Need Suggestions. Is This Married Life Normal ?

rajatsingh · Nov 25, 2016

Lathasv said: ↑

I felt same as you. let's see the Op's response ....
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I will be surprised, if the OP comes back, to further the conversation !

kcb · Nov 25, 2016

I totally agree with @yellowmango

Having affair before marriage is not a sin, but not disclosing it to your husband is totally wrong.

OP, did you enter into this marriage heartfully? If not, have you ever thought you are going to spoil another person's life in the name of this marriage.

If you entered into this marriage willfully, then it's totally wrong to continue the talks with your ex, even though it's for giving a shoulder to him. Life is not a movie. Life is full of lot of emotions and feelings. If you were really concerned about your ex, then first of all you shouldn't enter into this marriage. You should have waited until your parents approve your relation with your ex. Or else, no marriage at all.

Your H's behavior is justified, reasons -

1. You didn't revealed your past to him, it was on going until the day of marriage, it was not an ended relation, so it was your responsibility to reveal everything to your H before marriage itself. If he rejects, then in a way it was good for you.
2. You entered into this marriage for your parents sakr as they are not approving your relation with your ex.
3. After marriage also, you continued your contact with ex. without the knowledge of your H.
4. When he found about your relation, again you gave him some lies saying that no physical relation (okay, this part atleast understandable, it's not easy to reveal). But you didn't tell him that you are still in contact with him.

What else needed for a person to get frustrated about a relation. For him, this marriage was built on a bag of lies. He felt cheated. Trust is gone totally.

Think from your H's position, how will you react if he did the same?

Coming to your current situation - talk to your H and give him confidence that you cut all the ties with your ex.

Also look for a job, because for me this marriage doesn't look normal and you need financial support if this marriage doesn't work.

speedvinzz · Nov 29, 2016

Thank you everyone for your words. This weekend being a long weekend, did not get a chance to visit IL. I have looked at the other post by a man but I think he may not be my husband. There's some similarity in both the stories but some facts are different.

I have blocked my ex on social networks, blocked/avoided our common male friends from college. My husband knows that I did it. I have been trying hard to gain his trust by doing all the possible things that I can do but I think he lost all his trust on me. I'm not boasting but in his friends circle, they call him lucky to get a wife who takes care so much and devoted. Everyone who sees us call us a perfect couple but little do they know the real situation. Then there are these minor things that may come off as lies (Not big but minor things in day-day life that I may have forgotten or told him differently in different times) that brings back the tension. He is good most of the times but whenever he sees some romantic movies/college movies/songs/other peoples affairs or love topics or even my ex's name on TV, he goes into this other state where he stays there for a day or two and indirectly says mean/taunting words to me. Situation is so bad that we completely stopped going to Indian movies. Only movies we watch together are horror/action. He regularly says that he does not see our marriage surviving another 5 years and tells me to get a job/build my career and be prepared for anything that might happen. He says that he has been wishing death since last few years in form of a accident/mugging etc. Most of these things he says when he drinks. He has lost focus in all aspects like personal care/health & even job. He has turned from a person who had aspirations for future to a person who his just abiding his time. Looking at all this, even I have become depressed and do not feel the urge to work on anything like myself, studies or job. Our life is like stuck in a rot.

But I think there is some good left in him because of which I still see some hope. For example:
No matter how mad he gets. he takes care of me when I get sick or not feeling well or during my menses. If we have to travel during my periods or my cramps are bad, he gets me chocolates, heating pads( I was not even aware that these things exist). Any health problems I have, he does research and suggests me things. Taught me driving, helped me with my studies, training. Never backed down from spending on my shopping. Recently he has been spending a lot of money on his own needs but earlier he used to spend more on me than himself. I have seen my friends who are here in US and not working whose husbands restrict their spending on clothes or type of clothes but he never did those things. Even after knowing my past and my physical relationship thing, he always spoke with respect to my parents though limited the conversations. Only after I told my parents and they called him to discuss these issues that he shouted at them. My parents after hearing full 'story' despise me now. I even have very good in-laws(No restrictions & more supportive than my own parents) but I get scared what might happen if they find out the truth. I just had the perfect life but just for my past. Looking at all the pain and hurt that I have caused to my parents, my husband, even my ex{He was a good guy too. I know some might despise me for saying this but this is true) & my own well being, there has not been a single day that I have not regretted falling in love or doing all the things that I have done. I wish that my past had not happened or if it happened, I should not have lied & married another person.

Once again thank you all for your words.

anika987 · Nov 29, 2016

Well...I don't know what to say..
Call me old fashioned but why would you want to maintain contacts with your ex???that too seperate email account?an ex is an ex for a reason.

He obviously is from a orthodox family and guys from families like those have a mind set which is different and traditional.you guys were happy until he came to know about your past.

Well let me put it this way.If I came to know my husband is in contact with his ex gf,will I be ok?I don't think I will
Mind.BUT if my hubby maintains a seperate account and has had physical relation in the past which he hid from me all these years,would I be ok??I would be devastated.

I am also from a traditional family and was a virgin until marriage and it would be tough for me to brush it off.not coz he had sex but he did not tell me before marriage and calls it a past?maybe it is past for him but not for me.

So it is tough on him.your hubby is not able to handle the shock well and he is splurging so much and thinking it is useless to be normal and wants an outlet.He does not know how to deal with his obviously.

You need to sort it out by gaining back his trust or with a counselor.

He did not divorce you based on these grounds.there are some I know who did.he is not a bad guy.Am I supporting him?maybe..but bygones bygones.undrerstand emotions from
His side too and start handling it.

Honest feelings sorry if I offended

BeingSoulful · Nov 29, 2016

speedvinzz said: ↑

Hello everyone,

I'am a regular follower of this forum and looking for your suggestions on my married life. Kindly bear with me as this could be a long post.

I have been married for 5 years(ARRANGED Marriage) and currently living outside of India. Before I tell my story, I would like to give a brief descripion of my husband's upbringing/past so that it would give you an insight on the reason and help me take a due course in my life.

My husband was brought up in a strict and orthodox family. My inlaws are decent people from middle class background who worked and sacrified a lot for their children. My husband right from childhood was a hardworking student and he is one of those kids who every parent dreams off and one who checks off on all the standards that indian parents look for. Ideal student, no bad friends/ no bad habits, no girl friends, always a topper, top university etc etc. He later moved overseas and started making good money. He too sacrificed a lot & built a big home for his parents & provided all luxuries like car etc for his parents. He lived for many years in US without Car, not spending on travelling, no expensive clothes, no personal comforts as he wanted to give his parents & family what he dreamed of. This I can tell based on what I heard from his relatives & my own interaction with him. He was kind of what his relatives wanted their kids to be like. We both are from same town and everyone said I was lucky to get him.

Coming to our marriage life, it was a very happy life for me right from engagemnet to marriage and first couple of months into marriage. He was a caring, loving & responsible husband. Everthing was just perfect. In short it was like living in a dream. Then everything came tumbling down and all because of my 'past'.

I was in a relationship with a guy from my college and it continued for a long time right until the point my marriage was fixed. We tried our best to get married but could not proceed due to parents opposition due to caste differeneces etc. My husband came to know about it and was upset. He questioned me & I accepted. During that conversation, I told him it's past and said that I was virgin and that I never did anything other than holding hands with my ex. But the truth was we did have physical relationship and I was still in touch with my ex(Just emails. No calls or chats. My ex was very depressed and I was just giving a shoulder to him to cry and giving him emotional support) But couple of weeks later, my husband foudn out the truth that we had physical relationship and was still in contact with him over emails. I used to maintain a separate email account to communicate with my ex. My husband was able to find out about it and had proof of everything like our physical relationship etc from that account. He was very depressed. He cried a lot but did not shout or hit me. He also found that I had one more BF in my school days. Eventually he got out of it or that's what I thought but that was not the case. He read all our emails after marriage, intimate chats before marriage, our intimate pics etc and was not able to forget them. He kept to himself. Later I found that he confided this whole thing to his trusted close person(not his parents) but that person just like everyone told him to keep this to himslef, that its's normal now-a-days and how past does not matter & only thing that matters is how I'm behaving with him now. I think this diturbed him more saying that even his side people are taking my side and not sympathetic towards him. We have been leading a normal life where we have happy days and not so happy days. Whenever something triggers him, he turns into this nasty person who talks sarcastically about my past and keeps bringing my past in a indirect way. But below behaviour is what is bothering me:

1. He has taken to smoking/drinking a lot. When I begged him to stop, he says "Now-a-days, this is normal etc etc"
2. Goes to late night parties with is guy frends on a regular basis. He replaced his Regular car with a very expensive Car. Spends too much on expensive clothes, $5000 watch, expensive vacations etc. In short he turned from a pauper guy who used to spend more on families comforts/luxuries to a a person who self indulges. Before all this happened, he had $100K in savings and was thinking of buying a house but he now, he has nothing as he spent everything on these unnecessary things. He had a plan for everything but now he does not think about future at all like house, kids etc.
3. He changed his tone on kids too. Initially we agreed on 2 kids. But now, he says 1 kid but that he has been delaying. We have been married for 5 years. I'm nearing my 30's but he says he is still not ready and wants 3-4 years. If I argue, he says "Now-a-days, this is normal to have 1 kid, have kids late or no kids at all". He sometimes says he does not want kids.
4. Though I'm a house wife, he used to help me with chores like cooking, cleaning dishes, vacumming, laundary etc. But now, he does not even put his coffee cup in sink. Though I can manage but I'm worried about his behaviour and wonder he will ever forget my past and come out of his bad feelings.

I even lost my parents trust & their support. I once bursted out to my parents after a fight I had with my husband and told them he came to know about my past and his change in his behaviour. I should not have done that. My father and my close uncle called and apologized to him and tried to reason with him and during their converstaion they sais something like 'This is common now-a-days but I know my daughter. She will never cross limits etc'. My husband then bursted out about my physical relationship and told them about my mis-adventures and how I was in contact even after marriage. My parents were shocked and now blame me for everything and say that they are ashamed of me. They simply say "You have brought upon your own problems. You deal with it".

Now, with no moral & emotional support, I dnot know what I have to do. Is there any chance of normal life with my husband. I still feel that depe inside of him, there is still that kind person and I just have to wait for him to get out of his depression. I suggested counselling/therapy but he says nothing is wrong with him and does not want to go. It has been more than 4 years that he came to know about my past and he still is stuck in that. May be my intimate pics, chats with my ex has dealt a blow to him. What should I do ?
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Your post says a lot about yourself & your husband. You both have your sides & views about everything that is going on in your life. Their is pain on both the ends. But your biggest mistake to all of this is you hiding the truth.

Transparency is the biggest strength of a marriage. The base of this relationship was built on a misleading lie. How can one expect a peaceful life when you started the relationship with wrong expectations/promises. Ask yourself how you would react/handle this situation if your husband did the same with you?

I agree you have accepted your mistakes and want to make things work. But let me tell you, it doesn't take too much effort to break one's trust. Takes lifetime to regain that trust back.

However, there is nothing that cannot be solved provided you make constant efforts in making this relationship work.

All the other ILs have provided the best of suggestions any friend/ family member could give. To the best of your knowledge, you would know how to implement those & deal this situation with your husband. Based on your description about him, he surely doesn't seem to be very hard, provided you make efforts wholeheartedly with purest form of love towards him. He needs you the most at this point of time, it can be much more than what you see on the surface. His behavior is just not because of your betrayal.

He needs a friend in you more than a wife. As I see all the symptoms of depression here. You need to think through all of this and take appropriate actions before its late.

My best wishes & prayers for you both!

BeingSoulful · Nov 29, 2016

pinky2cute said: ↑

Feeling Depressed With My Life. Need Suggestions Part 1

I feel this is the same couple....

I dont know i should ve posted that post link here but my genuine reason is if it is the same couple, i wish op read his post and understand his frustration that he conveyed along with what he hopes from his wife and work upon it.
Even if that poster is not op's husband, i still request op to read that post to gain an insight of how a man feels from his perspective and try to findout how to manage your husband n save your marriage.
Click to expand...

Glad you posted the link for the other post. After reading the post I felt the same.

sanya890 · Nov 29, 2016

Basically your husband needs another shock to come out of previous shock. Give him a reality check.

Make him sit and mention all the changes that you have been noticing in him. Tell him that you people are not living a normal life and it needs to be changed.

Tell him you are over your past long back and you can do anything to PROVE it to him.

And if he can still not forgive you, he has option to go out to other women and commit the SIN, if it makes the things balance out with you and makes him feel any better.
But as a wife who loves him and quite possessive of him, you will not take it but can live separately without informing parents back home.
He is free to live his life his ways, you will not come in between but it is too painful for YOU to watch him in pain as of now. And you will never, never stop loving him, because he is one who taught you the meaning of unconditional love.

Give him options to choose a life with you or without you. Tell him the only thing you want is his happiness because you are slowly dying out to guilt to spoil his life.
Tell him rather than waiting for our lives to end, we can try to live it happily. And if someone has to go first, you will pray that it should be your life so that at least your husband will get a peaceful life once you are gone.

Do not say anything after that, just leave the place and if possible remain serious, aloof, do not talk much for couple of days.
Make him feel that you are serious for what you said.

And when he will ask you about your quietness, demand an answer which option he has chosen.

shainy · Nov 29, 2016

OP,

I feel so sorry for your husband. He is suffering for no mistake of his. It is very hard for someone to move on after knowing about your past, especially for a person who has been brought up very orthodox all his life.

You cheated not only husband, but your parents too. I don't get one thing from your post. How can you enter into physical relationship with someone before marriage? That too when you are not sure about if you both would get married or not, because you might have known about your parents very well. Its unethical. May be if it would have been okay if you married your boy friend.

May be I am old fashioned. But in my view having past relationship( with physical relationship) is not normal. Not everyone does it.

It is hard for your husband to trust you ever. You didn't reveal your past to him before marriage. when he confronted, you lied that its only about holding hand , nothing beyond that. You didn't give the full picture even then. You told him the truth when he found out himself and confronted you. To me, it looks like you had to agree as he found out every thing, there is no way for you other than to accept the truth. I would never ever trust my spouse had he done the same thing.

Its all about karma. You past is haunting you now. You invited all your troubles and your husband's too. He didn't deserve all of this for the hard work he has done to be where he is today.

Sorry for being blunt. I just want to give my point of view.

Whatever it is, try to help your husband to come out of depression. All his thoughts are very depressive. Get him to counselling, he needs it badly. Tell him that his parents need him and they will be happy only if he is happy. Join him in a gym or make him to play with his friends.

You work really hard to get this trust and love back. Love him unconditionally. Show that in your actions, not words. Focus on completing your studies and getting a job. Try to be independent.

I really wish for a happy ending to your problem. Hope God gives the strength to your husband to forgive you and forget your past and start a new life afresh.

Dishaa · May 29, 2017

Hi,

After reading all the posts, I personally feel someone is revealing my life story.

I confronted my DH with all the proofs (hotel reservations and payments, photographs, legal documents for holidays). Till day he didn't accept the fact that he was physically involved with them even after marriage.

My in laws never supported me, they support their son.

SIL is married but still never leaves any chance to humiliate and disrespect me in front of her parents and no body bothers to stop her.

Whenever I try to discuss with my father about my problems he starts crying and falls sick, so can't even share my problems.

Yes I can feel what the OP husband is going through but at least he has his in laws for his support, if required he can even approach his parents even they will support him.

I feel myself suffocated (whenever I am with my in laws).

DH is trying his best to save our marriage (but still I have doubts) sometimes till day I check his phone records (I always inform him afterwards).

Its now nearing 2 years still pain is there.

Even I am not interested in separation so continuing with this marriage.

catwalk · May 30, 2017

OP, your DH is shattered. But he is still a good humanbeing and good friend.

Your stance is right too. You dont have to feel regret on anything happened in the past.

To regain your reputation and worthiness, you will have to plan your career seriously now. Learn some skills and try to reach at some good position. This could help you to resolve the problems in personal life.