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Sil Is Really Is Costing Our Family Too Much

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by gitika, May 22, 2017.

  1. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Your mom is doing what a ideal mother in law should be doing , treating her DIL with respect and treating her like a queen. You will get married in the future and will be out of the home. Your mother will have to live with your SIL, so I see nothing wrong if she is trying to maintain a healthy relationship. Look at your SIL and be happy that she is being treated well by the in laws and it speaks volumes about your parents. Also if you feel you were treated differently than your SIL, it's because your parents share a comfort level with you being their daughter . They can tell you what they feel whereas the relationship with their DIL is more formal and complex. So chin up and stop feeling insecure!
     
    sindmani and Sunshine04 like this.
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP

    I liked your post, because I see some level of honesty there.

    You are clearly discriminated and ill-treated by your parents. This is not an odd case here. Many parents who adhere this traditional standards discriminate their DDs. They believe their son is an asset. They treat him as a solid retirement plan.
    Whereas the DD comes as a responsibility. That's why many parents in India do not prefer a girl child. The high rate of female infanticide is an evidence to this.

    Obviously the society plays a heavy role here.
    A parent can rightfully stay at their son's place whereas their visit to DD's place can be restricted depending on her PILs.
    A son is expected to take care of his parents, and his children becomes family to the grand parents. But a girl will be sent away with a stranger in the name of marriage to some far places.
    A wedding of a girl child can cause almost all the life time savings of a parent, and it doesn't stop there.
    Even if the girl is financially independent, she will depend on her parents for her wedding and post wedding rituals.
    So, obviously their only way out and support system after their retirement is their son.

    Your parents are selfish. Obviously they are forced to be selfish because of their needs.
    They play their cards just right by treating their DIL like queen, so that they can be on the good books of their son.
    They are selfish and that's why they care less about you.

    You can't expect anything from such parents.

    Don't blame your SIL. She is not fault. What she expects from her in laws is perfectly right. Even your parents behavior towards their DIL is not wrong. This is how it should be.
    But the issue is their partiality and discriminating behavior towards their DD, that too for some selfish reasons.
    Be glad, at least they are good parents to their son, and good in laws to their DIL.
    You seem to be the black sheep in their eyes.

    Better you get out of this hell as soon as possible.
    Find your heaven somewhere else.

    Don't be a bad sister or bad SIL just because your parents were bad to you.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2017
  3. WorriesTooMuch

    WorriesTooMuch Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I think you are @Suma89 as well, because some of the words and sentences are identical in both posts. And I can understand your deep frustration and unhappiness, but please, for your own sake. Stop and take a deep breath.

    Remember these things-

    1. Your parents treated you very badly as a child and teen and are continuing it now. This is entirely their fault. Not your brother's, not yours. And their behaviour is not your SIL's fault. She's a new entrant here, your problem starts well before.

    2. You do not like your brother and think he is irresponsible. You are right here - then why expect his wife to stand by his side and be a big pativrata? He's not being a responsible husband, why should she alone make all the effort? It is also his child!

    3. Though you think your parents are being abused, they seem happy with the arrangement. Even if they are unhappy, there is nothing you can do about it - it's their own fault and they can simply say 'we can't do it anymore' and kick SIL out. You don't need to be involved, especially when they don't even care about you!

    4. About women taking >6 months off. Sometimes it happens. Stop judging so much. No one else has the right to dictate when a woman goes back to work - not PILs, not SIL/BIL, not friends and relatives. Couple alone make the decision. Their child, their decision. If your SIL never goes back to work also she's free to do so.

    5. You seem to have inherited negativity from your mom. You are also constantly on the look out for mistakes from SIL, though she seems to have nothing personally wrong to you. You say your mom is the one giving her your clothes and stuff. Your mom is the one you should be angry at - stop making the SIL a target.

    6. Please cut contact slowly with your family . You don't like any of them, and they don't seem to like you either. Why waste time and energy thinking of them? You cannot change the past - be glad it's over! We have one life - don't waste it on anger and jealousy. You are independent, working, able to make your own happiness. Cut out toxic people in your life. Once away from them, you will breathe easier.
     
    sindmani, Umanga and BhumiBabe like this.
  4. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    Truer words have never been spoken. This forum is a goldmine of insight and wisdom.
     
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  5. gitika

    gitika Senior IL'ite

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    Hello all,

    I would like to thank k u all for inputs I will surely move to a very spacious posh location. Also detach from my family like I will stop visiting my math e if my parents force visit only a week or 2 weeks that too when my bro and SIL are at Hyderabad
    And also check enough about the details of landlord I would be booking up next

    I could not get the last words from umanga
    "Truer words have never been spoken, this forum is a gold mine of insight & wisdom!!"
     
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  6. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    Good. You are getting modernised. Very soon you shall be fully modernised and shall stop visiting them altogether.

    As for my words, what is there to get? I was appreciating @WorriesTooMuch's contribution, specifically the part about staying away from your family which I have quoted.

    Anyway, good luck. Hope you find a nice place to stay in.
     
  7. cutepoojitha

    cutepoojitha Bronze IL'ite

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