Marriage Is Failing...help!!!

pinky2cute · Feb 14, 2017

As most know here, I'm just married a lil over an year(arranged )
Lot of ups and downs I have faced in this one year more because of me staying in different city due to studies and inlaws manipulating DH.

Both PILs are not educated and are highly orthodox type but still I had told clearly before marriage that I'm not totally traditional and yet I value traditions just I don't follow blindly or believe in superstitions.
My DH was okay and promised that i can be myself after marriage too.
My FIL n MIL had demanded lot of things after marriage and I stepped my foot down and told them no more demands will be fulfilled by my parents.
This caused lot of huge dramas and abuses from FIL to my father n all. My DH was silent and even if he tried to support me, his father would shut him up and say to stay away from "elderly people discussions about marriage customs".

Fast forward to one year, with DH being puppet in his parents hands and their continuous harassing my father that we didn't follow traditions and how we insulted them by not giving gifts on festivals and all...I couldn't take it anymore and talked with my husband clearly to stop his father but my husband told me not to involve him or talk about these to him as it's between both sets of parents.

I was shattered that my DH would not even stand by my side. But I decided to fight alone so I have talked directly to FIL to stop harassing my father. Soon things heated up between us and we had huge arguments. As a final decision, I told him that I will file dowry harassment case on them and put them behind bars for causing mental torture to me and my parents.

Now pils stopped asking/ demanding things and stopped totally talking to me or my parents. Even DH stopped talking to me and my family.

I stay in PG accomodation in different city and only way of contact is via phone calls/social media.

How do I save marriage from failing? Have I destroyed my marriage by my own hands?
How do I explain to my husband that demanding things from girls parents in the name of tradition is not right?
I still love him because he is not a bad guy. He is just too much influenced by his parents.

Rihana · Feb 14, 2017

pinky2cute said: ↑

..I couldn't take it anymore and talked with my husband clearly to stop his father but my husband told me not to involve him or talk about these to him as it's between both sets of parents.

I was shattered that my DH would not even stand by my side. But I decided to fight alone so I have talked directly to FIL to stop harassing my father. Soon things heated up between us and we had huge arguments. As a final decision, I told him that I will file dowry harassment case on them and put them behind bars for causing mental torture to me and my parents.

Now pils stopped asking/ demanding things and stopped totally talking to me or my parents. Even DH stopped talking to me and my family.

I stay in PG accomodation in different city and only way of contact is via phone calls/social media.

How do I save marriage from failing? Have I destroyed my marriage by my own hands?
How do I explain to my husband that demanding things from girls parents in the name of tradition is not right?
I still love him because he is not a bad guy. He is just too much influenced by his parents.
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Your husband was right. Those matters are between both sets of parents, in your case.

Have you destroyed your marriage? No. This is a small to medium bump, with careful handling you both will get over this.

"How do you explain to husband that demanding things from girls' parents is not right?" You don't explain this to him. You don't have the bond that forms in the first year of marriage if living together. You leave the gifts issues to the parents to sort out.

"I still love him because he is not a bad guy. He is just too much influenced by his parents." - He also perhaps still loves you but you are fighting too much for your parents. In your situation of living apart, your first focus should be your own marriage. Any problems that come up, you should turn them around so it is a problem you both face together without finger-pointing and "your parents did this/that..." accusations.

"How do I save marriage from failing? " - Leave phones and social media ways of contacting him. Take a bus, train or plane and go see him. Tell him he was right, and the gifts/demands issues should be left to both sets of parents.

The ideal scenario is husband speak up strongly and tells his parents that it is wrong to demand gifts. Life rarely follows the ideal scenario pattern. He seems to know the reality of his parents' nature. And has taken the most feasible way out. He has not joined his parents in asking for gifts. Be smart. Turn this into a problem you both face together. Do it without putting down his parents too much, or blaming him for their acts. They are his parents. Give him some room to support you without having to go against his parents.

Your aim is not to make your in-laws aware of what is right and what is wrong. Your aim is to keep your marriage peaceful while you complete your studies, and to maintain some distance and a basic polite relationship with your in-laws. There are many ways your parents can deal with this demands and abuse. You interfering will only make matters worse. Just like you are protective of your parents, he is protective of his. He took the smart way out, while you went in fighting on all cylinders.

yellowmango · Feb 14, 2017

How do good guys support this harassment in the name of 'respecting elders'.
Shameless beggars.....masquerading as elders.

How long back was this fight?
Have you tried talking to your good man after that?
Talk to him and tell him you said that out of frustration because you got tired of seeing your parents harassed. Tell him you wish he had spoken up a bit so that you would not have to open your mouth.Tell him you are committed to the marriage with him and want to see him soon.Try to meet up and make up.

Tell your parents to stop taking calls from the greedy elders.

Rihana · Feb 14, 2017

yellowmango said: ↑

How do good guys support this harassment in the name of 'respecting elders'.
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He tried but was told to shut up and stay away from 'elderly people discussions about marriage customs'. The elders themselves offered the young ones a way out, if the young ones are smart enough to see it. The young ones can support each other and their parents quietly without going and fighting with others for them.

Such problems should be expected and handled tactfully in cases where "Both PILs are not educated and are highly orthodox type". Not taking calls is one step. It is fine if there is no contact between both sets of parents. Over 2-3 years things cool down and arrival of a grandchild can also help. As will not living with the in-laws unless unavoidable due to their old age or health reasons.

DDream · Feb 14, 2017

OP, Just relax, wait and see. Give time to everyone. I don't support dowry in any forms.
If they are demanding more than your parents agreed to, I cannot say that what your you did is wrong. I feel it is ok. If they are asking about the things your parents agreed to give and didn't , it is better not to interfere.

It is very difficult for ILs to digest any such action from a DIL. So just relax give some time to you and everyone and try to meet your dh and talk to him. Just behave to others as if nothing happened. I think this time will pass. If you think you did the right thing, dont worry about it too much... Everything will be OK. Sometimes (if they cross the limit and abuse) it is better to show others where the 'lekshman rekha' is. But I have to admit that your dh will be affected more than you think. He is has to support his parents and you. Anyway talk to him and give some explanation. Please maintain silence and dont talk about it again with ILS, even if they try to.

I know a friend who faced similar situation, she said the same thing you told. Her dh was not at all supportive. She told them if they utter a word dowry, she will call police. There was some turbulence in their home for some time, but she maintained a dignified silence. She tried to behave normally as much as she can, and treated ILS and dh with love & respect as earlier. She informed her parents and they didnt interfere . Finally ILS stopped talking about it again and they all are in good terms. She is smart, she slowly moved to another house with her dh and now everyone is happy.

yellowmango · Feb 14, 2017

pinky2cute said: ↑

How do I explain to my husband that demanding things from girls parents in the name of tradition is not right?
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If he still needs an explanation that demanding dowry is wrong .....then there is not much you can do. He is probably not so against the tradition.If he was...he would have explained to his parents.

yellowmango · Feb 14, 2017

..................

Rihana · Feb 14, 2017

yellowmango said: ↑

That is just escapism.If a son can't deal with his parents,he should not expect his wife's parents who are in any case in a tight situation to deal with them.
If he is okay with her parents being harassed then he should also be man enough to except it when his parents are in the line of fire. It is fine if it is her parents but not if it is his parents.

That speaks a lot about a person's character.
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You are talking about what is right and what is wrong, and about character etc. I am talking about salvaging the matter and the marriage without permanent damage to the young couple's relationship.

A young DIL speaking like that to FIL is not right, and does not help. I gathered that OP's DH told her to stay out of the matter and not involve him. I didn't read that he objected to his parents receiving tough treatment from her parents. He stopped talking after she took up the matter with FIL.

OP, I like to read your posts and signature, so this back and forth with ym, in case it helps. Intent is not to make a debate out of your problem.

rajatsingh · Feb 14, 2017

pinky2cute said: ↑

He is just too much influenced by his parents.
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That is the way every man will be in the first few years of the married life.... expecting him to rebuke and scold his own parents in front of everybody , even when they are blatantly wrong, is not going to happen.... I repeat, it's just not going to happen

the same events which you have described above have ditto happened in my own life also ..my mother put so much of dowry conditions for the marriage to take place and at the last neck of the hour, she demanded few more sovereigns of gold from my father in law.

My mother's behavior was disgusting to me. . But I couldn't do any thing . I privately admitted to my wife by phone that my mother is wrong. I requested my wife not to escalate the fight. My wife patiently co-operated with me. Though, my in-laws politely declined my mother's whopping dowry demands, they along with my wife kept silent, when my mother abused them.

I also could not reprimand my mother openly in front of others. My wife once requested me to scold her in front of others, because the outrageous behavior of my mom was always in front of others. .... but it just couldn't happen.... it just couldn't happen and will not happen with many men

Had my wife threatened me with dowry harassment case definitely my marriage would have failed. Instead, she chose to be silent. At least my wife did not escalate the fight.

My wife and her parents touched my heart by accepting my request, not to escalate the fight. Gradually, I lost all my good will on my mother. My wife's parents became my best friends in the next few years.

I personally believe that you yourself have destroyed your marriage (sorry to be blunt).... little patience and understanding with your man and avoiding such direct threats will help you.

I know, I will not get any likes for this post.

But, wanted you to know the issue from a husbands' view point.

thank you