1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Who Is At Fault Here?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Mar 13, 2017.

  1. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,191
    Likes Received:
    7,009
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    If indeed the husband is paying for several rounds of drinks multiple times a week at bars, then he will be able to afford a marriage counselor and/or professional help to deal with addiction.
     
    anika987, yellowmango and poovai like this.
  2. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,179
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    If the house is empty when he enters... and this repeats a few more times, he may stay home and invite his cigar smoking friends over for drinks, cards, and more..
    A home maker should never leave her post on any regular schedule.
     
    anika987 and greenchilli like this.
  3. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,448
    Likes Received:
    2,097
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    This is the part, I couldn't digest. So many on this forum are saying that you need marriage counseling or send him to AA. It is very hard to finger point to your loved ones to say, 'you have addiction problem, You need to go to AA support', The typical response would be 1) denial 2) anger 3) acceptance. It will take a lot kicking/screaming to make the other person to admit the fact. OP seems to be a softie; it requires a head strong person, need a 'veteran' to do that!

    If I see any behavioral change in my DH, will I be able to say, 'we or you need marriage counseling or you need to go to AA support', out of the blue one day? No, I cannot, and I will not!

    I will be sad/unhappy, even cry for days and will beg/plead him to change. It will take months, before even I say anything to my family or friends.

    Just imagining myself in OP's shoes, what will happen? Raging war will erupt, it will take months before reaching to the stage of acceptance.

    In my view, it is not that easy as it sounds, considering OP's nature.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2017
    anika987 and SunPa like this.
  4. greenchilli

    greenchilli Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Well that may backfire.since the H already ignores them when they are present in his home, he will become very relaxed if they take a vacation.he may get used to the absence and completely ignore when they come back.
    It's best if Op stays here and look for solutions .
     
    anika987 likes this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    When @anika987 clearly says her H is not an alcoholic addict or a substance user, why are we suggesting about AA here?
    Unlike EMA, alcoholism can not be hidden just like that. You can smell, and understand whether your spouse is drunk or just sipped a few pegs.
    A wife can very well understand whether he is addicted or not. Because, apparently this couple go on vacations and spend time together once in a while. An alcoholic addict could not live without it no matter what.
    So, I accept when OP clearly says her H is not alcoholic addict.
     
    anika987 likes this.
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    No counselling ,no challenging the offender...no change.Just tear up and bury head in sa nd ...and adopt hobbies.So what if you and your children are being brought up in an extremely dysfunctional household .
     
    greenchilli, anika987 and Nonya like this.
  7. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,179
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I am pretty sure there are plenty of successful people, including many here, who grew up in various levels of dysfunctional families. Parents end up setting good examples for what not to do. Isn't there more than one way to skin the cat?
    :(
    What good is a skinned cat ?
     
    greenchilli and anika987 like this.
  8. rajatsingh

    rajatsingh Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    79
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male


    EMAs too can't be hidden for long.
     
    anika987 likes this.
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    True.. but at least they could keep their wives in the dark for sometimes by pretending it to be something else.. perhaps friendship or work relationship until everything comes to light. But alcoholism and such addictions can't be hidden that far, unless the consumption is too small - in that case, it is not called addiction.
     
    anika987 and rajatsingh like this.
  10. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    419
    Likes Received:
    384
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Divorce/separation was not an option for many in yesteryears. But today people expect too much of perfection and complicate life. OP just need to make sure that her husband is not having an ema or any crooked relationship. His frequent ou should be curtailed to once or twice a month. If needed bring it to the notice of parents who can advise him.
     
    anika987 likes this.

Share This Page