Poor Communication

SGBV · Feb 27, 2017

Dear all,

My H has this weird habit of not calling/informing about his safe reach/landing whenever he travels out of the city. Even when he is around, he wont communicate with me/us over the phone to check on us.
Earlier I used to make several calls to stay connected, but he always considers them as a disturbance. So, eventually I've stopped making any calls unless they are utmost important. That too, he comes on line after several missed calls.
But I would always appreciate him if he could inform me about his safe landing/reach whenever he travels, as traffic accidents are pretty common in my country. I would panic if no calls are made.
So, after several episodes of panic attacks in the past during early marriage days, my H has learnt to inform me everytime he goes out, and calls me at night to check on us before he goes to bed no matter which part of the world he may be.
My FIL has this similar habit, and MIL would narrate how difficult it was to reach him even if it was an utmost urgent matter. Perhaps it is his genes or a learned habit from his dad.

Last week he went to the north, 300KM away from our home in a public transport to a temple there.
He would have reached there by 6PM, but he did not inform me. I tried to call him untill his mobile battery died in vain. It was already 9PM and no answer from his end.
Then I panicked, and called his friend, and some known people living in the north to know his whereabouts, but no one knew anything.
Due to this, I felt like my BP was shooting up, Stress caused heart burn and gastritis as I am very much vulnerable to these physical conditions due to stress.
I even did not eat my dinner with this mind set. I yelled at my kids, and behaved as a nasty mom since I was dying inside fearing his/our fate.
But at around 11:30PM, he called me to say that he was late to the pooja, thus he left his things at the reception and rushed to the temple without even checking into his room. As usual he left his mobile in the bag, since he won't take them to temple.
I felt too bad, since I can't take another episode as this in the near future.
He will promise never to repeat, but will surely forget to call very soon....

Vent over....

Any suggestion to address this isse

SadMarried · Feb 27, 2017

SGBV said: ↑

Dear all,

My H has this weird habit of not calling/informing about his safe reach/landing whenever he travels out of the city. Even when he is around, he wont communicate with me/us over the phone to check on us.
Earlier I used to make several calls to stay connected, but he always considers them as a disturbance. So, eventually I've stopped making any calls unless they are utmost important. That too, he comes on line after several missed calls.
But I would always appreciate him if he could inform me about his safe landing/reach whenever he travels, as traffic accidents are pretty common in my country. I would panic if no calls are made.
So, after several episodes of panic attacks in the past during early marriage days, my H has learnt to inform me everytime he goes out, and calls me at night to check on us before he goes to bed no matter which part of the world he may be.
My FIL has this similar habit, and MIL would narrate how difficult it was to reach him even if it was an utmost urgent matter. Perhaps it is his genes or a learned habit from his dad.

Last week he went to the north, 300KM away from our home in a public transport to a temple there.
He would have reached there by 6PM, but he did not inform me. I tried to call him untill his mobile battery died in vain. It was already 9PM and no answer from his end.
Then I panicked, and called his friend, and some known people living in the north to know his whereabouts, but no one knew anything.
Due to this, I felt like my BP was shooting up, Stress caused heart burn and gastritis as I am very much vulnerable to these physical conditions due to stress.
I even did not eat my dinner with this mind set. I yelled at my kids, and behaved as a nasty mom since I was dying inside fearing his/our fate.
But at around 11:30PM, he called me to say that he was late to the pooja, thus he left his things at the reception and rushed to the temple without even checking into his room. As usual he left his mobile in the bag, since he won't take them to temple.
I felt too bad, since I can't take another episode as this in the near future.
He will promise never to repeat, but will surely forget to call very soon....

Vent over....

Any suggestion to address this isse
Click to expand...

Not sure what to suggest but just want to say you are not alone in this, my hubby is exactly same.

He doesn't think of letting me know of his whereabouts when he is running late or cant make on time. And doesn't ask me either if same situation happens to me. I used to be the one calling and asking him abt his whereabouts also informing about me.

He doesn't travel far much , so this situation normally happens when he goes for night out,or staying late in office. He says he will come by 12, but wouldn't show up until 2 in morning, so i get worried and call him for which he can blame me for nagging, his phones remains switched off most of his nights out too.

So these days i have stopped worrying abt his whereabouts and don't make any calls to let him abt me either, if he wishes to know abt me, he can always call me.

Sweety82 · Feb 27, 2017

Same here @SGBV .he flies a lot but forgets or I can say he is careless. He will not inform. If his mobile battery turns off, I will be madly checking for him but the response is "switched off". Even though this cannot be tolerated, I believe that he is safe. No solution. What to do? Many incidents happened for me like this. Under this situation no advice. But you believe in god.

guesshoo · Feb 27, 2017

My dad would always call to say he reached work. And we were brought up to ring home once we we going somewhere. In fact when I made local trips abroad, I'd be expected to ring up and inform my folks about when I leave and when I arrive.

My husband is like yours. I've gotten used to it now. Plus I rarely ring up with my agenda either anymore. If he isn't back by the usual time he is to ring me up - otherwise I'd be calling all his friends and trying to reach his boss. He clearly is scared of the fuss I'd create; he makes sure I'm kept informed

Sweety82 · Feb 27, 2017

Reaching boss? Nice idea. @guesshoo

Nonya · Feb 27, 2017

A very high payout term-life-insurance is what the stay-at-home-spouse would need, to remain calm, and be healthy, and live with a husband who does not call/text her. I do not know the going rates in India these days, but many households have them these days. It is especially helpful to keep the mental peace of the girl, when she sends off a husband on a two wheeler into (or through) a metro for the daily hunting-and-gathering expedition.

Call a local insurance agent and ask about "term life insurance". It may be as cheap as a few hundred rupees a month. Cost of a facial. Well worth it.

shri0218 · Feb 27, 2017

Dear,

I completely understand what you must going through. My husband was like this. Many times telling him..didn't help much. I cried shouted and even begged that I panic and the worst thoughts come to my mind. So one time I told him that I would like to explore the place (I was new to the U.S) and I "forgot" to text him. To stop myself to tempting to text him I put the phone on silent and just spent the day outside (a few hours). And u can imagine it drove him crazy ..so when I reached home he yelled at me telling that y didn't I text him blah blah. I was completely apologetic that I forgot to text him and going forward let's make it a point to do it - both of us! IT WORKED

jillcastle · Feb 27, 2017

If your DH is open to using mobile apps like "Find my friends", it may give you some peace of mind.

dsmenon · Feb 27, 2017

Someone a few days ago had mentioned about an app that tracks your spouse? may be you can install that?

blindpup10 · Feb 27, 2017

SGBV- I am sorry you are going through this. My DH doesn't do this, but my father was very similar to your DH. I have seen my mother's plight. My dad wouldn't even tell my mother not to cook, as he has made other plans for dinner. Forget about telling about reaching safely when he was traveling.

Try this--- next time your DH has plans to travel,
*remind him before he leaves to text you, when he is closer to the place of his arrival or respond to your text. This is a non-negotiable thing that he has to do it.
*Make sure you tell him your kids are wanting to know if "dad reached the place"

I think some men like my father, had a preconceived notion of "why should I tell my every min of life" to my wife.
or
"I am out of the home, plans happen, things change-- I am dealing with it. No need to inform every min to my wife."

Hope things change