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Problems In Family

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by adisum, May 19, 2017.

  1. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    No my fiancee himself is well settled and capable enough to hold all expenses. He is not expecting his mother or even father to spend anything. We both thought that we will ourselves bear all marriage expenses. I don't knw why issues are being created and everything is a mess eventually
     
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  2. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    Because of indirect tension.

     
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Lets put your sister's dominance on back burner now. You have bigger fish to fry like how is your fiancée 's position in his family. His mother is not happy with the marriage . Period. Accept it. Next comes how the mother can rail road son into any decision she makes regarding wedding expenses. Today its this tomorrow it will be family expenses. Point is are you ready to live in this environment.

    Next comes your sister. Is she always dominant and your family has always followed what she said. There is a reason she is dominant and wants you and your mom to follow her word. Do not get into an argument about visiting your maasi becoz it will always come back to bite you if your mom wants to do as she says. Is your sister a fav child who can never do wrong? If it is take a step back. You mentioned to your sister once, that shud do. Next your mom shud do all the talking.

    Regarding marriage expenses , let your sister talk and don't respond. She just wants to create trouble . If your dad spent on wedding, she wud have said why don't you spend. Now you are spending, she wants your dad to spend. She is just making trouble.

    She ( your sister) maybe inclined to sour all relationships all around you to look good herself. She is showing off she is good to your maasi by appreciating her on social media.Do as you want and don't mention it to her. If it comes to a head tell her you are an adult and you will make your own decisions. No arguments no showdowns. Good Luck.
     
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  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    She's trying to be extra nice and diplomatic to compensate for the fact that she's not visiting her.

    She fears that you are gona drag her along or maasi might try to use this situation to visit your sisters house or that your maasi is gonna make a fuss about she not visiting, stuff like that. Since your mother can't take a stand, you can just take your mother and go for a visit maybe don't ask your sister to join. Don't make fuss, just go.

    Maybe because she feels that parents has to take care. Or that you may need more to help set up your home after marriage or something. But at the end of the day, it's your choice.
    Siblings can be controlling, in case if it turns bad for you, just plain ignore it or take your stand if you must.

    She is just being a typical mil, there is no explanation for this, that is why she can't explain. This will get worse as time goes in most cases. You either need to put in a monster effort and make her your friend or keep your distance.

    This happens in arranged marriages too and even more so in love marriages as some parents get angry that they didn't get to pick the partner, family or get good dowry, etc. Again, they can't explain this, so they will be quiet.

    He may have married because his kids might not take care of him and needed someone to take care of him. Being alone during old age is not for everyone. The loneliness is killing. If he lives to be 80, he will be alone for 20 years. So leave the poor guy alone. If your folks are not gona be ok with it, avoid telling them. It's his life.

    In laws n family drama is something many of us women handle everyday. Good or bad, It's part of bein married, don't overthink it and get stressed.

    The most important thing, your spouse, is your biggest strength in all of this. Don't over stress him for everything too, everything has a breaking point. Pick your battles and focus on facing the challenges smartly and live happily. Don't get into this marriage with so much of stress, think positively about how amazing it would be to live with the person you love.
     
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  5. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

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    At this point you should every day work on
    1. Keeping your relation smooth with your Fiance. Dont complaint abt his mother or any of his family members and be supportive.
    2. Calm down your mom, explain her to be normal and dont worry abt MIL words. Let the marriage ceremonies happen happily. Dont worry abt Fiance uncle, its his life. If your mom comes to know in future tell them you always know this but didnt think it was imp to tell.
    3. Talk less with your sister and dont discuss abt your marriage expenses etc. Its between you, your fiance and your parents. stick to your plans.
    4. Masi visit - Forget it


     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I do not see the above mentioned matters as problems. I think that you are over reacting to them, and creating a mess out of nothing.

    Your sister: Her relationship with her aunt is none of your business. Be it real or fake, let those adult ladies to handle.
    You are right when you advocated for your mom's willingness to see her sister. But don't force. Let your mom handle this.
    Your sister is wrong to condemn your intention here. She was blunt, and of course her statements hurt. But this happens between siblings. Just leave it.

    Your would be MIL: What she talks about you with her son should stay between them. But it is very wrong to discuss those matters with would be spouse. Your would be should learn to manage such information diplomatically, else there will always be restlessness in the house.
    Your would be spouse should learn to balance.
    Like a kid, he should not discuss each and every disagreement he had with mom to spouse.
    Beware, such men likely to share everything they discuss with spouse to mothers also.

    Nevertheless, do not buy any disrespect from your would be PILs. If they talk in bad tone, pause and ask them what exactly they meant. If it is something hurtful, be explicit about the hurt. Also demand respect.
    You are gonna be their DIL, not a slave.

    Your FIL's elder bro: His marriage is his business. You and your family has nothing to do with that. At the age of 60, many men need a companion. He is not wrong to re-marry. If his kids and family members are ok (even if they are not OK), what is your problem????

    Word of caution:
    Your would be husband seems very immature. You must have some mechanism to handle him after marriage. Else, with the red flags reported above and in your other posts, your marriage might suffer. Stay prepared.
     
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Why is it considered unseemly for a widower to remarry?
     
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  8. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    Because he is old and not supposed to have any sexual urges.
     
  9. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly ! Really boggles my mind ! At 60, most people marry for companionship not sex. But no, people would rather have the widow/ widower wallowing in loneliness and sorrow .
     
  10. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    When a widow re-marries at 60, then it will surely raise eyebrows.. then y cant a widower stay single? And manage by himself?
    If he really re-marries to get a wife who is no less than his previous wife in privileges, its ok..else if he does it for someone to clean and care like nurse or maid..its wrong
     

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