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Things With Husband Getting Aweful

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Jan 18, 2017.

  1. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    This is not simply a money problem. Do not treat it like one. Any man who can father a child but feels no responsibility to be a father to them is a 'deadbeat dad'. Your husband is willing to spend ~ $1600 for iPhones for his parents, either out of a sense of duty or obligation or gratitude or affection, but he cannot muster the same loyalty toward his own children? There's something missing here. This is really a problem of commitment to the marriage - you need to take it seriously and approach it as such. It will not cure itself.
    You might consider couples counseling. Your husband is acting like an irresponsible nitwit. He needs to understand what his obligation to wife and children are what marriage and family mean. A counselor is not a magician who will tell you amazing stuff you have never thought of - but he/she can certainly function as a trained, neutral third party who can mediate a thoughtful discussion about these matters. She can help you avoid all the shouting, temper-tantrums, walk-outs, sarcasm and so many other unproductive ways of dealing with difficult conversations. Six years into a marriage you cannot hope to solve this problem by yourself. You need help.

    Take this issue of paying off his credit-card debt. If you do it, then he will pester you for more money without changing his spendthrift habits. That has already happened. Why repeat the same thing and hope for a different result? If you refuse flat out, then it becomes a contest - 'you won't pay my debt? OK, I won't buy diapers'. Obviously 'your' baby was delivered by Stork Mail - he had nothing to do with it. You cannot win this battle.

    Next time this topic comes up, you might try saying - "Sure, we can discuss it. Let's come up with a comprehensive financial plan for the family. We need to try and do what is right for OUR children and plan for their future" and so on depending on your situation. Not a straight yes, not a definitive no. If you have access to a financial planner (some companies provide access to one) or if you can hire one to review your finances and come up with a plan, do so. The exercise will do you some good. Long term financial planning in the United States is no joke.

    Do not take verbal promises seriously. See that money is automatically committed to retirement funds, investments and the like. In many mid-western towns, $40K is enough as a down-payment for a house. In California you might need three or four times that for a down-payment. Either way, squandering that much money is irresponsible. Also, note that depending on where you live, you may bear partial legal liability for his debts. So don't be too casual about it and hope that it will sort itself out.

    This is not good. Kids know something is wrong even if they cannot quite see what. For them, you are the only responsible adult. So act like one until your husband learns to man up. You need to take decisive measures before a crisis pops up to make life even more difficult.
     
    Laks09, Rowith, guesshoo and 5 others like this.
  2. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    "3) If you have any saving don't tell him about it. Dont use it to pay off his dept. His dept is his responsibility. Save the money in case you need for some emergency"

    How can I keep savings which he does not know about. Everything shows up in tax returns forms
     
  3. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    "As he cannot switch roles with you of taking care of house and kids, its his duty to bring in money."

    He says he will stay home and I should work. Should I agree to that ? He does cook well. Or is it just a wrong proposal since he will watch movies all day instead of watching the kids ?
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    "How can I keep savings which he does not know about. Everything shows up in tax returns forms"
    OP, You should have a separate checking /saving account that no one can see online only you. The shared checking saving or credit account will be seen by both parties. You can request bank. They will do whatever way you like.

    What I understood is that you are not working. Then how you get a W2. It will show the current years income, not what is in your bank account. Bank release a tax return only for interest (few dollars!!). It wont provide any info on what is in your savings account.

    If your husband ask what is in your account you dont need to tell him instead ask him what is in his account his payments expense etc.. unless he dont show it you are not going to tell him what you have ..be firm. if you chose to mention... mention a lower number

    Frankly, I like a very transparent relationship between dh and dw. But if nothing works after so much effort we need to take care of ourselves. So pl take my suggestions in that way. There may be some reason why he behaves this way. If you can find the reason and solve it.

    "He says he will stay home and I should work. Should I agree to that ? He does cook well. Or is it just a wrong proposal since he will watch movies all day instead of watching the kids ?"

    Only you can access what he can manage. Why should he sit in home after spending so much on his studies. You can tell him you can think about it only after he pays off his debt by himself. He can still help you with cooking even when he is working. I honestly dont like men to sit in home.. Idle mind is a devil's workshop. He should be a responsible husband and father. What understood from your message is that he is not now...then how can you expect him to do all these. So dont fall into his trap again. But I know there are families and husband manage the way you mentioned.
     
    Itshightime likes this.
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Get a job asap and Run an Run !!. Do not ever look back but run. Your husband wants to have the cake and eat it too. Make tons of loans and have you pay it. Keep his money tight without spending on basic necessities. Be a good son with sending expensive gifts.

    Do you have any savings of your own.You don't need to disclose every account you have to hubby. Even if checking, have a paperless communication mode. It will be work.No wonder your husband is robbing you blind. Open an account in your name only and opt for email communication. Have a secret email for this. Access using that. Your hubby wont know.

    Are you on H1 or H4.
     
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  6. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    It is a general observation.. Indian men cannot take care of children as we do. There are exceptions though. By cooking meals, he will be looking just after his needs. Men are usually not worried about kids nutrition or their eating patterns. Kids waste the food alot. We have to keep experimenting different kinds of food according to their taste and health requirements. Men don't have that kind of patience. They play with children only when the children are in good mood. Men cannot handle crying babies. Your little one needs you.

    But if you just say to him that he will not be able to manage, his ego will be hurt again and he will over-react. Ask him to manage the house and kids just for two days during weekend. Meanwhile, in those two days you can catch up with your friends and relax. I am sure he will hand over the kids to you as soon as you step inside the house.

    Let him manage house and kids for 2 days as a trial. If he could manage, all well and good... Think about you starting to work since u manage money better than him. But it is required that you (the wiser among you two) be there for kids. If he cannot change his spendthrift ways, you ultimately have to take over the control. After all, in the end, kids would matter more than money..

    In the meanwhile, please do not loosen your pockets to pay his debt. He is an adult. A husband and a father. You need to be stern about family discipline. Set rules for both of you. You are partners in marriage. He has to listen to you. But if he is being adamant, think about staying away from him. Not a noble advise but we have stop thinking with heart sometimes.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2017
  7. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    Please suggest some good banks which would let me save some money secretly..

    I am a US citizen
     
  8. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Bank of america is good, lots of branches and ATM s for convenience
     
  9. deepideepi

    deepideepi Silver IL'ite

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    You are living like a single mother. He is so mean. He doesn't even have a self respect. Don't pay his debt. Keep ur money for u n ur daughter.
     
  10. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Use capitalone 360.Its an online savings account.Trannsfer some of your existing bank account savings to this account.You can get a debit card if your request for one.
     

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