I Went Through And I Am Going Through Hell With Mil Fil--please Help!!!

OP,
I dont have any advice for you. But you remind me of my aunt, who is bold and straightforward and upfront like you. She never understood the (bad)politics of in-laws. Its been 20 yrs and still she is the same. She doesnt gel well with in-laws. But you know what, everyone in my family behaves carefully with her, plan an event so that it is convenient to her and that she comes, etc. My uncle suffered initially, but he and everyone got used to her and just go with the flow. I was surprised when my mom used her as a reference and told me to be bold like her at one of my weak times.

 

And OP, a guy( many guys) would behave exactly like you and call for panchayats,etc to point out wife and her parents. In a way, I feel happy at the way you are standing up for yourself and exposing all the injustice and mean-ness of in-laws.

 

OP ...do you want to stay in this marriage if things don't change much?
Does your husband want to stay in this marriage...because if he is always trying to escape ,no matter what the reason,then it is a losing battle.

If the answer to any one is 'no'......then get a plan B ready .You are too young to give up on life. You don't have a kid yet to tie you up.

Work on getting better at job.
Work on putting yourself first.Your parents opinion matters,but it should not be a deciding factor. As long as you can manage on your own and do not burden them,don't base your decision on their opinion.

Talk to your husband .
Ask him to go for marriage counseling with you.Ask him to get help for his depression.
Then give your marriage a time frame to work on.
Ask him to help you become financially independent if he wants out of this marriage.

Do sit with him and let him know that his options are not too bright after divorce.With interfering in laws and a dependent brother(they can't always hide the fact ),his next wife is also going to face the same problems.

Who knows ......may be he will try to work things out.
Or if he wants to separate,he will see this as a amicable way to find your own paths without bad blood.

 

I really don't understand why husbands force the wife to talk to in laws when they don't get along.That is the fastest way to spoil relations.
If husbands stop this forced interaction,it is very likely that over time relations become more mellow resulting in normalization .

As long as they are interacting with their parents,they and the parents should be fine .

 

This fight over not being close is creating more distance. If the intention is to have close relationships with each other, it is counter productive to coerce someone into calling.

"Better be close or else...."

 

and if it's the other way round, the husband talking regularly to the wife's parents, again it's a sin. The wife should neither expect nor request and it's a perfectly fine behaviour from the husband if he doesn't utter even a hello once in a while to the wife's parents. Wonder who created these systems. Purely chauvinistic.

 

Hi OP

Few things you have to accept in your marriage

1) Your in-laws might be always feeling that they are suffering (due to their other son) and so your dh has to always listen to them. I feel bad for your dh as they might constantly be saying to him "look how much we r suffering and to top it up your wife is not good to us" (even u r good to them) this won't change.

2)Your dh's depression could be because of them (imagine someone going on and on about their problems)

3)Your dh might not support you as he has been blackmailed by his parents for too long (form of abuse)

4)You are responsible for their unhappiness (they will always blame u)

In order to survive this marriage you have to be very strong. Try talking to them only when your husband is around if possible so they can't lie. No matter what you do they will create problems. I would say stop pleasing them if your dh says you didn't call them or whatever say let's talk to them now and do it together. I don't know if this is possible for you.
I believe self respect is above everything. You have your job pls build your life. Do you have friends? If you have common friends try going out with them. Sometimes being busy is a way out.

 

Exactly!! Those are the sad double standards. All hell breaks loose when wife doesnt talk to in-laws and its totally ok for husband to not talk to in-laws ever.