Should I Stay Or Should I Go...

If you are like most NRI families, you came to the US, with the intention of making lots of money, fast, and returning to your native city, living the good life.

The dream starts off as a 3 year gig. The husband flies in first, and then brings over the rest of the family in 6 months. They live in a decent sized apartment in a decent neighborhood, with a convenient park located within walking distance. The children are just toddler or preschool aged, because they plan to return to India before the children start "serious" school. But within the 3 years, the plan changes. The husband wants to stay longer, he's found a better opportunity with a lucrative salary, and wants to save just a little bit more. The wife agrees, 'why not, it's better to struggle now, then later in life.' "Serious" school starts in middle school, anyway. The children go to school, study in English, and come home to their native tongue. They make friends with the local kids and join soccer and Tae Kwon Do like the local kids. They take 'Pattu' class and 'Bharatnatyam' on the weekends. The family goes to the temple every weekend and celebrate every major Festival with their other Indian friends. This life becomes normal, until every other summer vacation, the family goes to India to visit the family. 2 months, at pati's house, enjoying with all the cousins and visiting the extended family. It's nonstop fun... until it's not fun anymore. The children don't want to miss their summer vacation activities in the states. They're missing summer camps or they want to go on a 'real' vacation like their classmates. They're in Middle School now. They can't imagine even moving 'back' to India. It was fun during the vacation, but to go to school there? It doesn't even make sense. The husband is starting to miss his parents, and so is the wife. They want to move, but the husband can't find the same type of lucrative opportunity in India. And anyway, the kids are doing well in school and soon they'll be going to high school. If they change now, how will they complete the 10th std exams and get into the engineering group. In a blink of an eye, the children are in college, they left home and are studying in the dorms. The parents are left, all alone, but not really, because life is busy, paying for college is expensive (especially compared to the free public schools). Now when they go to India, they don't go for more than 2 weeks. The kids are in the US, and so are many of their family members. They can't spend all their leave on just one India trip. And here it is... The truth about immigrating to the US.

I'm a child of Immigrant parents, and it's not easy to grow up with a constant reminder that the life you are creating here is just a short-term transient thing, and the 'real' life will be in India. Because as a child, I want stability, and the longer I've been in the US, the longer it feels like home. While it's been fun in India, I have no idea how to survive there (each time, I arrive as a guest and I leave as a guest - no independence, no new friends). The culture in India is stifling, while I am free to be who I am in the US. I can be both Indian and American, and they are both me.

I'm writing this because I hear this 'going back' dialogue all the time. I understand it, because I grew up in it and as an adult, I too want to live in the city I grew up in, Dallas. My cousins grew up in the same type of atmosphere, though in their case, they shuttled back and forth from India to the US, until finally moving to the US permanently.

I don't believe that you should yearn to live in another place, while making a home in one place. If you want to relocate back to India, then please do that as soon as you can, before your child makes this country their home. I am not saying this rudely, or telling you to 'get out'. It's important to do what's right by you and your family. Please don't make the mistake of staying in a place you don't call home, and waking up 20 years from now, wishing you left when you had the chance. Either you should accept this new home, or you need to follow your heart.

So I pose this question, what is keeping you in the US?

 

When we get to the topic of culture, I find that in the US, Indian American kids are more cultured about Bharatnatyam and Carnatic music, as well as with Bal Vikas, than children growing up in India. Of course, there are some cultural aspects that are sacrificed, but do we really need to ingrain male superiority into our youth? The art of 'cooking' and 'serving' food is culturally female job, which even now, are perpetuated with no shame. Despite all the education and career improvements for women, a cultured woman would make sure to serve all the men, and be at their beck and call during meal times. There is some serious female-shamming, BY OTHER WOMEN, if a girl doesn't comply with these standards.