Huge Fight With Dh...things Are Not Going Well

You are giving too much importance to people and their not so worthy talks. If you don't value your self none will value you. If you are working or you are SAHM ppl will always find a way to mock you . When someone disrespect you call them out on the behaviour. Either walk away from them or tell them what do they mean by what they just said? Question them and let them know that you aren't going to take their nonsensical loose talks. Also You have got a good guy as husband there.

 

Hi Anika,

Pardon me for the long post! But first lemme tell you that you are not alone. This was exactly my life a year back. I have been on both sides of the spectrum..I was working back in India and then was a homemaker in the initial years. I had a great job/set of friends back there. Mine is a love marriage so I kind of knew what I was getting into but even then reality is much harsher. All my life I have been looked as an somewat inferior because I have an arts background n my my husband has a professional degree. I was always asked even by relatives that I "managed to land " upon such a guy.it hurt but I ignored because I was earning and didn't give it much thought.

But after coming to the US it was a big shock..I live in a non desi area literally..I don't even know who my neighbor is ..all Americans ..though I tried talking initially I gave up. So the only set of "friends" I had were my husbands colleagues ..who when we met up always spoke about work stuff and totally ignored me. It was tough...really tough. I had people comment that how easy my life had become when I could sit at home watch tv n "enjoy". Including me relatives spoke that how I spent my
Free time..needless to my relationship with husband deteriorated. Though I knew it was not his fault..and I was too proud to tell my friends about what I was going through..i used to snap at the slightest thing. I gave up everything..just like u described ..house..fitness..

Then after a few years I managed to get a job after Soo much struggle ..and the same ppl passed comments like " oh good, you have something to pass your time". As if my job was just to pass time n nothing else.
My parents came ..they saw me cooking in the night ..doing laundry only once a week ..and then there was a pooja in my relatives house and I couldn't go..I had just joined..they were upset that I couldn't take leave ..passing comments like family is more important and shouldn't run after money!!!! I have had people make comments that don't I have kids because I don't want to quit my job and a big lecture related to that. Now I'm being blamed for having a job n "neglecting" my family!

And it is stressful..managing a house..so you managing a house with kids is no easy joke..give yourself some credit

This is what I realized..as long you know who you are ..and you husband loves respects you that's all that matters. People are gonna hurt pass comments at anything you do. So as I said you aren't alone ..you are blessed with a wonderful family and end of the day that's the only thing that counts

I hope you got that bag! Good luck

 

I don't want to sound preachy, but seriously, you need to get a grip over your life....and do this for yourself. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent, I once read and it holds true. I have neighbours who are complete organised homemakers and so well aware about matters and interesting conversationalists. Career has got nothing to do with it. Basically you got to evolve and upgrade your skills with changing times. I never knew how to use computers until few years ago. And I happened to buy a fancy smartphone. A PYT looked at me sniggering what was I going to do with it other than play candy crush when I was still struggling with computers. And that was it...I set down to work on it and struggled till I was savvy, and now I work on my freelance stuff right from my phone leave alone computers. You see, you got to beat them at their game. Self esteem is the key here. There is no substitute for hard work. So chin up and take them on.

 

How is it going Annika?

 

do you and DH think that working is for financial reasons only? No right? we work to have a sense of individuality, mental sanity (some people like me who are educated and were earlier working go almost insane sitting at home), and to have a satisfaction that we have achieved something in life. So please talk it out with your DH that you want to work, not just for money..but of course, you need to decide if thats the path where you will be most happy....

household work if you are in India its easy maids can do it. your kid I think when he is around 3 can start going to pre-school and you can work things around there..

I want to rejoin work but am unable to due to family reasons, I am pregnant and toddler is still just 2.5 yrs old....I am not getting time to even study for training/certifications, DH is struggling with his job...I am also losing my sanity sometimes, with all the housework, dishes cooking etc (I am in US so no maids), plus toddler not yet potty trained, plus i have some muscle tenson tear in hands..

 

im in the same situation - loving and supporting husband, messy house, toddler(have a grade schooler too), wanting to have a career, except - people around me are very appreciative of what i do everyday.. i dont do anything more than you do.. probably less.. but i choose to be with positive people . Sure i have encountered people who tried to make me feel less.. when I observed them a little more, everytime it turned out that they are very insecure and jealous( Why? everyone is not blessed with a life like u and me..issues in marriage, compromises in life, lack of love from parents, childhood problems which wont show outside.. they are working is the only thing they can count on) Somepeople deal with their issues in this way.. and infact in an attempt of trying to tell themselves that they are better, they make others feel low and thats an achievement.. thats a mind trick.. Please let them deal with their issues.. Avoid negative people. If you dont have anyone else, its ok.. You yourself is a very good friend of you..Once you are secure with yourself, you will carry yourself with a lot of esteem, then people can see that you dont take ****(sorry).. Then they follow suit by respecting you..
No one else is better than you.. Just talk to yourself and decide what you want.. I do self talk everyday - if there is something to figureout( i lock myself in a room and talk to myself with a pen and paper).. No im not crazy )

And yeah, about messy house, with a toddler, you can only try - dont lose your sanity.. Make sure it is not dirty(food residues, diapers, banana peels, spoiled milk in cups, etc), mess(toys, clothes, blankets, papers,everywhere) is okay.. Let me tell u when my daughter, now 9 yr old, started school, the house became clean all of a sudden, then i kind of missed all that cute mess ) and now its back lol.. and will be gone.. this phase wont come back..

Working out helps with moods better than a clean house..So if you dont have time do both, then quick visit to gym and only do the basic cleanup..

You can decide whether you want to work.. Im not the right one to suggest, as I myself am trying to figure that out..Once my little one starts school, I will decide what I want to do..

I hope it helps dear...

 

@anika987 , when majority of a group are doing something and you are in a minority who is not doing that , it always causes an insecurity . This applies to marriage , motherhood , career , everything . In my age group , most people have children, and even though I know deep within that this is not my path , I still sometimes feel unsettled . When you do something or don't do something which most other people are doing , it's normal to feel left out. But see what makes you different is what makes you unique . Next time you are in a group where people start talking about jobs , take a keen interest or pretend to take. Keen interest in what they are discussing . Then when you get a chance bring up some topic related to some hobby you are pursuing etc... in this day and age , career is a rat race, stress filled , there are very few who can actually enjoy it fully. You have a lot of your life ahead and you will get a chance to pursue your career when the time comes.just chill and take steps to get there