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Child With Autism

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by chanchitra, Feb 22, 2017.

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Feb 27, 2017 #31

Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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Laks09 said: ↑

@Sunshine04 - I wanted some time to respond and hence the delay.

It's hard to put the past in the past when it affects the future of your child. It's bound to make you annoyed. It's not about the money. There is some instinct in you that needs you to be provider for the child. The knowledge that it could have been so much better is very difficult to come to terms with. Especially with a child who needs financial security for the future. Identify that feeling and isolate it. Understand that we are human and make errors in judgement. Tell yourself that given your circumstances back then you did what you "both" thought was the right thing. It's a learning experience and unfortunately you have lost out financially to get to this point. All is not lost yet.

Regarding your spouse, he is now saving. For the last two years he has changed in that department and is keeping money for you guys. That's a positive and it's a realization that he has arrived at himself given his experiences. Consider this as a silver lining from all the past events. Him and you should try and put it behind you for your own sakes. What's the point in being bitter? It's not affecting your in-laws. Only you.

Regarding the verbal abuse, it started almost a decade ago. I'm not sure how to get it to stop. You have tried various ways to get him to stop. He has to find ways to turn his anger into something else. And using his words to hurt you isn't one of them. I think he needs help with that which he seems to be refusing. Will you be able to find self help books on this topic and start reading and keeping it around? Will he pick up and start reading them? Can you go see a counselor yourself and see if she can help you arrive at a solution to this problem?

The part about him not pitching in when you are sick, tell him what he should do. Ask him to fix a meal, take care of the kid etc ahead of time. Tell him that's what's expected since you are unwell. Sometimes when either spouse doesn't get it intuitively it's best to lay it out there and say what's needed. Otherwise, the other person anyway will not do it and you will end up getting annoyed.

Regarding the special needs trust fund and financial planning and will creation - its stressful. It's very difficult emotionally. It's painful to think about our own child as one who will never do a lot of things and be dependent on others for a lot of things. It's hard to come up with one person who will do it in your absence. It shot my BP up twenty points and I have an older child. I've never thought of dying until the financial planning for the special needs trust. So much of uncertainty and so many unknowns. For now, with all you have going on, shelf it for a year or so. Make getting your marriage on track a higher priority than the trust planning. Have a rudimentary will in place just in case but tie up all the other stuff after your current issues are resolved.
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Sunshine04, Feb 27, 2017

Sunshine04, Feb 27, 2017

#31
Feb 28, 2017 #32

sslkgpaa Gold IL'ite

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Meet9 said: ↑

Some Peds here in US are too too quick to diagnose ASD/similar problem in kid when there is not any...My son at 18 month well check up was crying at the sight of doctor, it was tough to get him examined, but he was playing well soon after and before..I asked doctor if it was OK for him to cry so much around you, she said yes until 3 yrs of age they have this anxiety, he will outgrow...at his 22 mon sick visit, the same ped wrote that the child is extremely irritable and socially immature and wrote off recommending early evaluation..(really got the shock because I do NOT see any lack of social skill in my kid), I was taken aback at that,I could not argue because I was in extreme shock.....she was very pushy...You strip off the toddler to a diaper only in a closed room and come 45 minutes later for examination, obviously he is going to be irritable, I would say a kid who is not irritable in closed room for such a long time, should be evaluated....the ped really took a long time to come and examine him.....I took that very seriously, took a step back and even thought of following this ped recommendations......I made videos of my son interacting with other kids..I talked with my neighbors and friends...all of my friends kids of same age until 3 yrs even cry at the sight of doctor, they start crying hysterically when the car is parked in the doc office, none of those peds said anything wrong, my son speaks full sentences, is very social outgoing, there is not a speck of hint that he may be immature.....I of course changed peds thereafter to an Indian ped where my friends and neighbors went...everything is smooth....I am not against therapy etc when there is actually a problem with my kid but when there is not any, why are you writing it in the med records, this ped herself has 3 kids and she is so insensitive to all this......More worrisome is, In local hindu temple, I am seeing a lot of Indian families with at least one autistic kid...whats going on here/? we dont see that many in India....most of these families have both wife and husband working in IT..so the kids must be going to school/daycare from very early in life, exposing themselves to lots of infections and hospital stays..and antibiotics in early age when the blood brain barrier has not fully formed......I am worried sick thinking how to save my second kid from such doctors......I think we all need to up our guards against such doctors/peds.....
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Meet9 said: ↑

OP, I think all have given excellent suggestions, how is your relation with your husband? Are you and daughter staying with your husband? how is your husband in terms of love and care for your daughter? Did you guys plan for second kid? are you working..sorry too many Qs but in order to understand the situation, I needed to know more..I would be appalled at helping BIL family with money when your own daughter may need help in future...all his resources and money should for your daughter, thats what I feel...

I have another imp Q for all of moms with kids diagnosed with ASD....I am a mom of a toddler 2.5 yrs old, I gave him all vaccinations except MMR was delayed until 2 yrs old, for the fear of "rumours" associated of it with autism, since I am SAHM I thought lets delay it anyways he is not going to school....in USA, there is lack of social activity if we dont enroll them in school early..it becomes tough in winters....but I personally have seen this trend that I am going to write about..I want to know if you moms have seen / observed it?

Some Peds here in US are too too quick to diagnose ASD/similar problem in kid when there is not any...My son at 18 month well check up was crying at the sight of doctor, it was tough to get him examined, but he was playing well soon after and before..I asked doctor if it was OK for him to cry so much around you, she said yes until 3 yrs of age they have this anxiety, he will outgrow...at his 22 mon sick visit, the same ped wrote that the child is extremely irritable and socially immature and wrote off recommending early evaluation..(really got the shock because I do NOT see any lack of social skill in my kid), I was taken aback at that,I could not argue because I was in extreme shock.....she was very pushy...You strip off the toddler to a diaper only in a closed room and come 45 minutes later for examination, obviously he is going to be irritable, I would say a kid who is not irritable in closed room for such a long time, should be evaluated....the ped really took a long time to come and examine him.....I took that very seriously, took a step back and even thought of following this ped recommendations......I made videos of my son interacting with other kids..I talked with my neighbors and friends...all of my friends kids of same age until 3 yrs even cry at the sight of doctor, they start crying hysterically when the car is parked in the doc office, none of those peds said anything wrong, my son speaks full sentences, is very social outgoing, there is not a speck of hint that he may be immature.....I of course changed peds thereafter to an Indian ped where my friends and neighbors went...everything is smooth....I am not against therapy etc when there is actually a problem with my kid but when there is not any, why are you writing it in the med records, this ped herself has 3 kids and she is so insensitive to all this......More worrisome is, In local hindu temple, I am seeing a lot of Indian families with at least one autistic kid...whats going on here/? we dont see that many in India....most of these families have both wife and husband working in IT..so the kids must be going to school/daycare from very early in life, exposing themselves to lots of infections and hospital stays..and antibiotics in early age when the blood brain barrier has not fully formed......I am worried sick thinking how to save my second kid from such doctors......I think we all need to up our guards against such doctors/peds.....
Click to expand...

I think this is a very quick way of jumping to conclusions. If kids falling sick can lead to autism then most of the slum kids in India who grow up playing in dirt piles and whose childhood is completely surrounded by diarrhea, cold and other sickness should be first in risk factor. But looks like kids in the highly developed countries (like USA, Japan and Denmark) are on top of the list.
Again how can a child going to daycare be attributed with this risk factor, where you yourself said that those high on the risk were the kids who lack social simulation.

Doctors much more knowledgeable than you and me are trying to find the root cause for this, I am sure if it were that simple that observe few people around find something common and get a root cause, it would have been eliminated by now.

sslkgpaa, Feb 28, 2017

sslkgpaa, Feb 28, 2017

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Feb 28, 2017 #33

Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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sslkgpaa said: ↑

I think this is a very quick way of jumping to conclusions. If kids falling sick can lead to autism then most of the slum kids in India who grow up playing in dirt piles and whose childhood is completely surrounded by diarrhea, cold and other sickness should be first in risk factor. But looks like kids in the highly developed countries (like USA, Japan and Denmark) are on top of the list.
Again how can a child going to daycare be attributed with this risk factor, where you yourself said that those high on the risk were the kids who lack social simulation.

Doctors much more knowledgeable than you and me are trying to find the root cause for this, I am sure if it were that simple that observe few people around find something common and get a root cause, it would have been eliminated by now.
Click to expand...

Yes.Mothers are mentally happy in USA than in India.The are lots of Indian families with kids living in the same apartment community,so social interaction is better here.
Doctors are more alert nowadays as they are trying to catch the autism young.Finally there is no stigma associated with diagnosis of autism.it is good for the child to get early intervention services.

Sunshine04, Feb 28, 2017

Sunshine04, Feb 28, 2017

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Feb 28, 2017 #34

Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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Sunshine04 said: ↑

Yes.Mothers are mentally happy in USA than in India.The are lots of Indian families with kids living in the same apartment community,so social interaction is better here.
Doctors are more alert nowadays as they are trying to catch the autism young.Finally there is no stigma associated with diagnosis of autism.it is good for the child to get early intervention services.
Click to expand...

I dont say that there is stigma attached to it, but my point was if there is no issue why are you making an issue.... do you know some perfectly normal people are now under ASD just because their personality is little different....like th emild cases which look "normal" to someone, actually in good old days would be having a personality different from others...we have introverts, extroverts, expressive and non-expressive people...I have issues with such people being bought under ASD.....of course, when the child needs help in social skills, definitely I am in favor of all the therapies etc...

Meet9, Feb 28, 2017

Meet9, Feb 28, 2017

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Feb 28, 2017 #35

Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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Meet,in my experience Drs in India pump kids with medicines and antibiotics.in USA, the Dr usually prescribes only after fever lasting more than 3 days.

Sunshine04, Feb 28, 2017

Sunshine04, Feb 28, 2017

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Feb 28, 2017 #36

Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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Vaccines may cause autism.
Nowadays autism is in rise everywhere.
GMO foods, toxins, is a reason.
I also noticed autism is more in IT families

Sunshine04, Feb 28, 2017

Sunshine04, Feb 28, 2017

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Feb 28, 2017 #37

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Sunshine04 said: ↑

Meet,in my experience Drs in India pump kids with medicines and antibiotics.in USA, the Dr usually prescribes only after fever lasting more than 3 days.
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I have had opposite experience

Sunshine04 said: ↑

Meet,in my experience Drs in India pump kids with medicines and antibiotics.in USA, the Dr usually prescribes only after fever lasting more than 3 days.
Click to expand...

In both mine and toddler health cases, I have had the opposite experience, I stayed in India for 5 months, at one point my child had asymptomatic UTI, if it were here I know we would be undergoing a lot of invasive testing but my local ped there assured me to let him drink more fluids first and keep a check if he develops fever then they would take steps...and anyways re test after a week.. which I was comfortable with..thankfully his was resolved on its own within a week..

Meet9, Feb 28, 2017

Meet9, Feb 28, 2017

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Feb 28, 2017 #38

IL_Admin Administrator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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Hi All,

This is a very sensitive topic. We may have different beliefs and thoughts but when it comes to medical facts/speculations, unless it is proved, let's try not to cause unnecessary confusion and panic among parents.

Do stick to the OP's question and not digress in this thread. I hope you all understand.

Thank you.

Last edited: Feb 28, 2017

IL_Admin, Feb 28, 2017

IL_Admin, Feb 28, 2017

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May 2, 2017 #39

Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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Update.
My kid is improving. Still nonverbal
My husband has started verbal abuse again.
I am stuck now.

Sunshine04, May 2, 2017

Sunshine04, May 2, 2017

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May 2, 2017 #40

Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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Sunshine04 said: ↑

Update.
My kid is improving. Still nonverbal
My husband has started verbal abuse again.
I am stuck now.
Click to expand...

Ladies.give me some advice on how to deal with this guy.
Keeping divorce as last option

Sunshine04, May 2, 2017

Sunshine04, May 2, 2017

#40

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