How To Save My Mother And Make Her Happy

If you really love your mother , then do something instead of wishing for miracles.

Can you move nearby your parents and keep an eye so that your mother has some support . Does your husband know the situation of your mother and family and will he support you if you want to help them, if not will you risk your marital life to help your mother.

You need to have courage to take care of your mother else nothing will work

 

@Meet9,
i think each of us is influenced to some extent by our personal circumstances when we give suggestions /advise for issues raised here. In this particular instance I am clearly influenced by my circumstances. I have an 85 yr old mother who requires constant care. Both my brothers are not in a position to keep her with them as one is not married and irresponsible to the extent that he is being cared for the other brother, and this brother too is a widower nearing 60 yrs now. Though i can very well have her with me, my mother feels it absolutely impossible to stay beyond 2 to 3 days at my place. That is because like in OPs case here my father when he was alive had never allowed me to bring her over for stay etc except for any major functions requiring a one day visit or so. She also is traditional to the exent that she will not sit down in front of her SIL even today. Watching her extreme discomfort we jointly decided it is best she is shifted to an old age home where she has a personal assistant and she is cared for very well. My brother who stays locally, visits her twice a week or so and gets her whatever she requires and myself bring her over around once in two months for short stay of 2 to 3 days. I would just like to highlight here that each ones circumstance is different and we can only give suggestions which we feel would work for her. Naturally i have her best interests at heart when i give my suggestions.

 

Ideally yes, op's father needs to be dealt with a firm hand and op needs to assert her rights to look after mother . But from her messages I think we can clearly see that this looks very unlikely . Ops mother seems to be suffering Stockholm syndrome , so many years of abuse very likely has weakened her very much. Op herself doesn't seem to be in a great situation and even if she insists and gets her mother home , they will face hostility from her in laws and husband . Sometimes in a battle you should know when to fight and when to retreat . I am sure ops father will get back his karma someday , for now it's better for ops mother to escape from him first.

 

In your case, old age is good option but clearly in OP's case, its not....so I was wondering why is that even given as an option here..in either case, the reasons for not taking steps are "what will society say?"... if OP mom chooses to live in old age home people will say "oh she is staying in old age even after having a husband"..if she files complaint people will say "oh look at her, she at this age is complaining against her old husband"....best permanent solution is mend OP's father..in harsh ways or by scaring them into police complaint....OP should be encouraged to take some steps in that direction..

 

your mother will not agree because she can't dare and always fears what will happen? that is the reason she never stopped your dad also from his abuse. she can't make decisions for herself whatever you offer, as she is physically weak because of age, no money independence. and fearing type person.

so you have to covinvince her that for 2 days we go there to spiritual ashram etc to get introduced to other life styles. then after an year or 2 years doing like that she may like something.

 

You are an affectionate daughter and a just person. This is why you perceive when something is wrong and another person suffers due to unjust treatment.
No one can live another's life no matter how close.
Counseling by experts may gelp but the counsellor choice must fit tge personality of your parents. Its actually your dad who needs counseling.
There are Social organizations that will intervene and if their guidance works, that's good, if not it will prigress to tge courts.

Abuse and the tolerance of it is an age old malady in humanity.
However, it doesn't mean it needs to continue. He may have a mental disease.
Your letter does not tell how old you are, if you have a job etc., only that you are now married. You will need to be courageous if you want to truly help her and first get yourself a good job with your husband's consent. Then you can extricate her from her home with the help of authorities and have a stay order and get your dad the needed health treatment like counseling, medication etc., (if needed with the help of law). If yours is also not such a good marriage, this may be difficult to achieve but still not impossible.

First, you have to be in a position of strength yourself (well supported and with adequate financial means) to help another. Otherwise, you can only pray.

Personally, I will not allow anyone toabuse me, mentally or physically.
Good Luck.
Keep us posted.