1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Present But Absent Mom

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Rapzee, May 24, 2017.

  1. Rapzee

    Rapzee Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    First of all I should apologize in advance if this is bit too long, however I do believe in including as many details as possible for what I am about to share.

    Starting with the basics I am in my mid 20s, I didn't live with my parents from age 3-10, because they lived in a very small area in India with barely any schools and educational opportunities, therefore I lived with my aunt. In those 7 years my parents would come to meet me once or so a year. Maybe a phone call every few months kept us in somewhat of a touch. Heck I don't even think I have too many memories if any at all from those days of my parents. And knowing me there must've been nothing to remember otherwise I actually have a hell of a good memory.

    Finally few short months before I turned 11 my parents moved to The States for better opportunities and I moved with them. I thought I was the happiest person in the world to finally have my parents. I didn't realize it was all a illusion, because they started working so much I never got to see them at home. I started looking for that gap in other adults at school. Sometimes I would try to consider a teacher or a counselor or someone at the school as my parent. But that was always temporary. During my high school years I tried to commit suicide I think about 4 times. They were not present for my prom, homecoming, graduation or anything of importance. I think teaching me how to drive and buying my car was probably one of the only involvement they had in someway. It was always about materialistic things.

    It's safe to say I grew up in the states although I practically raised myself and all. I would often watch Indian movies and television shows more than I ever did American and that's how I ended up instilling Indian values in myself. Now in everyday life I always saw kids at school with their moms and dads. Saw the affection, the nurture. And I guess simple " I love you".

    Somehow I made it through all these years and accepted that I could never be daddy's little girl or mommy's princess. I don't know why not having a relationship my dad hasn't impacted me as much as not having a mother figure. Most girls love shopping, I on the other hand hate it because I hate seeing girls shopping with their moms and I have no one. Not having anyone to talk to about boys or crushes has been rough. Sometimes just wanting to go hug someone has probably been the roughest. I hate it when I see instagram posts from some of my coworkers of screenshot of their "I love you mom/I love you more baby" conversations with their daughters. I hate it, it breaks my heart more than I can put into words.

    So in the last few years I have started doing something that would kind of make me feel at ease a little. So let's say I watch a movie or a television show and I see a scene that had some kind of a "nurture/affection or just a mother/daughter talk" I would watch that repeatedly and try to picture myself as that girl. Some days it would make me cry, other days I smile a little knowing that for those few seconds I visioned myself as having a mom. And I do think Indian television made it probably the hardest for me. Because all the movies or tv shows I seen I saw that the girl's best friend was her mom. And if she didn't have a mom or whatever the case maybe some random lady took her in and now she had a "maa". I always thought that's reality. But today I really ask myself if it is where is my "maa"

    I thought about wanting to talk to other relatives and all but they themselves are so weird and strange, diplomatic and double standard that it wouldn't be anything better than not having a mom. I know I am 20 some year old but sometimes I wish I had someone to just tell me they loved me or that I mattered to them. I wish someone would just take me under wing as their own and love me like their own.

    I just don't know what to do or who to turn to. At this point this has taken over my life and almost every time I have contemplated suicide this has been one of the top reason.
     
    Umanga likes this.
    Loading...

  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,807
    Likes Received:
    5,249
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    Rapzee, My sympathies are with you. You are young and have a great life ahead. Please do not let your relationship with your parents affect you. Easier said than done , I know from my experiences . Don't spend too much time on social media , it will make you feel worse! I totally disconnect on Mother's Day , because I cannot connect with any of the emotions that are depicted all around me . I have come to terms with the fact that I don't share a "normal" relationship with the mother and it's perfectly fine . So accept it and move ahead. I assume you are not married ? Maybe the vaccum left by the lack of parental involvement will be filled by a loving and understanding spouse. But at the end of the day, you are your biggest strength .Also please seek help if things get worse. Take care !!
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Your yearning for mother's love is reasonable. Although not every child is attached to their moms, some do feel incomplete without their moms.
    This is just a human nature.
    Instead of blaming your mom, I would blame the poor combination between the two of you.

    There are plenty of great moms, at the same time the world has a lot of average moms and a few bad moms too. Leave alone the cruel ones who kill their own kids.

    The media, specially the Indian media worships motherhood. According to them, the mother's love is unconditional, and any woman turns out to be an angel once she becomes a mom.

    This is sadly the truth only in the soaps. The reality is different.
    The mothers are also human, and their behavior as a mother is a result of their upbringing, their values, their priority, the society in which they live and also their personality.

    I've seen extra ordinary super moms as well very lazy selfish moms in my circle. But the majority are just normal moms.
    Similarly there are super duper kids who takes extra care of their aged parents, while greedy kids on the other hand who care nothing, but only about their parents' assets.
    Like wise, good husbands and bad husband, as well good wives and bad wives.

    The world is a mixed bag of all sort of personalities.

    But what matters is how we happened to be connected.

    In your case, you seem to be a DD who yearns a lot for parents love more than the materialistic supports. But I've seen kids who bash on their parents' decision to stay with the kids while they could have moved out of the country for work; hence earn a good money to uplift their life style. The kids seem to miss such a wealthy life; thus blame parents' choice for their poor life.

    It seems your mom must have prioritized the materialistic developments over the emotional development on her kid.
    Bad choice. In particular she must have checked with you whether you lack anything.
    There should be always a balance.

    But take it all positively. There are children who do not have their biological parents. There are kids who do not have any luxuries at all.
    Compared to them, you have something. Although your loss is invaluable.
    Get over it and move on in life. If your mom wishes to reciprocate to your affection, you can always start a new bonding with her even today.

    My relationship with my mom blossomed only after my marriage. Before that, I used to be always a daddy's girl.
     
    sindmani, BhumiBabe and Umanga like this.
  4. WorriesTooMuch

    WorriesTooMuch Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Hugs to you OP, I'm actually amazed at your resilience after such a traumatic childhood. Your parents (not just mother) are abusive, not physically perhaps, but mentally so. Absolute indifference to your child is also abusing them, in fact it's worse than the parent who yells and screams because in the latter case at least, your existence is acknowledged. There are many such parents in the world, people who just have children for the sake of having them and then don't want to do anything else other than providing the basic necessities. Such people don't deserve to be parents, they're monsters.

    Have you considered a therapist? Your parents have unfortunately scarred you so much that you are unable to move on - and I don't blame you. Please try and fix this gaping hole in your life before you try and form a long lasting relationship, because you'll constantly be seeking things your partner cannot provide if you leave it alone and pretend everything's fine.
     
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I think @SGBV has actually covered many varieties out there. Not all of us are lucky enough to have unconditional mothers / fathers love. Many a times it's more of a movie fantasy, practical day to day life takes precedence and kids are taken for granted. Irony is, in most cases the parents don't even realize any of this.

    At a time, when Each family had 5-10, they barely had time for kids. For them, parents would be more like teachers. They did grow well and had a good family of their own. My dh literally grew in neighbours houses as my mil was busy taking care of her old mother. I grew up with nannies as my mom had no idea what to do with a baby as she had me very young, my own mother was a stranger to me at that time. N there are many stories where we were abused or neglected till we were with them. They don't even know it was abuse or neglection. It was the cases with many peers of ours during that time too.

    our parents or generations before that never took it way too seriously like now, "kids will grow" is what they say. This too much importance on kids are still a new concept to them. Yes, it most definitely hurts us, we have feelings too, but many of us grew up with some abuse, neglection, void - we just live with it or get over it.

    In the case of myself and my husband, we helped each other to fill the gap we suffered. Our own family is all it matters now, yes, we still love our parents despite anything they still do, but we choose to be the bigger people. It surely took time, but we got there.

    You are in your mid 20s, you are at an age where you can find that right companion. You can have your own happy family. You can give your child all the love you ever wanted. and the moment you see the love in that tiny ones eyes, all your past will just go pooof. You be the mom that your mom never was to you.

    You need to move on, get counselling, it does help. You can't try to end your life now because of a bad past, if people start committing suicides for horrible pasts and even current difficulties, we would probably have about 20% of the population we actually have, maybe even lesser.

    Just think this, is that all your life's worth? Do you think you were given a chance to be born just to go thru neglection from your parents and that's it? There's nothing more to your life?

    I know it's difficult to forget all this, so just embrace your past as a part of your life, you can even learn what not to do in your life from that. You might not be able to accept it now, as I can feel it's still a lot raw, but keep it at the back of your mind, when you have your own beautiful family and even after a decade, you will understand.
     
    sindmani, aamrapali, poovai and 2 others like this.
  6. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,725
    Likes Received:
    2,519
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    As our other posters have said, you are young and have a lot to look forward to and build your future. However it may hurt at present, consider your positives and plan ahead for a good career / settlement in marriage, as you will. Comparing your past to people who have had it better is a sure way to make you depressed further. Your life is yours to make good of - so please let go of all this, if necessary through counselling also and look ahead. Wish you all the best.
     
    Rapzee, sindmani and Umanga like this.
  7. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    498
    Likes Received:
    554
    Trophy Points:
    190
    Gender:
    Male
    A sad tale. I don't quite understand why they have ignored you. You probably don't remember your childhood because it was a traumatic and unhappy time and our brain likes to forget these things so that we can go ahead and live our life. Probably a good thing. Indian parents generally like to be very involved in their children's' lives. That yours are not may indicate that they come from a very traditional background where focussing too much on children was frowned upon (as @ashneys has pointed out). The fact that they lived in a place without decent schooling supports this hypothesis.

    On the subject of Mother's Day and public displays of filial bonds and affection, I am a bit skeptical. People who display these kinds of bonds too openly seem to me to be a bit fake and exhibitionist. Don't go by what you see on TV or online. Who knows what the underlying reality is?

    You are sensitive to these things because you have never experienced them first-hand. Thus, any display of filial bonds and affection strikes you as genuine. Many a times, that may not be the case.

    Also, there are kids in India who run away to the States simply because they cannot stand their over-bearing parents. Their parents are involved in every decision of their life, right from choosing what they wear, what they eat, how they spend their time, what they study, what career they choose and whom they marry. They probably would not be able to comprehend your situation and would switch places in a heartbeat and so I am sure, would you.

    I am normally skeptical of any kind of therapy, counselling and what have you. It is very difficult for one person to articulate their trauma to another and make them understand it. But, in your case, I think the trauma is quite obvious and something any human being would be able to understand. So, I would recommend you start searching online for a psychologist or therapist who specialises in these cases and go talk to them. You have had a very traumatic life and need someone who can listen to you without passing any kind of judgement. I think that is the only way.

    Good luck and take care.
     
    sindmani, BhumiBabe and joylokhi like this.
  8. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    497
    Likes Received:
    1,107
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Most of my life till my late twenties I was in a dark abyss because I felt unloved by my parents and everything else like marriage, career , social life is a domino effect and suffers because of this lack of love and support in the early years . I understand how you feel and if you were in front of me I would give you a big hug and tell you that everything will be ok, you will find your peace . You are deeply loved by this universe, higher power and all beings . You are never alone . If you can't find love in the people around you , look within, you have all the love you need. Even now when I see a mother pampering her daughter or a father encouraging his daughter I feel a pang of sadness that I couldn't experience that bond which everyone says is the most unconditional . But I have completely forgiven my parents esp mother and this has come with my spiritual awareness and maturity .

    Don't drown in self pity. If life gives you lemonade make lemons. So your parents were a poor example of parenting . That's their karma and they will eventually face it someday . But you are physically healthy and by the looks of it educated . There are people like you but in far worse conditions. Make your life meaningful , make it couNt , do something to make a difference . your life is no accident , it's a precious gift given to you . The very fact that you are still alive and kicking Should tell you that you deserve to be in this world and you fought for your chance to be here. If you deserve to be here you deserve to be happy as well. Let go of expectations from parents , you are in control of your life and you can be happy no matter what
     
    NeetaR, Rapzee, jssd and 2 others like this.
  9. Rapzee

    Rapzee Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    You are right "get over it and move on in life" Is exactly what I tell myself. And I can say this thousand times a day to myself, however this is probably one of the greatest examples of why it's easier said than done. For an only child who is that person suppose to consider their world? Their parents, their family, their loved ones. I guess you are right I should just move on, who needs a family, who needs a loving parent, especially being in my mid 20s I guess I should move on.

    I am sorry my reply seems extremely rude but It's one of those things where I wish people would think does the one going through not wanna just get over it and move on? They do but one can't simply put this kind of gap and just move on.
     
    joylokhi likes this.
  10. Rapzee

    Rapzee Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    I don't want to sound like the victim here because realistically speaking myself and them both were victims of time and circumstances. I do whole heatedly believe that they never wanted to separate me from them, but had no choice and they did what they thought best at the time. In fact I don't even want to term this situation as "abusive" although it's probably accurate just because it sounds so negative. One of the biggest things that I never understood was my mom had I think 2 miscarriages before I was born from random conversations I overheard over the years. So you would think after that it would've brought her closer to me and not just her but my dad too. They themselves have been through a lot from poverty to health issues to family dramas so I get it that they always had different issues going on all their life, but the fact I was overlooked through it all hurts more than anything else. I have realized it takes for me to be physically (visibly ) hurt for them to realize I am in pain. (car accident, back injury) all these meant mom and dad would ask me how I am, but beyond that dream on.

    There was a time I was seeing a therapist, few years ago. But eventually it ended because I think I had gotten control over myself and was able to live a functional day to day life. But this has come back, Currently I am talking to a therapist through an online based program ( just for lack of in person time/ cheaper) It's just matter of how long will it take before I get over it.

    Also I have given up on relationship in recent months because I don't think most desi men understand what it's like to have emotional issues. Additionally it wouldn't be fair to dump my troubled life onto him or his family.
     

Share This Page