before the stroke, he used to constantly complain and just like me, looks like he had a problem with listening to others. My mom though lively was constantly put down by him and yes, she too had this issue of being opinionated. Brother though vivacious and an extremely good listener was very ambitious and once his dreams did not work out fell into a very serious case of depression. Thereafter he started making bad judgements and he has not been able to get up and get going due to his mistakes. Mom is just pained seeing the three of us, she is tired of having to compromise too much although I think she has taken enough as a person. Unfortunately I am the only person to sympathize with her right now, my brother is dumping all his frustrations on her. There was a point of time when I was just happy with myself, but that was just temporary. I don't know why I am so sensitive off late, but I am slowly coming out of it. I hope I can carry forward although I feel just tired sometimes and feel like sleeping as much as I can. I am trying to let go off my anger, depression and negativity, but it has not been an easy ride for me. Yes, just like you, I love my husband deeply and that is the reason for my unhappiness, not being able to get his love and attention. Now I think maybe I should not expect it from him or anyone else but it is not easy to be like that, detached all the time. It is especially tough when I have to listen to him and treat him like a mentor when he is not exactly. I should be independent and fast acting and that it is where I am lagging behind

Log in or Sign up

Feeling Very Resentful...

NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

bruised234 Gold IL'ite

Share This Page