Bad Relationship With My H

Hi,

First of all calm down, this happens with everyone, it's just a phase, u need to control your feelings n emotions don't let negatively overrules u.
Always remember that, your daughter is ur first priority leave the rest(including hubby, kitchen, household stuff etc) try to spend maximum time with her.

Create a schedule and stick to it.

Try to play more with your daughter, this way u get more quality tym with her n she enjoys your company and feel happy with u.

Don't focus on discipline n other life skills at this point of Tym, only focus on increasing ur comfort level with ur daughter then she start understanding n respecting u.

Don't interrupt her very often, let her do few light stuff that she wants to do, allow her to make mistakes she will learn from them, observe her behaviour and before going to bed clamly discuss the matter.

Hope this all work.

 

As many already pointed out, you need a break from the kid's daily routine.

It is very common problem than you think with the kid, kids can be very manipulative to their advantage. Most households, one of them act secondary (usually men) and the woman sets the rule. In your house, looks like you are disciplining and he is not setting up an example of 'listen to mom'. That's the problem. He is making you a monster to pacify her, the girl seems to manipulate/sense the tension between the parents. Through a common friend or relative, explain to him about what is going on, how the girl is getting spoiled by him.

Your DH is immature/competing with you...in day to day life and that includes kid's attention/love.

It is unfortunate that mutual physical attraction is missing in your marriage. Only you could understand that part, why he is acting like this? There could be something else going on in the background, disappointment, money, past love life, frustration from parents or ILs.

 

I am going to be brutally honest with you in this post. You may not like me for this post ...but that's ok.
For your kid-
First and the foremost- take away the tablet. Replace the tablet with toys. Buy a kitchen set or tea set whatever your kid wants to play.

Second- Children learn from other kids ( good and bad) You need your kid to socialize with children of her age. Connect with mommies on FB or meetup. First few times it maybe hard on you( her tantrums). But keep doing it. She will get a hang of making friends.

Third- implement sticker reward system or 1,2,3 method.

fourth - don't always focus on the disciple. Sometimes accidents happen. Don't lose your cool with your child. Being a mom, this is the hardest part of knowing when to not lose cool and when to be hard on your child. At Least right now- I follow this- if anything of small value is destroyed. I have made up my mind to not lose cool ( in front of the child). I say something like ooh hoo!! With a stern voice. My DS knows that he did something bad.

EX- Not too long ago I had posted my frustration on IL that my DS threw unopened pickle jar. Lesson learned I locked up all my kitchen cabinets and I make sure I close it. Got him a pretend kitchen- where he plays with his kitchen set.He is not obsessed with getting into the REAL kitchen cabinets anymore.

Fifth- Play with your child. Spend time where you actually play, with their toys. This helps them to bond with you.

Sixth- Yes daughters at 2.5 are more attached to their dad, its a phase. It will pass. It is easier said, than done. Think about the future, where she will only come to you- if you are being cool with her now. She is going through Terrible Twos. Let her get the love, care from her father.

Seventh- after time out or 1,2,3 method there is a lot of tears. I make sure I don't leave my kid feeling guilty for long. I hug him or make him sit on my lap and tell him why he got the time out or what he can do better next time.
Trust me- he doesn't understand or he is going to be better in next 2 mins.
It's the routine for me- that I need to treat my child as a person who is feeling intense emotions and doesn't know how to communicate or handle it.
I want to be a good parent to my kid, being first-time mommy, everything is learnt or trial& error method or self-analyzing where I am doing wrong.

Eighth- If another incident happens where your husband disrespects you in front of the child- yells at you, argues or puts you down in front of the child. WALK AWAY. Just walk away. Take the house keys- go for a walk. Don't react, don't cry, don't do anything. Just leave. Just walking away will communicate that you were hurt.
Come back and patiently tell your husband that it is not ok to do that in front of the child. Everyone would have had a min for a breather- analyze the situation come to terms with it. Communicate exactly how you felt when your husband yelled at you. And please tell him not to do it again.
Trust me- your DD who loves your husband now is watching both of you. She will grow up, she will remember her childhood, she will analyze what went down. You basically have a judge and the judgment will be given years from now. Hope this makes sense.

Ninth- Your husband and DD are stressing you- Please take a breather, you need it. Do what you like the best- go for a spa, shopping, or not go anywhere just send them... pack daddy and daughter duo for a day and you take a break. Relax. Get your cool.
Tenth- Don't expect everything to change in 1 day- relationship with husband and your daughter needs work. If you are putting work into it, you will see a change.



About your husband-
First- a child can bring the couple closer or divide them. It's not the child's fault that she knows what buttons to push.
Second- Both you and your husband need to get it together. It's simply not Ok to lose it in front of the child or your husband using your daughter to get one additional vote for himself or yelling at you.
Third- Both of you love your child ( in your own way) You or him cant expect the other to only show love in the way you or he feels is the "right way".

Fourth- it looks like your husband is forgiving kind ( at least in the incident mentioned) Yes, he didn't have to deal with a crying toddler or clean up or handle the situation- he just came out and yelled at everyone made your daughter say sorry. Appreciate what your husband did- He is reinforcing that your DD needs to say sorry after an accident. Start with appreciating small things in your husband.

Let go of the notion how your father raised you. Your husband is a different individual who has his set of flaws and positivity. You need to make it work for your family, explain to your husband in a fashion he understands, he gets what you are talking about. You can't expect your husband to raise up to (your father level of patience) something he might not have been raised with an obliging father figure like yours.

Fifth- What do you want in this marriage? Think about this question for few days and decide what do you truly want.

You are not getting love, care affection from husband and daughter. This will eventually make you feel odd man out and you will resent your husband more that he doesn't do anything right but gets your daughters love. Your daughter will resent you, that you aren't as cool as your husband and you are the only one who doesn't understand or get her and she will see you as her obstacle. This whole thing being in a bad marriage for the child sake will destroy THE CHILD.

If you truly want a family- where there is tears & hugs, love & fight, want to see your daughter grow old to respect both you and your husband. Both you and your husband have to read go to parental counseling or be on the same page.

Parenting -is a partnership. If you don't see eye to eye on anything or willing to compromise for your child ( not by being together out of spite, but be together to compromise in raising your child) I suggest you guys not to be together. It does a lot of harm to your child than any good, all 3 are unhappy and resentful towards each other. Life is too short for all 3 of you to be unhappy.

I am sorry If I have hurt you.
Hugs things will get better.

 

OP,

Children learn best in a group of multi-age children. Our best instincts come out in a group where we have children older than us and younger than us. Younger so that we may nurture them and older so that we may learn from them. Try and find kids who are slightly younger than her (may be difficult as she herself is so young) and kids that are a few years older to her. Then have them play in a group. It is essential she is exposed to other children, not necessarily those of her age. I understand this would be difficult given all your problems and that fact that you are situated in the West but please try, it is best for your child.

If you would like to read more about this approach, see here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/files/attachments/1195/ajp-age-mixing-published.pdf