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Just A Vent

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Caughtinbetween, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    hi everyone
    hope you all are doing good
    i am back after a long gap to get your help with the current issues.
    before that i want to thank the illites(kashmirflower and others) you sent me messages regarding my job query last time ,
    i could read the message but due to some issue with my password i could not login back to reply then, thank you so much for that
    coming to the issues now ;
    after my last update regarding a job i got a bit better job which i am hopeful will get more better in some time.
    i am also trying to find part time jobs to do during my weekoffs too just to keep myself busy and out of the home
    since i started working i am trying to help my family back in india with some money from my
    salary every month about which my husband doesnt know yet and i am not planning to tell him either.
    reason i dont feel like telling him is that first i never asked him anything about his finances till now ,
    never interefered with his money matters , never stopped him or made a fuss about whatever he did for his family
    though here i must say that he doesnt send money every month for his family maintenance because they have big pension amount
    and other money sources for them but he does spends a lot on gifts for them which i dont care about .
    and me , i am sending money to support my fathers monthly and if my inlaws family knows about it they will insult,create a fuss,
    and do what not again which honestly i am scared of now
    even today when i speak to inlaws family on phone i literally tremble from inside and feel like my hands and legs
    are shaking out of fear and stress , gets very stressful , i hate to see myself so afraid of someone at this day and age but truth is that all the drama
    that they created last year and even now occupies my mind 24*7 and sometimes it affects my work as well.
    i just speak to them over the phone during weekends in front of H and dont talk about them to H at all the other times
    i speak to them and send them a few gifts sometimes just to put up this drama in front of H and not because i have any feelings whatsoever .
    anyways they only want to know about ttc results from me and pass some hurtful comments, nothing else ..
    rarely when ils do talk normally its because H raised his voice against them commenting about ttc over the phone and heard all the cuss words ils were hurling at me .
    him raising his voice in my support just occured once though he is very aware that this thing happens every time
    i just talk to them for a very few mins before passing the phone on to H
    i know very well that they want to do this drama in front of H so he always thinks its others fault and they are saints
    i fail in changing anything in him because he looks like a most gentle , kind ,caring soul but it excludes wife so its my destiny maybe . i simply had let go off any expectations from H .
    honestly now i dont care what happens in my future with him , i will never initiate seperation from my end but if H's family i does i would be fine with it
    i am emotionally seperated from them all anyways
    ttc and its problems are a different set of issues altogether
    but its results will decide a future course too
    i only want to be silent and build a future for myself where i dont care if he is there or not
    because his parents have that strong control on him that they can make him do anything
    H or ils doesnt speak to my family and honestly now it doesnt affect me at all , i dont even bring up my late mother nor do i talk anything about my family
    i dont feel like talking to H or his family about any of my feelings because i cant forget all the things that they did
    i will never forgive and would never forget anything
    sometimes hate and angst for them controls me so much that my mind stops to think any thing beyond it
    i dont talk to H about any of my feelings or anything else apart from how is weather , food or sometimes work
    i did offer to contribute a part of my salary towards home maintenance but he declined
    fertility treatments started and hence money is needed so i am thinking of telling him that i will put whatever i have after savings to it
    dont know what help exactly i am looking from you all the wonderful ladies here besides venting
    i am all confused myself
    once again thank you so much for all your help through out the journey
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Glad to know you are concentrating on yourself op.
    Happy to know you are managing to earn for yourself and able to send some to your dad too.That is a big improvement.

    As for your weekly talks to the inhuman in law's....Is it necessary? When these call reduce you to a nervous wreck,why do you talk.Tell your husband that listening to them really causes emotional pain that is not good for your health and TTC.

    If that doesn't work...Talk only with speaker on...Say a few lines and then hand over to husband.Refuse to take this long distance abuse.

    As for TTC...Since you no longer care for your future with him,why bring a child in this sad environment. Sorry if this hurts you,but it is not fair to the child ,specially if there is a chance that the child may inherit the medical condition your husband has.

    Op ,why don't you try some counselling for yourself. You are living a life in trauma,you could do with the help. If your medical insurance does not provide for it ,you can use your money to get help.

    Lastly...Save your money and build a little nest for yourself.He can pay for the TTC,.
    Neither your husband nor his parents will care for you .

    Best wishes op..Hope you become more independent in the days to come.
     
    Emarald likes this.
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If you don't want to tell about sending the money, that is fine. But do it acknowledging to yourself what you are doing, and what is the plan for if/when he gets to know about it.

    Your reasoning for not telling him is not so strong. You never asked him about his finances, never stopped him or never made a fuss -- none of these is a reason you can use for the subterfuge.
    That you don't care about it yet bring up his spending on gifts for them, says something.

    That your father is more needy than your in-laws, and that your in-laws get gifts while your father gets for needs, is a slim argument.

    Your husband has not explicitly hidden any financial transactions from you (going by your description). You want to hide from him. I will not judge what you want, but your reasoning is not right.

    This is the main problem. Your in-laws and your fear of them. You are now earning money. You have been through hell. By now you should have some strength to send the money openly. I would do it openly on purpose. Deeds show more than words.

    Instead of looking at the positives: you have a better job, able to send money, you are back in the U.S., husband spoke up for you once, husband declined your offer to contribute to house expenses, you are creating fresh problems with this hiding, and even more worrisome, continuing efforts to bring a child into a marriage out of which you say you have emotionally checked out.

    I'll tell you one thing - your new found financial independence is good, but be careful with it. Sending money without telling, offering to contribute to expenses... these can backfire. Money is touchy issue in your household with your India trip ticket and all that. You could simply contribute to the expenses, rather than "offer" to. When you were not earning, your husband did not offer to take care of you, he just did it.

    One more thing - helping your father is good, but, how much is the money really needed there? If I recall right, your unmarried brother has a job in another city in India? How much are you earning from your part-time job that you can send to father, contribute to expenses, and also save for your future and unexpected life situations?
     
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  4. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    thank you for your inputs .
    yes the calls are important because they would create drama if they dont receive a call , they do it either ways though.
    h is like they will say things and you must listen to it so no hopes from h on that matter .
    but yes i speak on loud headset volume so he very well listens to what they are saying.
    so i just update them about ttc and then pass over .
    my clock is ticking and with medical issues for both of us it is all difficult
    i am unsure about the ttc part , honestly i want a child for myself but i am completely aware of the sad environment so i am going back and forth on it .my inability to conceive is a major factor which adds up to the tensions because they squarely blame on me .
    i am actually trying to look for some kind of anti stress treatment because sometimes it just gets too much .
    yes i will try to save as much as possible for myself .
     
    yellowmango likes this.
  5. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you Rihana for your suggestions .
    First regarding sending money part :
    I dont feel guilty for sending money to father because its not a very big amount in inr , i never sent any thing for my family from his money till now because i myself never wanted to do that having seen their behavior in the past, i knew what all tensions it would bring .
    i dont know if this is acknowledging to myself or not but i dont find anything wrong with it because my father needs it at this time , yes i dont plan to do this forever if not needed and once he has some kind of basic financial security and medical coverage. before that if h happens to find out about it i plan to tell him that i wanted to help my father and so i do to overcome the guilt that i have for not being able to help my mother .

    second thing about spending on gifts and such :
    let me put it this way , until today i havent seen any of his bank accounts , i dont know how much he makes exactly and what he does with it besides spending on house expenses and emis. regarding his gifts , he always did a majority of those dealing behind my back . i know what all he spent but he does not know that i know and i dont know how to explain this but i truly dont mind him spending anything on them , i only felt bad when he did not support me when he could very well do it but expects me to do everything for them , it was just hypocrisy.
    those very few rare instances when he sent the gifts in front of me i chose the best things possible for them in huge quantities that they themselves were shocked and surprised . i am not saying i was a big person by never interfering in his finances but i did so because honestly i knew that his money is not money or so he was fed in his mind so i just stayed out of it . I dont mind whatever he does for his family .i am kept in the dark about everything anyways so i just decided to keep myself out of it mentally too. because i was kept aloof from every single matter financial or not from h and his family i decided to do the same . from our previous arguments i know that he sees this as a matter of pride that his parents are self sufficient and he doesnt need to send money to them every month as his other friends and colleagues do , so i further made sure to keep this thing out of loop until i can .
    this applies only to me though , when it comes to sil they all encourage her to keep her income separate , reminds her never to share the passwords etc , send money secretly to parents for saving with out telling bil and all other stuff . that is all ok for them .

    yes i agree that i am afraid of ils family .

    once that h spoke for me was because he heard the abuses himself , later he told me that dont expect him to say anything when they repeat the same thing during the next call .

    by offer i meant i contributed my half of the salary towards house hold expenses for couple of months in the last year i worked but he declined this year , i dont know why . but i still try to contribute wherever i can for groceries , fertility treatments etc .
    he is of the opinion that if wife is not working as a husband its his responsibility to provide food shelter and clothing . he clearly says that is it nothing more , or if it gives him something like treatments that might produce a baby. any thing else if does he holds a lots of grudge like india tickets , even treatments to a lot of extent (i cant tell you what exactly he said because h knows i visit this forum.)
    my brother is in an unstable job right now so i am planning to help financially until bro settles down in a good job to take care of father .i make less than $2000 , i keep aside half of my money for household expenses , from the other half , i send a part back to india , spends a part on my commute (it is quite a lot) and other expenses and remaining if any is savings other wise for now my only savings is 401k contribution.
     
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  6. suasin

    suasin Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Caughtinbetween,
    I went through your threads and I see a confused girl.

    I am sure you got a lot of help with how to handle your finances, take care of your Dad and all. While it is true that we have to be with our parents in need, its also necessary to be strong. Why do you have to lie about sending money to your Dad? Do you yourself not feel justified? You know, its completely wrong to 'hide' things for you lose any ground you have. Listen to Rihana.

    'Ticking clocks' somehow bring the worst in me. I am 37 years old and my doctor says its not too old to go for a baby. I believe her cos a girl who is of my age celebrated her sons first birthday earlier this month and is expecting her second son in a couple of months. I know close relatives older than you are still TTC. When I am sitting in the doctors office, I see people poorer, older, less educated than you and me waiting patiently with so much innocence in their eyes. They cant even afford a taxi after a 'procedure'. So, you are not the worst and if you believe it, half your stress is gone. It helps in conceiving.

    Can you once say ( atleast without your H's knowledge)'it takes two to make a baby?' But before that, I suggest you take care of the financial issue. I read that you worry about your Hs food and well being. Yet you are empty of feelings. Do you think you can get back in love with him? Only then go for a child.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2017
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,if your husband does not expect you to contribute towards house expenses,then don't.you are contributing by taking care of running the house and taking care of him.

    Instead,save for things that he resents paying like India tickets.If you have to live with him,then make it easier on yourself by eliminating resentments.Besides you should not have to helplessly depend on him for India trips in future.

    As for sending money to dad,I feel there should be no guilt in not telling him.He doesn't do the same so you are justified specially if you feel he will respect your father less or inform in-laws who in turn will insult your father.Please do whatever you need to protect your dad from the monsters. If he finds out...Just tell him you did not think it was something you needed to do .

    I would suggest you to tell your husband you have had enough of the verbal abuse from his parents and will no longer talk if they abuse.Just because he expects you to doesn't mean you have to. Just move away.let them do drama. But I guess you are not strong enough right now to do it.
    But remember,the abuse will continue if you do not put your foot down on it.

    As for TTC...I am sorry,I misunderstood from your earlier thread that you were probably doing it only for him.wishing you best of luck on TTC .
     
  8. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    OP

    Sorry for your loss. Can you please tell us why are you in this bad marriage? Since you don't have kids its easy for you to live independently and live peaceful life without abuse. After kids your problems will increase. Sorry to be blunt but read your old posts and felt very sad.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    CIB, I have actually helped a friend or two long ago who wanted to send money or gifts to India without husband's knowledge. I have some idea of what can make a person adopt these means. If you can manage it without him getting to know, yes, it would be better to send money quietly, so as to not add to the unpleasantness already there.

    But, that said, I feel you are not being fair to him. Or to your marriage. In more ways than one. Your concern for your father is understandable, but, charity begins at home. Your household and your marriage and your TTC efforts need your full attention. Somehow, the idea that as soon as you have started earning, you are sending money quietly, doesn't sit well with me. Looking at the situation from your husband's POV - you already gave up some months of TTC to go to India. Please understand I am not wantedly trying to be mean here or blaming you or hurting you. But sometimes, some facts of life can be harsh. The timings of some events can be unfortunate.

    If you are trying to TTC, that should be your primary aim. You cannot afford to be stressed out about father and other matters. Anyone will tell you stress is the number one enemy. It is another fact that you have started working only recently. Once there are kids in the picture, and you are a busy mom with hardly any time to spare, the logic of "I keep house" and "I have equal rights on money" carries more weight. Otherwise, unfortunately, not earning can be a huge disadvantage.

    If I were in your husband's position, I would resent that you are still so stressed out with father's issues, even after spending months in India. And if I came to know about the money being sent, it would feel very bad, no matter what the amount. I would expect that all your monies and energies are devoted to the marriage and TTC. I am so sorry to say this, but it is another of life's harsh truths - any thing related to kids, puts a heavy strain on marriage. Be it TTC efforts, something wrong with the child, or a child passing away. These can bring a couple closer or cause them to point fingers. Reading between the lines, looks like the TTC treatments are for you. I hate to say this, but, it does put you at a disadvantage in the marriage equation. I might draw some flak for saying this, but, I'd rather say it than only express sympathy for you and only say what a bad boy your husband is being.

    You have to stop moping about your lot. Things are looking up one at a time. There is more to life than being there for parents. Life cannot wait while you get done with being there for them. This "emotionally cut off" and "I don't really care about the marriage" "shiver when talk to in-laws" are words and excuses that you are using to be dishonest to yourself. You cannot do this for ever. Time to take stock of the situation, and decide what you really want. And go after that. All this cannot wait for your father's financial security situation to improve.
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    First of all congratulations for being financially independent. That is the first step towards your liberation.
    Concentrate towards an improved and much better career to settle with.
    A second world to peacefully settle apart from a failing marriage or cruel in laws is a must. It is a stress relief and it will help you greatly for your TTC plans. Who knows, your peace of mind, sanity, success of TTC, financial independence etc..etc... may turn your otherwise great man to be a great husband too.
    In laws and their problems are not permanent in your marriage... So, don't lose your mind for them.

    Secondly, it is perfectly OK to send money to your needy parents, that too from your hard earned money.
    If your in laws to make fun of it or insult you for it, then it is their narrow mind-set. Not your problem.
    If your H is not giving you an open mind-set to share this with him, then it is his problem. Not yours.
    So, for now, do what you are doing. It gives you a sense of satisfaction and happiness. It is a great relief.
    Do it without any guilty or worries.

    Thirdly, I understand that it is utmost important to talk to PILs over the phone. So, make these calls to the minimum possible. Just his and byes, and few nodding to their complaints, advises.... and leave it at that. Ignore their talks completely.
    Make it as a rotutine, and forget it the next time.
    Don't give any weightage to their talks. Concentrate your mind on something while formally talking to them.
    Your tone and body language will hint them that you are learning to care less about their interactions. This will eventually stop them.
    The dogs bark as long as you show the signs of fear and aggression. If you calmly concentrate on something else, and care less about the barking dogs, then will eventually stop. Believe me.

    As long as there is no complaints from your end about his parents, your H will be able to understand the problem more practically.
    When 2 people are complaining, it is hard to side with just one.

    Be the nice wife in contrast to your PILs complaints. But don't over do that by gifting PILs against your will.
    Just be nice and ignorant about the dramas. Concentrate on your TTC, work, and personal happiness for now.
     
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