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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SadMarried, Feb 23, 2017.

  1. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    I think this is good time to find out about all the financial dealing of your In laws and details about what they do with the money your husband sends them.

    Looks like you cannot stop your husband from sending money but
    You can ask your husband that he needs to find out all the details about the debt , what was the need for the debt , from whom is it, is there a bank involved or individual and what sort of guarantees have been provided . Use this opportunity to find out more about how many properties they have on whose name etc .

    If you find that debt is due to real estate dealings , suggest toyour husband to sell what ever is the latest property which was acquired to clear the debt.

    If the debt is with bank for a property try to find out on whose name the property is and what it takes to take over the loan and the property so that you can turn into an EMi.

    If the loan is from individual , your husband need to talk to individual about interest rates and also to let the person know that you guys will not be responsible for any future loans .

    Try to get all the information before you give him your verdict and if indeed if there is a loan and if your FIL does not pay it , it will haunt you guys only , so use this opportunity to set some
    Boundaries in financial dealings of
    Inlaws and also scare your husbands on dangers involved with such huge loans and to highlight why your husband is not consulted before taking such huge loans which ultimately he is expected to clear.

    Also Seperate your future income
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2017
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  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Responding to your dh financial moves each and every time will not give you any peace of mind. Instead the 'intelligent' plans suggested by @SGBV will be a better way to save money for you and kids. I cant suggest on how to make dh understand that he is spending too much on his family. If he is spending and saving enough for your family don't worry too much. If not, you have every reason to raise your concern. Anyway, relax and inquire about the new debt and request him to slow down. But make sure to take care of you and your dd and slowly make your plans work.

    I will share you my experience. We didnt have a joint account for many years into marriage. But when I noticed that I am spending everything and dh keeps on complaining that I am not spending, I got the realization to do it a different way (after lot of heated discussion :(). I also noticed he spend too much on him, friends family etc..without even mentioning it to me while questioning me for simple expenses. So I asked my h to open a common checking, credit card where all common expenses (not individual) are done and contribute 50-50% of monthly expense as both of us were working and earn similar (this change for example if I dont work, he has to contribute and vice versa, or if I earn more I have to contribute more). Each one has the freedom to spend/save money as long as common conditions are met . Also he/I can spend on us or family from our own accounts, not from common account . I dont question if he spend his money on his family if it is reasonable & vice versa). We both maintained our individual checking and saving accounts too, that gave me lot of freedom. Also opened savings account for kids. All the common accounts are visible to both, but not the individual accounts.
    Now I dont worry much as I can see he is contributing and our family needs are met. Due to this new system, I could save money my self, reduced my contribution to common expense, also he realized very well that he need to spend more than me as the common expenses are transparent, also how much money he wasted in the past years!. This helped us to financially disciple and to learn a lot.

    Also I tried to contribute more to retirement plan to reduce monthly salary. As my conditions are met, I dont worry about how much he spend on his family/friends. If he ask me I don't give him from my account as he is supposed to find money for his own expenditure(family/friends) (unless there is any emergency in his family where my help is needed). As he knew it so he don't ask. Once I reach a comfort zone this way, I don't worry about it much and learned to let it go...but it took me some time and effort. I learned also that all those tears/ fights/ silent treatments were a waste of time, energy and effort.

    Please dont consider this as a reason for separation. Pl stop all those tears and act. Most of the people face similar situations in their life. May be you can ask your husband to start a savings account for your new born daughter where both of you have access and both of you can contribute. Think well about all the options others suggested above. Make sure that you have your own savings account and plans. Once you have that financial freedom and money for yourself, you will feel better, I am sure. Congrats on your new baby
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2017
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  3. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    i have very small amount contributed to pension fund, planning to up it when i go back to work from maternity. Hubby has 10% contributed to pension fund, so better than mine.
     
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  4. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    we send money to inlaws for regular expenses and luxury. Buying and Selling and working as property dealer is my fil's kinda hobby, so he might have taken some loans, to make more money out of it. Im not sure if we/hubby will get any of his parents properties in future , even if he will, im not sure if i will b with him forever. Living with him is out of no choice at the moment,as i have small kids. i don't want to invest my savings backhome where i may not claim it if for some reason we will divorce/separate.
     
  5. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    thank you dear, yes i should have done what you suggested from day 1, but that time i didn't have any clue of how he will deal with everything, so i have only joint account with him.
     
  6. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    Start savings for kids future along with your DH, as much you can every year.

    Your DH has a soft corner for spending money in India on behalf of his family and it will come to an end, that is the nature of law; there are 100 other things can go wrong in life; it's only money let it go for your own peace of mind, focus on enjoying your life.

    The positive vibe in marriage is very important, your hidden hatred/anger will affect the relationship with DH. He is your kids father, start treating him with that trust and respect; Slowly your relationship will improve. Key thing is tolerance and acceptance of your loved ones with their flaws. It is very easy to break away but, making it work is tough;

    Think about it, your DH has many roles to play; When he plays the role of the son, especially he blindly believes in his father, it bothers you. In the future, the roles will be reversed, at least if we get 50% of that attention from our kids, we will be the luckiest people.

    my 2cents worth..
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2017
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  7. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    Sending money for regular expenses is ok. But you may have to do something to stop your husband from sending money to your in laws for their luxuries.

    Increase your contributions to savings. Put as much as you can into your savings. Let your husband pay for all the household expenses. You take care of saving for yourself and your children. That way, your husband will have less dispensable cash and he will try to reduce the amount of money he wires to his parents. I have seen a major difference in the spending and saving habits of my husband after I started doing this and convinced my husband to put as much as possible into savings accounts. Also, I showed him how our friends and relatives are managing their finances compared to us. He literally had no savings (literally zero) from before our marriage.

    Also, make sure all the properties that are bought using your money are registered on your name (your, your husbands or your kids).
     
  8. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    thanks for your advice dear.

    i'm planning to open up my own salary account once i start working and manage finance as you suggested. But what worked for you may not work for me as my hubby is of different nature. Like if he has not much savings to send his parents request, he can go ahead take loan and send it off to them, he has done that in past. so really not sure when will he realise.

    Anything that is bought backhome wud be on in-laws name only, not even on hubby's name and MIL has stated she is not going to let us have anything in moment of anger. so im really not sure if they would give us anything. Husband doesn't expect anything from them and feel he is not entitled to parents properties, so i cant let my savings go backhome.
     
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