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Marriage Is Failing...help!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky2cute, Feb 14, 2017.

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Feb 23, 2017 #121

Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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Rihana said: ↑

I want to pretend to have fever and come to your clinic/hospital just to hear this from you. : ) Is like heart-touching dialog from a Mani Ratnam heroine.
Click to expand...

I'd bet some handsome guy might come, pretend to have fever, and get her to find the gumption to get rid of the current leasehold.

Nonya, Feb 23, 2017

Nonya, Feb 23, 2017

#121
Feb 23, 2017 #122

deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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Pinky,
Dear I admire the clarity in your thoughts and how you stood up for your parents when you felt they were being humiliated... There is nothing wrong in what you did..

You know exactly why you married your husband and what are your expectations from him..And from your replies, I think you still love your husband. Communicate, communicate, communicate with him... Ask him if he can tolerate any humiliations to his parents from your parents. Tell him you only did your duty as a daughter..Like a poster said above, dont say too much in love and too much in anger..( golden words). Only say your points.Talk to him daily. If he is worthy of your love and trust, he will understand you!!

Read Laks's reply above..If possible try to have some alone time with your husband. Ask him if he can meet you on weekends or sometime, when you both are free. Give your best to make your bond better. You try from your part, so you dont have to regret later.

Lastly, you are a professionally qualified young and beautiful woman. Dont let anyone to make you feel any less,just bacause your
parents didn't meet your inlaw's demands. Good luck,dear!!!

deepthyanoop, Feb 23, 2017

deepthyanoop, Feb 23, 2017

#122

sindmani, pinky2cute, yellowmango and 1 other person like this.
Feb 23, 2017 #123

shifas Bronze IL'ite

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SGBV said: ↑

@pinky2cute dear

If the world to call me that I am a momma's girl because of what I am doing to my mom's unreasonable demands by spoiling my sanity and that of others, then I am here to justify this with a reason. I understand all the men, who are labeled the same probably have their own valid reasons too. At least, they would expect their better half to understand and adjust with them - just how my own H does it for me.

Each family is unique. So, comparison really won't help here.

Your husband is indebted to his parents, and he may be a very caring, obedient son; thus he feels responsible for their mental and physical health. This is his identity, so he will not change to be a careless son just because they have crossed their boundaries.
This doesn't mean he cares less about you or his marriage.

Fighting, arguing, calling the police or being straight forward may give you some temporary relief. It is like winning a battle. But it doesn't guarantee any victory in the final war - called marriage.
It is rather better to lose this battle to win the war.

A several of my friends, who are financially not independent supported their husbands by standing by them whenever their PILs made unreasonable dowry demands.
Their husbands were kind of very responsible, soft, caring and really affectionate sons. So, despite of knowing their parents' unreasonable behavior, they were unable to stop them fearing their age, health, weak emotions, and insecurity. You know, it is too hard to say a word against parents after marriage. It would be seriously misunderstood.
These husbands were not ready for the heart break.
At the same time, they are very much stressed about loosing the love and newly wedded bliss with their wives due to this.
They could not hurt their old parents, fearing their health and age but at the same time, they could not hurt their wife or their PILs either.
This is when they should work with their wives for a better solution. Many failed using the right communication. Ego often spoils the talks, though they intend for an amicable solution.

Here are some great solutions, some of my friends could achieve. See whether you and your H could do anything of this, so that your marriage will not be affected with this initial drama.

1) These are not dowry demands, but some traditional expectations of gifting.
Your H could buy the gift, and hand them over to you in advance, since he is aware of the request anyway.
You could either exchange the same gift through your parents, or do it yourself before PILs, saying these are your parents' gift for the event.
Your in laws would be happy and satisfied and could proudly announce about these gifts to their relatives/neighbors.
At the same time, you could please your parents by taking their burdens off their shoulders, as well by saying their SNIL is against dowry; thus he won't accept any gift from PILs, but stages this drama to please his orthodox parents for a while. Old parents won't place ego before their SNIL's love and effort to balance.
When all the parties are happy, your marriage will not face any hiccups.
Also, it increases the bond between the spouses.
A shirt or a simple gold ring is not that expensive for an earning man. After all, he is gonna use that gift. But it is certainly very expensive and a burden for a retired old man.
If you are working, you could secretly get these gifts and close the topic then and there.
All you need is some open communication without any ego.

2) Make your H understands your parents financial condition, and suggest some cheap gifts. For ex, your H could say, "uncle I don't use branded shirt or a gold ring.. so don't gift me them, it won't be useful.. instead gift me some normal shirt, and an office bag.. that would be useful'... This way, the request is made by your H, so both his parents and your parents would feel comfortable.

Since you are sure that your H is good at heart, despite of his orthodox, uneducated parents, all you need is to use his good heart to win these battles. Don't lose him by saying he is bad, momma's boy, spineless....
Be his spine and support him, so that he will be your support.
Click to expand...

Hii @SGBV
This post is the best reply or suggesion than anyone can give to the OP. I wish i had someone to tell like this wen i faced the same problem. As you say we win the battle but the end is nowhere. We have to live just like roomates for the sake of our kids. I think there should be a thread just mentioning for newly married girls. Sometimes we dont know what to do. We dont want to see our parents worrying so we endup making the inlaws mouth shut just like OP did.
Now whatever you mentioned here is completely agreeable. But what about when the husband is not even spending money for household expenditure? What if the girl always depends on parents for everything? And still they expect big gifts from the brides parents side? In my case this is what happened and that is why i totally told my parents not to get them any gifts since i always felt like i am not a wife but just a servant who never gets paid.

shifas, Feb 23, 2017

shifas, Feb 23, 2017

#123
Feb 23, 2017 #124

pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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Viswamitra said: ↑

Dear Pinky2cute,

After reading your last response, I am fully convinced that you did everything possible to make your marriage work and if you were my daughter, I would have been very proud of what you did so far.

It is my humble view, once a person marries a woman, he should understand that he had agreed to share everything in life with his better half. There has to be a total transparency between the spouses. You have every right to know the finances of your family whether it is earned only by him or both of you.

It is also my view that two important things need to happen in order to make this marriage work. The love you both have for each other should develop into trust, respect and care for each other and it takes time. In a marriage, both spouses are equal and hence he should provide the same level of attention and courtesy that he would provide to himself. Second, sharing of information happening between the spouses with the parents is very silly. Your husband should handle it like an adult. Your husband should understand the love he has for you should culminate into healthy married life resulting in providing complete support including emotional and psychological.

Your openness in sharing the information about what went wrong in the marriage convinced me that it is your husband who need to change himself in order to become a better husband. It is clear that you are very bold and brave and hence I am sure you will handle it well. But if he reaches out to you, listen to his viewpoints including what you said earlier in a heated exchange. So far you are doing great. As the final conclusion, let me share something important. 1) Have full confidence that your husband would lead a perfect life with you over a period of time and as JAG mentioned that would be reassuring to yourself to work on it with confidence. Please don't let your mind to write your future by thinking negatively 2) Take the first step of getting together unconditionally and seek support from him in small doses. In other words, don't seek solution for all of the problems in one discussion that too before getting together and do it in stages. 3) Assure your husband that your intention is not to strain his relationship with his parents and you fully support him helping them financially with your knowledge. 4) Many will advice starting the family will help resolve issues but please understand the child should have an environment that is very conducive for the child to grow in love. Hence you both need to be perfectly in sync before starting a family.

Your last communication gave me a good feeling about your great level of understanding of life. I wish you very best of luck in life.

Viswa
Click to expand...

Dear sir, out of all the 100+ posts on my this thread, I really am thankful to you because I felt like I was talking to my father indeed while in reality I can't so openly tell these marital issues to my father even though he has got to know that we bothare having some problems.

I'm like an elder son to my parents and I'm their strength. Hence I have never broke down infront of them because I know once they see tears in my eyes, they will weaken which i don't want to see. They are 60+ and too old to bear the pain which their daughter is going through.

Coming to my husband, as I mentioned, his immaturity to deal with marriage coupled with no efforts from his side to stand up for his wife when he knew what his parents are doing is wrong has escalated the anger in me which resulted in me directly threatening my fil with court case and all.
I was even ready for separation and even now I have given an ultimatum for my husband...that till he changed and becomes my husband, I will not forgive him.

Problem is he knows he is wrong. He knows his parents are wrong.... but his parents have not brought him up well. They control his life right from when he gets up to when he sleeps. If they say the world is square, he will believe it blindly even though he is educated and knows it is not true.

His parents controlled his spending money on me during initial days n even now they know every single detail of what I buy or what he gets for me.... (even if its just 30rs bangles or 10rs chocolate!)

If I ask him about sharing his finances, he many times labelled me as money minded and asked me why am I so much into his finances! :/

Sometimes i really get angry and blame my fate and God for my troubles. These days many girls including my friends and colleagues get married to guys who are good looking and have settled in their lives with atleast own house and a car and some bank balance .... and here I am who chose to ignore materialistic things and just married the guy for his character hoping he would love me unconditionally and share his life with me...
All i get in return is pain, broken heart and unconditional tears!

He needs to grow to deserve me as his wife. Else I will break this marriage with a heavy heart because I love him and I know he loves me, but love without trust, honesty, respect cannot survive a healthy marriage.

pinky2cute, Feb 23, 2017

pinky2cute, Feb 23, 2017

#124

NeetaR, SGBV, madras2018 and 1 other person like this.
Feb 23, 2017 #125

pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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deepthyanoop said: ↑

Pinky,
Dear I admire the clarity in your thoughts and how you stood up for your parents when you felt they were being humiliated... There is nothing wrong in what you did..

You know exactly why you married your husband and what are your expectations from him..And from your replies, I think you still love your husband. Communicate, communicate, communicate with him... Ask him if he can tolerate any humiliations to his parents from your parents. Tell him you only did your duty as a daughter..Like a poster said above, dont say too much in love and too much in anger..( golden words). Only say your points.Talk to him daily. If he is worthy of your love and trust, he will understand you!!

Read Laks's reply above..If possible try to have some alone time with your husband. Ask him if he can meet you on weekends or sometime, when you both are free. Give your best to make your bond better. You try from your part, so you dont have to regret later.

Lastly, you are a professionally qualified young and beautiful woman. Dont let anyone to make you feel any less,just bacause your
parents didn't meet your inlaw's demands. Good luck,dear!!!
Click to expand...

Thanks a lot. I hope to meet him next week and firmly but calmly I will tell him what he needs to do for our marriage to survive...am planning to write my expectations from him as my husband and will hand it out to him.

Let's see how it goes.

pinky2cute, Feb 23, 2017

pinky2cute, Feb 23, 2017

#125

shifas likes this.
Feb 23, 2017 #126

pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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Till now I was scared that I probably broke my marriage..... but after posting here and venting out and getting some really good advices....I calmed a lot.

I thought about my marriage and all the issues and now I feel I have given my 100% to make it work and I will still give my 200% and see ....if he puts efforts then we may end up as inseparable husband and wife...
Else I'm prepared for the worst too.... to break free from an immature husband and greedy inlaws.

But one thing I know is that he is the only man in my life and even after separation, I will live alone and adopt a kid but never marry someone else.
I love my husband. Marriage is just a legal paper but love is in the heart. It can't be erased.

pinky2cute, Feb 23, 2017

pinky2cute, Feb 23, 2017

#126

sindmani, SGBV, Mistt and 1 other person like this.
Feb 23, 2017 #127

penpaal Gold IL'ite

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@pinky2cute when I read your post felt like my initial days of marriage.. difference is he used to bring me 5rs chocolate and later tell me can you transfer me some money !! When I look back I wonder how I survived ..

All you mentioned is typical scenario of a marriage life. Very rare people are blessed with true love,husband ,family etc. Kudos to you for standing up for your parents.Be independent,get a good job and get financially secured & mentally strong . All the best

penpaal, Feb 23, 2017

penpaal, Feb 23, 2017

#127

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Feb 23, 2017 #128

penpaal Gold IL'ite

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pinky2cute said: ↑

Thanks a lot. I hope to meet him next week and firmly but calmly I will tell him what he needs to do for our marriage to survive...am planning to write my expectations from him as my husband and will hand it out to him.

Let's see how it goes.
Click to expand...

I don't know but " writing on paper" !! It may turn out to be another joke for in laws.. trust me verbal is the best when you know you can't trust a person !!

penpaal, Feb 23, 2017

penpaal, Feb 23, 2017

#128

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Feb 23, 2017 #129

pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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Thanks @penpaal
He is probably not understanding that I'm a doctor and I have earned well before and even now after my post grad, I will earn probably more than him.
But if ever we attain stability in marriage, its obvious I want to have a baby (dh wants baby now bt agreed to wait on my insistance owing to my studies and also our turbulence in married life).
At that time he will be earning and he has to provide for me and baby.... hence I'm gonna make it clear to him when I meet him all these things.

I will talk to him normally but I will tell him he has to earn me now because he has broken me

pinky2cute, Feb 23, 2017

pinky2cute, Feb 23, 2017

#129

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Feb 23, 2017 #130

pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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penpaal said: ↑

I don't know but " writing on paper" !! It may turn out to be another joke for in laws.. trust me verbal is the best when you know you can't trust a person !!
Click to expand...

I agree. Thanks. I will jus talk.

pinky2cute, Feb 23, 2017

pinky2cute, Feb 23, 2017

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